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Do we like the new look?

Jan. 20th, 2011 | 08:59 pm
location: Wishing I was in Mission Bay...
mood: optimistic optimistic
music: Razor Blade Kisses, Nubbin, The Offspring

Just screwing around with some of the options, and I have to say, although I would personally prefer more purple, this cute kitty thing is pretty nice, so I may keep it for a while :P I was kind of bored with the old background, so I'm just messing with things.

Sooo...what to talk about...? Mega catch up time perhaps?

So many things have happened since the last entry, some good, some not-so-good. Christmas itself was lovely, as was the Advent build up. I personally think I was rather generous :3 at least to my family hehe. It was a nice relaxing Christmas, although a bit weird as Zak had to come join us later on. I've been constantly rearing Tamagotchi superstars since I got a Tamagotchi from Beaky (THANKOOO <3), and been obsessed with a steamy supernatural series of books, the Merry Gentry series. I'm now getting around to buying Harry's presents as I'll be going to see him in March. Now that we're on the other side of Christmas it does feel much much closer.

New Years was frankly awful, though not down to anyone's fault. I just happened to have a rotten terrible, double ear infection, and I didn't get any affective pain killers until New Year's Day, so much crying and not sleeping for me ; _ ; I also went slightly deaf at one point, as both ears blocked, which made watching TV impossible, so I almost finished reading all the books I recieved as Christmas presents.

The New Year hasn't been super great so far, but I'm holding out for February 3rd- Chinese New Year. It'll be year of the Rabbit, and we know what that means! Well, I just had a feeling that this year could be a productive year if I put some work into it, and I'm hoping to start seeing some results. I'm writing a lot more for EGL now, and I'm also working on a rather important project right now, to do with anti-bullying.

I'm also expanding my job search, although so far it hasn't worked so well (you know things are bad when you're told not to bother re-applying to Tesco anytime soon due to cut-backs <.< ). But basically, Becky has given me some advice and inspiration and I WILL be leaving Peacocks soon. Not "I hope to leave soon", I WILL. When, well I don't know. That is kind of relying on the job-hunt working out better for me. Things are very tight right now, and not even the supermarkets are hiring. But I WILL leave Peacocks.

I'm pretty much done now. Between Lynn insulting me in front of customers and the just continuation of normal bullshit, I have officially given up trying to be part of the "Peacocks Group", despite Lynn trying to badger us all into being best friends. Its not in my nature to be unsociable, or not a member of the team, but as was discussed with Becky last week, the fact I always want to be friends with everyone has now come to work against me. I don't care for these people anymore, and none of them have ever made me feel like part of the team or made the effort I have made. I've already pep-talked myself and ranted a lot on a forum I now visit, but the best way to sum up how I feel is that, in my mind, I've already left.

I also feel that things with me and Harry can move forward this year, but this means hard work of course, and this means having to have a serious talk with Harry. Not in a bad way, but more in a way "time to pull your socks up" way, because I think Harry lacks proactivity, and unfortunately, things just aren't going to happen for us, we have to MAKE them happen. But I feel good about things. We've even decided on our wedding/honeymoon destination (Mission Bay, San Diego).

I'm really thinking about getting my Black Rabbit tattoo this year (at least this year after February 3rd ;) ). It's something I've wanted to have for years, but keep getting put off. First of all, I worry how it will look if it interferes with other tattoos I get later (but I also know that "other" tattoos simply won't come until this one is done) and I do wonder where exactly I should get it. I've seen pictures of people who've had the same design (haha, turns out I'm not as original as I thought :P) and some of them look good, some not. I saw a large one on someone's waist and it had a charm I suppose, but I want to avoid tummy tattoos. One had two of the same on her shoulders, as if about to jump down her top and I didn't like them. I've actually seen a few on the wrist and arm area...but as much as I can imagine my rabbit peeking out of my inner wrist, I have a bit of an aversion to wrist tattoos...probably because I've seen so many chavs have them on the same place =/ I do think it might be an ok place, being as it could be hidden with a well-placed bracelet if need be...it just bothers me that many a chav might have their visible tattoos looked over because of their otherwise normal appearance, but when it comes to jobs, it may actually cause me more trouble. Hmm. Well the other place is my shoulder, just past my shoulder blade, but I need to be certain. I may ask a few people's opinions first. Harry is no good. He just says "I keep picturing naked bunny" XD

Well, not much to say otherwise. Just hoping that this year will be better than the last one (all up to October anyway :D). Wishing all my freaky darlins a good new year, and...bring on the Year of the Rabbit!

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Writer's Block: The witching hour

Oct. 31st, 2010 | 01:29 pm
location: Halloween Town :P
mood: calm calm
music: "Everyday is Halloween", Ministry

Do you celebrate Halloween? What do you like most and least about this holiday?

I do celebrate it, although not in the way that I would like to.  Truth be told, I would love to attend parties and get dressed up, but none of my friends ever seem to have Halloween parties etc, or else, those who do celebrate Halloween tend to go away for it (WGW or to gigs in London etc, very pricey, but sounds fun!).  I must admit I do dislike the fact I can't put up decorations at our house as my parents dislike Halloween, and it also entices the trick-or-treaters to our house.  I used to give out Black Jacks and Fruit Salads (black and purple, the Halloween colours!) but nowadays we actually tend to run out of trick-or-treaters before candy!

I do think the commercialisation can be a bit crappy, but at the same time, I enjoy the campy fun that comes with it.  Being a Goth, it does mean I can stock up on creepy looking things and can run about in velvet gowns without people thinking its odd...Goths often come into their own on Halloween :3

Nowadays, my celebrations are very quiet.  In the evening I might watch the Nightmare Before Christmas for kicks, but what I actually do is wait for the witching hour, light lots of candles and sit in silent meditation for a while, thinking about loved ones who have passed away.  For all the campy fun and silliness, people often forget that the original pagan festival involved preparing for the winter, and for remembering the deceased.  Now in some cultutes, this is still remembered (Mexico and Spain in particular), but in America and the UK, it seems to have fallen by the wayside.  Its actually a nice thing to do, just sit and think about the people who have passed on, setting a small amount of time for the,, so we do not forget them.  People may think this is morbid, but in fact, I fidn it very peaceful and soothing.

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A Post of 2 Halves- Part Deux: THE BIRTHDAY MASSACRE (and October awesomeness)

Oct. 9th, 2010 | 04:06 pm
location: The Violet Prison :D
mood: bouncy bouncy
music: The Birthday Massacre

So here's the good part!

House of Burlesque
On Saturday last week, I went to House of Burlesque, dressed like a kinky Mad Hatter with red eyes XD The weather was awful, so dad gave me a lift down there. It was a little awkward being alone...especially as the show hadn't sold nearly as well as previous shows had, and where I was sitting, I was surrounded by empty seats, so I felt weird yelling out, wooping or clapping, because it made me feel very conspicuous. But the show was very good. Joe made his entrance from the back, and everything had a Victorian theme. We had a Britannia strip (woohoo, patriotic AND sexy :P) and even a skit with "Sir Arthur Conan Doyle" trying to find faeries. At one point, he addressed the audience and asked "Are any of you fairies?" To which some men yelled yes, and he replied "Perhaps not the kind I'm looking for!" lol oh and of course, we then had a pretty faerie strip heehee (Doyle tried to kidnap her, so she kicked him in the nuts). There was a very funny sketch about a Victorian woman being exposed to the Karma Sutra and trying to hump a chair, and then go out and strip off in front of a man who turned out to be gay and totally uninterested- awww! XD It was hugely funny.

The only turn-off was the fact someone thought tonight would be just the night to bring a bunch of wheelchair-bound retards to the show, and one of them kept groaning like a constipated pigeon, very loudly, throughout the entire thing! It was really off-putting and I thought it was really inconsiderate to bring them...sorry, but they weren't paying attention to the show in the slightest, and none of them could have appreciated the jokes or the songs...let alone the stripteases! Its just like when selfish parents insist on taking their babies to the cinema and everyone else has to put up with the sprog crying halfway through!

But the show was very enjoyable. One of the strip acts was a large guy called Fred Bear, who came out dressed as Queen Victoria of all people, and then stripped down to a leather leiderhosen with a teddy bear printed on the front XD I have to admit...it was not sexy in the LEAST but it was very enjoyable in a sort of endearing way, and he was very popular because he was a real personality. He did another strip (from Queen Vic outfit), right down to a leather thong and some leg warmers, with his belly flopping about...it made me laugh because this is probably how Harry would look. It wasn't disgusting, but just funny, because it didn't really work.

Probably the most memorable act (and...for lack of a better word, shocking) was The Great Voltini. He came out and started off with a bog standard sword swallowing act, which, as he pointed out, has nothing to do with electricity, and so he then switched to a glass tube filled with a gas like neon that lights up when electricity is passed through it. He swallowed that, and you could see it glowing in his throat! Then he bought on a nurse ("Electra") and made her stand on a contraption that crackled, and made her hold a neon tube that lit up when the contraption was turned on. He then kept poking her fingers, tongue and even her boobs with fire-sticks coated in petrol, and she actually set them alight! Finally, though bought out a Van Der Draf generation, which he hooked up to himself...he had the neon tube, but a neon halo on his head and then stuck a lightbulb-bearing probe literally up his arse...and then connected himself! O.O I had my jaw hanging open all the way through, I've never seen anything like it!

I had a bit of a fangirl moment, when, during the second part, I was sitting on the edge of the aisle, and suddenly someone was coming towards me. I looked up, ansd it was Joe going to the back for another entrance...but he was so close, I could have reached out and touched him...I was very tempted to glomp him, but no doubt I would have been kicked out and ruined the entrance XD

He did a little thing on stage too, running flames over his chest and arms, and lying on a bed of nails...one of the women in the front row kept heckling him fondly all evening, saying she could see his willy, when she couldn't XD At one point near the end, he announced he has a solo show in February...she said somethign (I couldn't hear what) and he said "Yes, I'll get my penis out, just for you!" She replied with "Yaaaay!" XD He said "You DO know I sleep with other men, right?"

"Lucky, lucky men."

"Not really, I'm a rapist."


Getting home was a slight kerfuffle. I was going to walk to the train station, but the rain was torrential. I ended up getting a cab while Sally, the drag queen, friendily harrassed everyone with her business cards. I bought a ticket on the train, and the train was actually leaking <.< Dad told me to get a cab from Havant, but it was a nightmare...there were barely any to be had, and everyone was fighting over them. In the meantime, I had a bloke trying to chat me up with "You look well mad" (That was the idea), and then trying to get me to share a cab with him, even though he was going to Rowlands Castle. In the end, I managed to get one...driven by Kyle's friend who seems to think we're an item and that we'll "get back together" >.< (I don't want to think what he's told her, so I gently set her straight saying I think he had a thing for me, and that I'm engaged...tried to sound all sad about it actually, so she was very sweet about it, but it just squicked me how it sounded like she thought we were together!

All in all, apart from the Taxi Fiasco and the muchness of rain, a very enjoyable evening :)

Interlude- Vivien gives me free pressies
I ordered some makeup from Angel clothing, and Vivien slipped some free gifts in there! A little frankenstein bunny keyring and a tribal belly chain, because she remembered that I belly dance now :) It was so sweet of her! (I didn't have the heart to tell her that my fat belly actually broke the chain :( I'll fix it and wear it under my bra I think)


Brian and Tracey came to pick me up and then we all drove to Southampton and went to the Joiners. I had never been to the Joiners before, and would have missed it but for the crowd of gothy-clad peoples smoking outside. Its a very small venue, surprisingly so in fact, it must have started life as a wee pub. You'd think this would make it very unpleasant, but in fact it was quite a nice venue! It has that sort of skanky-chic XD Like lots of encouraged graffiti in the loos with "I slept with the drummer from so-and-so" and "so-and-so were awesome" etc, and the walls were just plastered from floor to ceiling in neatly applied band stickers. It was very friendly, and I later realise that I was standing next to the singer from one of the backup bands at the bar :) It was very informal in a way, and the merch stand was right at the front.

Brian was refusing to let me give him money for the petrol, and then tried to get us drinks, so I was like "Oh no you don't, if you're not going to let me pay you for the drive, then you're going to let me get this round!" I think we all only had one drink each...it was very crowded and difficult to move through the crowd (especially for me and Tracey as we're only little), and didn't want to have to waste too much time in the loo lol.

The first support act were Al B Damned, the singer of which had stood next to me at the bar. They were as cheesy as hell, with songs named like "So Far So Bad" and "Flat Line Valentine", oh and "From Transylvania With Love", which was odd, because they actually had a very good sound, and had the look of an American Hard-rock band, despite all being from Bournemouth XD As cheesy as the lyrics were ("And I knew that this was love the moment that she drank my blood"), it actually was fun to listen to, and they were enjoyable. And they were nice, and were very gracious performers. I think its always nice to see these sort of perfomers knocking back a couple of beers with the punters :)

Vivien turned up a little later too, which was lovely! I was so pleased to see her, and she told me it was her who had put the freebies in my makeup package :3 We had a really nice chat as well, before TBM came on, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I was admiring the t-shirts, and Brian was just hanging about with me and being awkward in his way that I'm slowly getting used to. I bought an awesome t-shirt (£15 too, wow, I'm sure I normally spend about £20 on a shirt), and the American/Canadian (not sure which) dude was insisting I only need an M, and I insisted on getting an L XD I was like "I only look small because of the corset!"

Oh yes, I was all purpley. I had my bright purple tights, frilly skirt, a cami over my striped purple sleeved top, and then my corset, and applied bunny rabbits everywhere I could- my bag, my earrings, my necklace...I was tempted to bring Minxy or Bonny, but in the end, I'm glad I didn't, I had a hard time just holding onto my coat and bag! Oh and my hair looks almost black at the moment, which looked nice :3

I discovered a passage to the front of the performance area through the toilets (on my one trip) and showed it to the others and we watched the second support act. They were called Raggedy Angry, and were a sort of industrial-synth band, with all these cool electronic things going on...they all wore glowy jumpsuits, but the singer's vocals were a bit too screamy for my liking. I enjoyed it, and had there been more room to dance, I would have because it was fun music, and I wouldn't mind buying a CD on a cheap site or something.

The singer, I was torn between liking him and him getting on my nerves. He was skinny but toned, and first unzipped his jumpsuit so his chest was bare, and by the end of the set was almost naked. He was wearing some boxers that were very bulgy at the front, and the Y-front were threatning to open O.O I enjoyed the music, but their stage presence was far less friendly than Al B Damned, so they both have their pros and cons. I was almost coerced into buying one of Raggedy Angry's £10 special CDs, and almost passed the money over to the very persuasive friendly lady selling them, but then I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach and pretended it was taxi fare :3 I have to say, she was very nice about it though XD

TBM came on soon after, and it was just...amazing. I'm not even sure where they came from as there was no backstage area! Well, they were so close, and they could see us as well as we could see them, I think! During Falling Down, I was waving at her like a rabid fangirl, and she seemed to look at me, and waved back. I was just gobsmacked and bounced up and down like a goofball and then she mimicked me! My heart just soaring, I gave her the V-for-Victory/Peace sign, and she did it back at me! I was squeeing so loudly that night that I reckon dogs in Portsmouth were probably wondering what the heck was going on!

The set was amazing, and I would have been happy with just that. The sound was near perfect, which surprised me as normally, synthy stuff I've heard live is a bit naff. Chibi could sing in her cute voice and in her growly voice live, and it was great! The entire gig was so intimate, and the whole band were quite interactive with the crowd, and it was one of the more special gigs I've been to. I mean, I enjoyed the intimacy of Kill Hannah, but I love TBM more, and I love the craziness of Emilie Autumn, but TBM were better. I love listening to their songs when I'm writing, they are very inspiring. Them and EA are pretty much neck-and-neck for my faves, and they are better personalities than her. I realised I already know most of the words to the Pins and Needles tracks too XD Everyone just danced and swayed and it was such a good atmosphere, and even though everyone was MELTING from the sheer heat, everyone felt great :D

Everyone screamed when they started Blue and Chibi joked "You MIGHT know this one!" XD They played a good mix of old songs and new songs, including To Die For, which is such a happy track, you might as well be one big dancing mass of happiness when it plays!

They couldnt' do a proper encore- as they said, they had nowhere to go, so they finished up with Happy Birthday, and then it all finished. Everyone loitered for ages at the merch stands, talking to the support band members etc. Me, Brian and Tracey loitered for ages...they were discussing who wanted who. Brian said "Well, Tracey wants the bassist, I want the singer, who do you want?" I said "The singer too!" and we pretended to argue over who would get her XD He said "Wouldn't Harry be less than impressed about that?" "Pfft," I replied "not with a girl, he'd want all the details!" XD I think I surprised him that I could play his dirty joking games too XD

We were cooling down just outside the door, when a very familliar couple of people popped out of an alley and walked back into the Joiners...one of them was Chibi! WE followed her nervously, lamenting our lack of pens, going "who goes first?" Tracey was feeling shy, so I went first. Chibi was discussing high-fives with someone else, and as I approached I said "Can I please have your autograph?" She was like "Of course!" and whipped out her own pen and signed my ticket. She paused and said "Do you know the theory of like the placement of the elbow giving the perfect high five?" Thats what they were discussing before. I said "No I don't." She was like "Oh well!" and put a smiley in the heart of her signature. Then she handed it back to me and said "Here, have a hug!" OH MY GOD THE SQUEEEEEEEE! I hugged her and said "Oh thank you so much!" For what? I'm not sure...for being such an inspiration when I'm writing my novel (which has been such hard work)? For the amazing show? For the hug and autograph? Squee, I'm such a douchey fangirl XD She hugged me back and said "No, thank YOU for coming!"

I was just all squeaky and bouncy for ages afterwards. Tracey and Brian also got signatures and huggles, and we left for a chippy, me and Tracey bursting out into happy squees of glee. I felt so hyper, and commented that I hadn't had anything to eat in ages, so how could I be hyper? Tracey said "'Tis the sugar of squee!" :D

Well, that I'm going to wrap up for now because I want to get off the computer...this was supposed to be a post of 2 halves, but it looks like it will have 3. Me not so good with the math :P

More updatings later! :D

Birthday Massacre Loving Chibi Bunny

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Writer's Block: Personality goes a long way

Sep. 5th, 2010 | 12:14 pm

Have you ever been the target of cyber-bullying? What was your reaction?

It doesn't happen to me often, although I was bullied a lot at school. But I didn't get a PC until after I finished my GCSEs, several years ago now. But I have been bullied online since then, and I'm sorry to say that it happened here on LiveJournal- specifically on the LJ Community EGL (Elegant Gothic Lolita). I joined the community hoping to find out more about the Japanese fashion movement; as a Goth, I was very interested in it, and this movement can overlap into Goth subculture. I have since found out more, but my first lesson was to avoid EGL like the plague.

I am not exaggerating- within 30 seconds of my joining there, I was recieving dozens of abusive messages. It transpires that in my eagerness to join, although I had looked for a rules page (and hadn't found it), I assumed that welcome-posts were just the norm, being as I've joined over communities and forums in the past where this happens frequently. I understand breaking a rule might incur a few notices of "You can't actually post that", (as is what happens on all other forums!) but instead I received a lot of very nasty comments, insulting my intelligence, my age, and whatever else they could think of. Some even started looking on my profile looking for ammunition. I won't lie, I was in tears within a few minutes; I had never before come across such abuse on a website before. Even a moderator of some sort seemed to be having a go too. It didn't take long- within twenty minutes, I had deleted my post and started typing up a complaint to the moderators, or whoever they refer to as the people who are supposed to keep the place running smoothly.

I wrote very eloquently and politely, stating that this sort of behaviour was not acceptable on any Internet community and that I had faith that they would see to it that it wouldn't happen again. And then I left. And I never recieved a response. They just ignored it. So despite the fact I think I behaved very calmly and politely about such a nasty situation, they simply turned their backs on it. Since then, I have heard on other forums about other people joining up only to be abused until they left, like I did. So all I can say is, don't go to EGL. And if you are already on EGL and you don't like what I just read, just think to yourself why. Have you actually seen it happen, or even participated?

There is no place for bullying in real life or online, and I think people who do this sort of thing ought to be ashamed of themselves. But of course, all bullies are cowards, and online, you get to hide behind your screen.

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The Big Update Entry!

Jul. 16th, 2010 | 11:59 am
mood: busy busy

Just haven't had the energy for a post in a while, so here is the big update entry! Now where shall I start?

Bellydance has been going so well. The last 4 lessons have been the best! I was just started to struggle, and then I suddenly got some of it, and we were doing certain things in class that were helping me to improve. One lesson we did arm movements and snake arms- something I had been practising at home with the videos, but was struggling with. But Susan showed us a way of doing it with a lift from the elbow rather than a roll from the shoulder, and now I think it looks much more graceful. The rolls and twists that we do also really help my wrist :) And most of all, my clicky hip is really improving, thanks to all those hip pops and raises! At the last couple of Nightshifts, I've thrown in some bellydance moves in with the "goth moves" (there aren't many, but I do "sweep the floor" and "change the lightbulb" XP) and it felt really good :) Last week, I also finally got my first proper hip scarf with coins on it, so I jingle! I originally wanted a black one, but Susan had run out in black, so I got a lovely purple velvet one too!

Yesterday was our last lesson for this term, and it starts again in September. Everyone in the class is going on to Improvers, and they want me to join, so Susan has suggested that I start the term as a Beginner, and then rejoin the old class as an Improver, as I've only been with the class for a short time. I'm really looking forward to it, but it means I'll have to be very diligent in learning from the videos over the summer!

Becky's birthday was really lovely, and I got out of work earlier so I could attend the picnic near Southsea castle. It was a lovely, hot day, but I din't melt at all, woo! I had trouble making Becky the mixed CD though, it just refused to burn onto disc! :( But the day was fun, and I also got a belated birthday present myself XD Thank you Beaky! We walked to canoe lake, and when the others got their lift, I decided to walk to Gunwharf along the seafront, as it was a lovely evening and I just felt like a stroll. At one point, I got some napkins from a cafe, picked up my skirts, slipped on my flipflops and walked in the surf, which was lovely n_n It was a long, but very lovely walk, and then me and Zak met up and trained home.

Zak's birthday wasn't as eventful, and started off a bit crap as he was moody and refusing money/cards/presents, but later softened and seemed very grateful for the £30 I gave him.

Danny still hasn't come by to get his birthday present :( I feel neglected!

Nightshift in June was a bit naff, but Nightshift last week was really good, although it was preceeded by Kyle being such a fucking douche that I dropped his ass and kicked it to the curb finally! I know its a bit of a minor thing to get angry about, but he basically cancelled on me at the 11th hour, leaving me with no way to get there (as my budget of £30 is eaten up by the taxi fares if I go alone). He gave the excuse that he "couldn't be arsed", which pissed me off. I mean, yes, friends cancel on you sometimes, but you'd think he'd at least come up with a decent reason (even a lie would have been better) and after all that shit I've put up with him. I was annoyed and said "Oh great, thanks 'mate'" and then he told me to grow up. I saw red and lost it, and just told him everything that I've kept bottled up for the last 2 years. He was convinced I was just throwing a wobbler because he wouldn't be my "taxi" and I decided to make it clear to him that wasn't the case. He tried to make out I was being the bad guy, but I think I managed to prove what a cunt he is, and in his shame, he deleted it all from Facebook. I admit, I shouldn't have done it on Facebook, but it wasn't my intention- I just lost it! Becky thinks I should maybe leave a door open for him, and on some level she maybe right, but the truth is, I've seen the malicious side of him now (he's been being nasty to Tasha as well) and I don't really want to be friends with this person anymore. He's absolutely pathetic and I'm much better off without him. I don't even care if he changes his mind abotu Nightshift and comes back to the next one, I'll just ignore him, like he does to me all fucking evening. Telling me to grow up, jeez. Words that spring to mind- pot, kettle, and black.

But last week's one still went ahead- dad gave me a lift there, and the DJ, Pete, said he'd drop me off back to Havant if I gave him some petrol money, so I got to go afterall! I was so pleased! And it ended up being a fantastic night- I spent hours talking to Vivien, who I had missed, and I met her husband too. And I played around and hung out with Billie and Sam for a while too, so it was great fun, and Kyle missed out on all of it :P

Harry's been having a hard time of it recently, and he actually started a fight a few weeks back when he started taking it out on me, and I got very upset. Fortunately, he got a good telling off, and we sorted it out, and hes trying very hard. The stuff he's putting up with is just stupid and I feel bad for him. We're also having to change the wedding plans. The 11 month wait after the wedding is apparently in accurate, and we could be waiting for 2 and half years instead. But of I get the K1 visa, to marry in the US, I could be approved in 9 months. So we're going down that option, and we're also considering eloping, with just our folks and a select few, to Carmel or some other distant spot in the US. So, hard times, but we're bearing up.

A nightmare as usual. Management being petty about stupid shit, Laura taking shit out on me. Getting really sick of it, but job hunting is fruitless. Why aren't there any full-time vacancies ANYWHERE? I was lied to by New Look in Chi this week, they said there was full-time then claimed they could only give 16 hours. I declined an interview- I'm sick of wasting money on going to these things when I know I'll have to decline the position anywah >.< Uggh!

I have some holiday coming up, and I'm looking forward to it, I need a break!

Well, thats the most I can think of for now, this was just supposed to be a quick catch up! Laters!

Rushing Bunny

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I just don't know what to do...

May. 31st, 2010 | 09:17 pm
mood: exhausted exhausted
music: Emilie Autumn and the Birthday Massacre

...about Zak.

On one hand, he does not deserve my sympathy, nor anyone else's. If his weekend has been "ruined" than he was the one who ruined it. And if he's in huge trouble, well, thats down to him again. So why do I care? Why am I so worried about him?

It all started on Saturday- Eurovision Day. Zak absolutely loves the Eurovision Song Contest, and had been saying all week that he was going to throw a sicky to get to watch it. He had tried booking the night off weeks and weeks ago, but they wouldn't let him, but because they've been fucking around with his wages yet AGAIN, he couldn't afford to take the night off. So he was gone all day, doing one of those dodgy double shifts were you're there for basically 11 hours but only get 1 hour for a break. Mum said that we would Sky+ the contest, do our regular game without him (where we rate the songs, take notes, and then pick our top 5) and then we he got home, we'd watch the results on Sky+, or maybe even watch the whole contest again with Zak if he wanted (I was willing to, because I just felt so bad for him).

So that's what we did. The three of us watched it. Then, hoping to avoid a petty argument between Zak and Dad, I took everyone's picks and hid them on my person so they couldn't be changed (because Zak always claims Dad cheats and copies him). Then we waited for him to come home. At first we were expecting him to be excited- he sent Dad a text saying he was "running" home from the train station as fast as he could.

But the minute he got in, he started effing and blinding at mum and dad and calling dad a fucking bastard etc. He claims that he asked Dad if maybe we could all watch it together, instead of having him left out. As he told me later, he felt left out because even though he got to watch the contest and results on Sky+, he didn't get to enjoy the "banter" and the chat we have when discussing the songs. I could understand feeling left out- so SO many times have I been left out of family affairs (fuck, I got left out of a fucking holiday!) but I felt he was overreacting a LOT. He was basically bullying mum and dad, swearing constantly, and insulting them. He even then whined to mum that everyone was making him out to be the "bad guy" when in fact, no one had said anything, we'd tried to ignore his ranting! Then because I guess he sees me as "neutral" he started ranting to me about what a fucking prick dad is and then threw his mobile phone across the room. It hit the wall so hard that it actually frightened me, and I'm surprised it didn't break. When he started throwing more stuff around, I told him to stop it.

I HATE having things thrown around me. Harry threw his lava lamp at the wall once and it scared me so much I started CRYING. Now, I know that the violence was being aimed at inanimate objects and not me, and that on both occassions, I was not the person who had caused the anger, but it is very upsetting to witness. Harry will never do it again. Zak did actually ask why it upset me, and I explained, and at the time he seemed ok with my explanation. However, it seems now that he's just as pissed off with ME for not liking his tantrum as he is with mum and dad for "ruining" Eurovision. I think he was also expecting this Eurovision to be a big happy one because next year he'll be in Oz, but how is it our fault?

Anyway, the next day, I didn't hear a word out of him. He was at work again (he still sat up on his own watching the entries), so I didn't see him till the evening. Today was his tennis tournament, and during the week, Zak asked me (rather excitedly) whether or not I was coming. I've been to 2 of them of them now, and took photos at the last one (which he liked) and so I was very game to watch him play. Tennis is very important to him, and I want to show my support for him, but unfortunately, he doesn't appreciate anything anyone does for him at all. He was still expecting me and Dad (and possibly mum) to be getting up early on a Bank Holiday Monday, still expecting Dad to drive him to Southampton, and still expecting us to be routing for him. He takes it for granted. Late last night, I was still up for going, although I suspected that things were still very frosty between him and dad. So as he was walking past me while I was watching a movie, I asked "You ready for tomorrow?"

He paused on the stairs, and then just carried on, ignoring me.

I said to dad, very angrily "He needs to fucking grow up!" He agreed. I said that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go now. Apparently, he was pissed at me for just not liking his violent tantrum. I spent the rest of the night debating whether or not I should go. I don't like early starts at the best of times, and I didn't want to get up early, only to have a rotten time. I decided to set my alarm anyway and straightened my hair before bed so it would be one less thing to do in the morning. But I didn't sleep well. I had a dream we all had a massive row because of Zak. I woke up sometime BEFORE my alarm because mum's fucking mobile was in her handbag outside my room and woke me up. Then I heard Zak get up. So I got up.

I actually felt ill as well, so between the illness, getting woken up early, and the dream, I wasn't really keen on going. I told Zak I felt sick and I didn't know if I wanted to go, but left my camera with him, saying that it was set to Sport Mode if Dad wanted to use it. He ignored me. I figured he was upset that I was letting him down, so I got out of bed again, feeling really guilty, and said "Look Zak, if you want me to come, I'll come, but you have to let me know now, while I have enough time to get ready."

He just snapped "I don't care".

Well, it seemed to matter a lot to him earlier in the week. I wasn't doing this to spite him, I know how much it means to him, but he doesn't appreciate anything anyone does for him. Even after a good tournament, he spends the entire journey home bitching at dad about how he doesn't encourage him enough (he is in fact, very encouraging, whacking out bottles, towels and bananas, saying things like "calm down Zak/good one Zak" etc). Fuck, if he encourages TOO much, Zak says he's put him off. And then he grills the both of us on what his weaknesses were. This is where he turns on me- I don't know ANYTHING about tennis, so I can't tell him, sometimes I can see things like sloppy movements or whatever, but because I'm not a sportswoman, I can't tell him, and he cops at us, saying how can he get better if he doesn't know how to improve? This is on a GOOD day. Today was certain to be a bad day, as certain as it was that the sun will go down this evening. I didn't want to withold my support, I still wanted him to do well, but I also didn't think me and dad should be expected to be pillars of support when we were being treated so badly (especially Dad!) and that I had no desire to go to the tournament if it was just going to be awkward and unpleasant. So I went back to bed (after briefly telling dad).

Because of how guilty I felt, it took me AGES to get back to sleep, and I only got out of bed around noon. Funnily enough, as I got of bed to pull the curtains open, I saw dad's car outside. A second later, he had opened the front door. He came in and told me and mum that he'd left Zak in Southampton on his own. After his first game (which he lost), he muttered something sarcastically to dad about all the "great encouragement" he was recieving and dad said "Oh, so you've not spoken to me for the last 2 days, but you still expect me to cheer for you?" And Zak said "yeah." Dad decided that he obviously wasn't doing a very good job and that he wasn't needed and just left him there, leaving Zak to play 2 more games without any support, and to find his own way home. On one hand, I feel like "Good on you dad!" but on the other, I've been tense with anxiety all day, just waiting for Zak to come home and fucking explode.

He did not, surprisingly enough, which worries me even more!

He came home in the mid-afternoon. We've barely had a word out of him. When asked by dad how his games went, he just snapped "How do you think they went?" (I would have guessed he would have performed very poorly after Dad left, and perhaps even before, because when he's angry, he can no longer control his serve or anything else, and just goes crazy. If he begins to lose a match, he will often have a downward spiral where his game suffers because he's getting angry at himself for not being better. I imagine he was furious and couldn't control himself any longer).

He asked me "How long are you going to be on the computer" at some point this afternoon. He's not said another thing to me since.

When mum made pizza and served it up, he wouldn't join us at the table, and carried on watching some David Mitchell thing on the PC. When asked whether he wanted to eat at the PC, he just mumbled "Not hungry". (Zak is always hungry).

While we were eating his mobile phone started ringing, and he pressed it down (to stop it moving) and ignored it. After it rang a second time, he actually took the battery out of the phone. Not 30 seconds later, the home phone rang (but we never answer during dinner). Dad later did a 1471, and it was a Pompey number, in fact, he's almost certain it was the number for the Haha Bar. Zak told dad that he hadn't been able to get today off work when he first booked it, but was paying another colleague a tenner to do the shift for him. Either he didn't arrange it, or else that person stitched him up. I'm not sure, but I do remember him telling me during the week that he was going to swap shifts or something, and that including his days off, he ought to have had 6 days off. Which he now hasn't had.

I am so worried now that he'll get the sack for not turning up to work (and technically, he could have had time to go...I'm just hoping that maybe his manager was trying to rope him in or something, but I doubt it). Thing is, although its the last thing he deserves right now, he NEEDs that damn trip to Oz. Mum and Dad NEED him to take that damn trip. They need a break from him and his outrages. He needs to live on his own and support himself and learn some respect and the value of money etc. But if he loses his job, he won't have the money he needs. It could become our problem if he's made to stay here longer than expected.

But I'm also worried about his behaviour. He's still childishly angry at US, but I'm also scared that he's having a depressive episode. He makes quips about killing himself, and when he sleeps on the sofa (like he did after tea) or refuses to eat, then something's wrong. I'm really scared he's going to meltdown and just ruin himself. I mean, ok, there is the worry that he'll just be horrible to us as well, but I'm scared for HIM too. But why should I be? He's a horrible little boy who needs to grow up. He has to learn to treat our parents with respect, instead of telling them to their face that their bad parents (which they are not). I like how he seems to have grown closer to me, but I'm not immune to his tantrums by far, and I don't like to listen to him saying how horrible our parents aren't when they are not. They've done so much for us, even when I'm angry with them, I know deep down that they love us, and I never throw back in their faces things that happened in the past. Like mum's PND. One day she walked out of the house and Zak was only a little thing, and he cried and cried, thinking she would never come back. She did, a few hours later, after going home and crying to HER dad, but Zak seems to have never forgiven her for that abandonment. He was a mummy's boy back then, and in some ways still is, but he also seems to resent that. I've tried explaining to him that mum was very ill back then (fuck's sake, I was convinced she HATED me when I was a little girl, and I don't resent her for it, I understand now how poorly she was, and we're closer than ever!). His being more spoilt than me must have something to do with it, because instead of resenting my parents for the cock-ups they had, I've understood them and grown closer to them because of them.

So yeah, I really needed to get that off my chest, because I'm very worried now. Fuck. I just get over all my last bit of stress and Zak has to go and do this. I wish I could stop caring, but unfortunately, you can't just switch your heart off.

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If I do get carried away by Donald Duck while wearing a straitjacket, you will know why...

May. 18th, 2010 | 08:09 pm
location: Rebel Bunny Camp
mood: Rebellious Rebellious
music: Emilie Autumn, "Laced/Unlaced"

I had the most peculiar dream last night. I was having a mental breakdown because my cousin wouldn't stop tormenting me (at least, it was supposed to be my cousin, but instead of being Thai, he was black O.o and also much younger than he is now) and just driving me mad. Picking on me, jogging me, poking me, just being as fucking annoying as a person can be (he's not actually like that in real life either lol). Mum and Zak seemed sympathetic, but Dad laughed and wouldn't believe me when I said I was about to lose my mind. I warned everyone that if one more thing happened, I would snap, and then he did it again, so I opened my mouth and screamed the most DERANGED scream- it was long, and maniacal, and just plain unhinged, and then completely exhausted, I collapsed. Then Donald Duck wheelbarrowed me away to some mountain for lunatics while I was mumbling incoherently in a straitjacket.

But the thing about this dream that was so weird was the fact that when my alarm clock pulled me back to reality, I felt so drained- like I had actually just screamed that ear-splitting, jaw-unhinging scream of insanity and had actually collapsed. I know I don't normally feel particularly motivated or energetic first thing in the morning, but I had a period of time after getting up when I felt pretty tired, and really weird. I just had a weird feeling that dream was significant in some way, but I hope that its not somehow warning me about what seems the most obvious- that I'm really about to flip my lid.

I'm surprised that I didn't today. The bullshit at work has reached such a new height that I'm actually shocked at myself that I didn't burst into tears and then walk out never to return. In fact, I'm sort of grimly pleased that I've resolved to do something else- actually something- about said bullshit. You maybe thinking "oh what is it now?" but to just give you a little information before I go into detail, I will say this; people complaining about my medical condition has got to be some form of fucking discrimination.

I was having my Colleague Review today with Laura, and to be honest, it didn't go all that badly on paper. In fact, despite the fact I am now full of seething rage and distrust for most of my colleagues, even I have taken something positive from the review. I scored highly on every section and even where I didn't score so highly, it wasn't down to any sort of failure on my part, mainly due to lack of training and the fact that particular subject doesn't normally come under my job description (equipment configuration and all that). Laura wrote lots of helpful notes on my review sheet too.

Then before she started writing out the conclusion part of the review, she said we had to talk about some things.

Now, I won't lie as to do so would be stupid; my attitude toward this job (a job I've been working for 3 years and 8 months now, so not a short amount of time) has been very apathetic in the last year or so. I have completely stopped giving a rat's bottom about the twee customer services' crap, about what my colleagues think about me. I was bright and enthusiastic once, in this job. I still am from time to time, and it normally ends with me feeling like I'm an outsider. I have never intentionally tried to distance myself from my colleagues- except for when they've been hurtful towards me. I want to be friends with the people I work with, however, unlike friends, I can't choose who I'm working with- and while I can certainly be professional and civil to them, I can't make myself like people who I would never be friends with. The fact that I've spent years trying to be eager about my work, trying to be a team-worker and getting taken for granted and used as a dogsbody, the fact that I'm always exlcuded from the social part of the work atmosphere has disillusioned me to the team, and has made me very apathetic towards my job and the people I have to interact with. Today, I learned a lesson; Apathy Isn't Working.

As Laura started, my immediate assumption was "oh, I've been a bit down and moody since my trip to see Harry, happened last year and the year before that too, I get over it" (in fact, I later bought up the fact that I assumed that was what she was going to say, and she laughed and said "That's true!" but also didn't make a big deal out of it- she was actually very understanding about that!), but then it was to be told that members of staff have made complaints about the fact that I am "using" my diagnosed tendonitis of my right hand to "get out" of tasks and that I'm not pulling my weight.

I want to vent my sheer rage at that, as well as eloquently get across what happened, so I have to say this; Suck, my cock, you fuckers!

The one task that I ask not to perform is CLEANING THE MIRRORS! It is a task that, before my hand began to hurt, would take me 5 minutes to perform thoroughly, if uninterrupted. It is NOT a big task, but doing this job does cause me very unpleasant pain that stays in my arm for hours, and can even cause it to radiate up to my shoulder. However, I do not try to get out of cleaning tasks; I still sweep the floors, hoover the mats and mop the floors, and often times, I will be the person to do the majority (if not all) of those tasks.

So for someone to complain about me that I'm "using" a diagnosed medical condition to get out of one little job isn't even petty- its fucking pathetic and spiteful.

I actually have a doctors note. I told my doctor that the worst tasks that have a painful affect on my hand at work are normally cleaning tasks, especially cleaning mirrors. She offered to write me a note, and I accepted- as I've told both Janine and Laura, I'm not saying at all that I want to be exempt from ALL potentially painful tasks ALL the time, just when my arm hurts. Cleaning the mirrors is the one task that causes real discomfort though, so I haven't done it for weeks, in fact a couple of months. BUT! I used to do it EVERYDAY before my Ohio trip.

Laura said however that my doctors note says that my doctor has specified "heavy lifting" (which is stupid, because I told my doctor that heavy lifting wasn't actually an issue- believe it or not, when I'm lifting something heavy, it rarely causes pain at all, but tendonitis is like a repetitive-strain sort of thing, so it makes sense that tasks that actually focus on pressure on that hand hurt more- lifting things normally involves the body). If I get a new doctor's note, that will be ok, but I'm annoyed that my doctor messed up what I plainly said to her.

I am certain that Mags is one of the people who complained. She's the one who always moans shes got a million different ailments, and complains about them, but she has never once said to me that she has trouble doing a task. I had to clean the mirrors today, and she said "Oh, I didn't leave it for you on purpose" and the way she said it...hmm. Well, its most likely she complained at any rate, because she's one of the few people who I do cleaning with in the evenings. I tried to make a joke about the fact I was doing the mirrors "cack-handed"- it actually took me twice as long to do the job, and nowhere near as thoroughly though. I am actually fuming that some petty peices of shit have complained about this. I'm almost certain Gail is in on it to, because of her complaining about me not handing my note into the file last week. I think she was pissed that I said I couldn't help her set up some equipment that involved screwing and unscrewing some extremely difficult metal bolts and things- its SO painful on my hands, and I think she was just annoyed because she couldn't wriggle out of it. The thing is, although I now know what it is that's wrong with my arm, I don't suddenly start holding it limp and whining "I can't lift this duster, I have tendonitis"- fuck no! If anything, Gail has always been far lazier than me, and her only excuse is that she's grossly fat -_- She won't hurry to customers or the phone, but practically crawls her way there.

So yes, I am angry about that. I think it was Mags and Gail, because Laura implied that at least 2 people have complained, and said "the staff aren't happy about it".

Lets hope I don't fucking break my arm then, lets see how they manage that the lazy fuckers.

Next, she said that a couple members of staff have complained that I treat them like kids.

Instantly, I thought "Sophie".

Sophie is thick, and I have to dumb down what I say to her, because she doesn't understand. I don't intend to sound "kiddish", but if you're not used to speaking in a common way, it sometimes comes off like that. Heck, I think a lot of people who speak in a common tone sound patronising, unintentionally. And being as Sophie misunderstood "people with dyslexia are not stupid" as me making fun of her dyslexic brother, I don't think it would take much for her to think that I was speaking down to her or belittling her just because I was simplifying my speech. From what I remember, Laura said that the plaintive has accused me of not only speaking down to them like a child, but also bossing them around.

Thats so untrue, so I'm convinced its been a case of someone (either Mags or Sophie, and possibly Gail once again) fucking up on the till or something, and me trying to help correct it, and them misunderstanding my attempts to help a team-member as me trying to "get one over" on them. I was genuinely hurt by this, as hurt as I was by previous complaint although less angry. I've resolved not to dumb down my speech- if they feel stupid due to my choice of words then, than that's their problem. At least by trying to sound "common" I won't mistakenly put on a patronising tone. I can't think of time when it would have come off sounding like that, to be honest; I'm basically grasping at straws, going by the fact I know people who speak like that sometimes do sound patronising by accident. Sophie herself does. As I said to Laura, I am a team-player and always have been, and have always been praised on my team-skills, and I only want to help out my colleagues. I am also not bossy by nature, and don't feel comfortable delegating to other people. Although in recent months, I have looked down on certain individuals for personal reasons, I've never felt myself as being in a position higher than that of my colleagues, even though I'm basically senior to most of them. If a colleague asks for my advice, I'd see that as a colleague doing just that, but I never feel as though someone is looking for me to take charge- thats not my job, and also not my place.

And finally, one that has really rubbed me up the wrong way because it is completely untrue- Janine has told Laura that I have been disobeying her and not doing as told. I was really upset to hear that. I have never "disobeyed" anyone, not even Cassie! I WILL do as told- as I said a few days ago, if I'm told with an attitude, I will chew my bit and dig in my heels for a moment, because I hate it when people treat me that way, but I'll also bite my tongue and just get on with it, even if I am thinking evil things and less than enthusiastic about the task. If you come up to me and say "Laura, could you X for me please?" I will say "sure" and hop to it as soon as possible. I have NEVER refused to do something.

Janine has complained that she asked me to tidy ladies, and I apparently moaned "I've had enough of that!" and refused. It is likely that I did say at some point "Oh, I've done that so many times today" and then just done it anyway, but I would never have refused. If I have done that same job 3 times already in a shift, I'm likely to show little enthusiasm to repeat it. But I will never say no and not do it.

I am so upset that on top of me having to put up with Janine's mood swings, her weird temper and hypocrisy, I now have her making an untrue complaint about me. Heck, every single complaint raised today was untrue and unfair. I wish I could sit back and feel humble and just accept I've done something wrong, instead of feeling like I have a pit of writhing angry snakes for a gut, but I haven't done anything wrong. Fuck, is having tendonitis really something that I've done wrong? I said straight out to Laura that this is untrue, and that I can't think of where this is has come from (it didn't occur till later about the "common" speech, but I don't really want to try voicing that thought to her, in case I worded it wrong). Laura suggested that maybe a comment of something like "Oh I've done that so many times today" may have been misconstrued as refusal (but I did the job anyway!), and suggested maybe keeping those thoughts to myself- her words were "I know you're only trying to lighten the mood, but maybe its offensive to some of the staff?" I would like to know how its exactly offensive, me commenting on the fact that cleaning and tidying a single section of the shop 3 times in one day is something of a bore? Especially as everyone, everyday will complain at some point about the quietness/the mess/customers etc. Why is it that everyone is allowed to have a little bitch, and the moment a word of negativity leaves my lips, its complaining about Laura B behind her back?

I felt like crying. I felt utterly deflated and just sank in my chair thinking how I want to leave my job and how everyone is ganging up on me. I'm sure that's possibly a slight exaggeration, as I'm sure there are certain staff members who are not involved at all, and that perhaps some of the issues are more of a misunderstanding than anything else, but to have all this dropped on me, it really does FEEL like everyone is ganging up on me. How else am I supposed to feel when I hear that the staff think I'm not pulling my weight, and that I'm using my tendonitis to get out of work, when in fact, I do a lot of work? How else am I supposed to feel when everyone excludes me from conversations and things and I'm left in a corner, working alone?

I actually decided to take a risk and I said; "This is not me trying to flip the table and make this Janine's issue rather than mine, but you know...she's really moody too sometimes. I don't like to be near here when she's in a mood, and I don't even like to joke around her, so I just try to give her space. Perhaps this incident happened when she was in a mood and our wires got crossed- I do sort of avoid her, but I don't ignore her." I also explained to Laura about the time I actually called Janine up on her moods and how she apologised, and then I decided to tell her something I've never voiced at work before. I said; "When Janine first came here, I really didn't like her. But when I got to know her, I came to really like her, I really, honestly do, and I enjoy working with her, so it's upset me to hear this."

Laura said to this that she doesn't think Janine dislikes me or doesn't like working with me, but she seems to feel that I don't accept her authority as manager when Laura is not there. She says that she never sees these problems when she's around, but only hears about it happening when she's not present- she's of course obligated to bring it up. I just felt so CRAP, I felt so sad, like "well, what the fuck can I do then?"

She started drawing up a plan of things we're going to do- partly to get me up to date with equipment training and stuff, but also put down some team building stuff to be reviewed in two weeks. I've suggested having a chat with Janine; I want to tell her that I don't actually have a problem with her, and I want her to understand that, but if she goes into "professional" Janine, it could be difficult. Some other stuff.

To be honest, all I was thinking was "fuck this, fuck that". I had no intention at that point to do any fucking thing at all. I think it was mainly the tendonitis thing, but I was just thinking "why SHOULD I make an effort for these bastards? They just keep causing me problems, and making my life a misery, so why should I do anything for them? I don't even CARE anymore..."

And that's when I realised that not caring may not directly be causing the problem- no, the problems are causing the not-caring and it becomes a vicious cycle. Of course I'm not fucking model employer of the year if I feel so apathetic towards my workplace! But then it occurred to me- If I follow this plan, if I do make an effort, if I try to do my best, nobody can have a legitimate complaint against me (and even if they do, I'll have my progess to knock their argument flat with). I won't be doing it to make THEIR life easier- it'll be to make MY life easier.

So I'm going to try it. Even though I feel like spraying the fucking shop with bullets at the moment (maybe I'll ask Zak if we can spray some Special Infected with bullets in Left 4 Dead instead :D). I actually feel exhausted right now, but I'm hoping its just from the initial reaction of all this bullshit being thrown on top of me. I feel like crying and sleeping, but I do have a sort of grim motivation to do this now.

I said to Laura as we agreed on the plan, "I won't lie, I am really upset about this, I don't think this complaints are true or fair, and it really bums me out that whoever it is who thinks I'm the way they've decided thinks that, because I know I'm not. So I really would like to try and prove them wrong."

Laura seemed to think that was the spirit and I think she understand how this has gotten to me, so I do feel I have at least the minimal amount of support there.

Thats ALL I can do. Apathy didn't work. Making an effort may seem like I'm letting them win, but I'd rather do it to be a "fuck you" to them instead. If it ends up being a fruitless effort...well...I'll burn that bridge when I come to it...possibly with molotov cocktails in Left 4 Dead lol. But seriously, I'm hoping this works, because I have no fucking clue what else I can do. I tried working hard before and it just bitch-slapped me in the face.

I started as soon as the review was over. I went out and got all chatty with Mags (and if you make an effort with Mags, she often responds in kind), and went out and fucking super-tidied that damn shop and did a damn good job of it too. I was being really helpful and I personally think I was being the model employee. It kept me going right up until I got home. It didn't feel bad to do it either...I feel crap still, but mainly because of then review. I think Laura will try to back me up as well, if it looks like I'm making an effort. I can't promise to tug hooks into my cheeks and be the Zombie that the company would love, but I CAN make an effort. I won't lie- I have been doing my job, but I haven't been putting any motivation or enthusiasm into it for the reasons I already stated. But my sanity seems like a pretty damn good reason to make an effort, and if it keeps me from being carted off to Crazy Mountain by Donald Duck in a wheelbarrow, then I think it will be worth it.

Wish me luck, my freaky darlins.

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Yesterday was ma birthday woo!

May. 2nd, 2010 | 03:34 pm
mood: bouncy bouncy
music: Emilie Autumn and Bullet For My Valentine

And it turned out much better than expected!

Last night, after my whiny emo post, I called Harry and he had his folks sing happy birthday at me down the phone, which cheered me up and amused me in equal measures, and then when I was watching Family Guy, dad and Zak came in and said that they would be happy to meet up in the Robin Hood and have a couple of drinks with me :) Mum knew she would be too tired to go, and she said that she needs to go underwear shopping next weekend, and that she'd take me along so we can have a nice girly day, because we don't get the chance to do much together nowadays. It cheered me up quite a bit. I wasn't mad at my folks at all, just the other people who'd kinda blown me off (and even then, I admit I was making a bigger deal of it than I should have).

But yesterday ended up being rather good! :) I dressed in my Victorian Lolita style (including PVC corset- its my birthday, I can wear what I like! >:P), Dad gave me a lift to the train station and I went up to meet with Beaky (technically, neither of us were late, originally we said 11:30, but then said it probably means 12 :P). As I was coming in on the train, I got a text from Beaky saying she might be a little slow as she was getting me a surprise. And surprised I was to see her coming along with a pink helium balloon saying Birthday Girl! It made me so happy n_______n THANK YOU BEAKY!

We browsed in shops and had a lunch at Wetherspoons, where we also had cake (must have cake on your birthday :3) and it was really nice. We had a catch up and a chat and just had a nice time, looking around the shops. Becky bought John Barrowman tickets for her and her mum, and a Studio Ghibli movie about pandas, whereas I waited until the end to buy myself anything (even though it was my birthday and I was 'sposed to be treating myself, I was still being good, darn!). We also played the Next Game again, and I ended up finding a top sort of by accident that I might actually buy (when me and mum go shopping next week anyways). It was a good fun day all round, and after Becky had to go, I decided on what I was going to buy. A quick to call to Harry, and he gave me permission to buy Preludes and Nocturnes (the only Sandman book I hadn't actually read, Harry had ordered it for me, but it kept getting put on back order so he's going to remove it) and Bullet for My Valentine's new album (because I heard them on the radio at work the other day and it seemed good :) ). The weather was really funny all day, but I got a little bit of time when I needed my parasol up when I was waiting for my train, and it amused one of the conductors. Oh! Yeah, I got a lot of funny looks, more than usual! I guess it might have been the collar and the fascinator (which I removed after a while, because the balloon kept bumping on it lol) but really, the way some people actually GAWP at you as they walk by, it just makes you frown; its so rude that it makes you think "Uhh, what!?" I am used to getting looks, but one girl actually had her head turned towards me even as she walked away, (its a shame she didn't walk into a lamp post, because that would have been great XD). One fat little prepubscent boy was pretending to be nice and said I looked cool, and when I said thanks, he said "Yeah you look like MY NAN!" and he and his friend were giggling as if they'd said the funniest thing ever *rolls eyes*. So I just said very brightly and enthusiastically "REALLY!? Your nan wears PVC!? Wow she sounds like a HOOT I'd love to meet her!" (Wow, she probably wears corsets and New Rocks too! :P )

(Seriously, its weird, I actually get more filthy looks for dressing in Victorian style in the UK then I do in the US, I guess the Americans find it charming!)

But that aside (fuck 'em, we all know how long I've been putting up with that stuff for anyway), it was a really nice day, and we just enjoyed ourselves and had a good time. I really felt loads better, thanks to Beaky n_n

Oh this is sad though....I had my balloon with me all day (a few random people called out happy birthday at one point, and the lady who served me in HMV said she wished she could give me birthday discount, but everyone would want it XD), but then literally, I was just on the corner of my street when I felt the ribbon give. I turned around, and the ribbon had simply untied the bottom of the balloon and it was already floating above my head! Seriously, I was 30 seconds from my front door, and it was gone! I was really sad, I felt terrible, because it was such a lovely gesture for Beaky to get it for me, and I lost it 30 seconds from my front door! I just had to watch it float away...being helium they just go up and up and up! ; ___ ; IM SO SORRY BEAKY....:(


I got home, and I changed clothes (I was just so hot from being in my coat and corset for too long) and wore my new lolita skirt instead, and then me and Dad went to Havant to meet up with Zak.

Oh first, mum and dad gave me their present and card. I opened the card and it was one of those very flowery sugary sort of cards your nan picks, with pretty fairies and cherry blosoms on it, and at the top said "Daughter"...above with, someone with my dad's handwriting had scrawled in biro "You are our" XD It was one of those sorts of cards with a little sweet, cliche poem about being happy and stuff, so I flip it open, and dad's written;

"What a load of bollocks. I mean, who writes this shit anyway?
I mean...happy birthday Darling! Mum and Dad xxx"

And on the back, a fake price of £79.99 had been crossed out XD

Oh my XD

My parents got me that bracelet from Angel Clothing I was looking at:
Its a little big, but they only make one size. Fortunately, it seems as though it won't actually fall off my hand while I'm wearing it :) I wore it out n_n

Zak met us at the Robin Hood, and we just had a little chat and a couple of rounds- we weren't going to be out for ages or anything, but it was just nice to have a couple. When I was buying my round, I bought over Zak's bud and my port over first and dad went "Mine's the most important, you should have bought it over first!" (Barmaid was watching it for me). I said "Oh yes, it is the most important dad, but if I have both hands free to carry it, I can insure it won't be spilled, because its so important!" :P Zak's present was the Deluxe edition of Opheliac by Emilie Autumn (which funnily enough, I saw in HMV today, and it just surprised me, its not the sort of thing you expect to see in shops), and I said "Oh Zak, that was so generous of you, to give me your wallet and let me use it to buy this CD!" XD Zak was in a friendly mood (so only some gentle teasing), so it was a pretty nice little get-together. Then we went home and picked up some stuff from the Chinese on the way back. I snuggled up with Tommy in my pyjamas while watching BGT, and when I got bored of that, I started reading Preludes and Nocturnes (and it gave me funny, awesome, sexy dreams XD).

So all in all, nowhere near as bad as I feared! Loads better in fact n_n and then when i came online this morning, quite a few people had left me happy birthday messages- the majority of them were my net friends, but a couple were from people I know in real life as well, but who cares about that, it was just nice to see them :)

I was going to do stuff today <.< but instead I slept in and I've been lounging in my pyjamas reading and listening to my CDs. I'll do more tomorrow, but I haven't had a proper lazy day for a bit, being as I've been getting up to go to Zak's tournaments and work etc. I'm also going to buy myself something on eBay today, as an extra birthday present to myself :3

Hoping Bear will come online soon, wanna chat with him, I feel content and I'd like a lil chat.

Well, thats all for now folks!

Beltane Birthday Bunny

(In Loving Memory of the Balloon)

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"The bass, the rock, the mic, the treble- I LIKE MY COFFEE BLACK JUST LIKE MY METAL!"

Apr. 14th, 2010 | 08:09 pm
location: Pink glittery straitjacket :3
mood: bouncy bouncy
music: Stone Sour, Mindless Self Induglence, The Offspring

^ "Shut Me Up" Mindless Self Indulgence.

*Crazy dancing and bopping*

Today has been sooooo much better than recently!

I ran a teensy bit late in getting ready to go and see Beaky, but thank the lord for trains, which are so much faster than stupid smelly buses :P I just managed to get on the 11:45 train and arrived at Portsmouth pretty much on 12, which was roughly when we were hoping to meet. I almost missed it because, despite the fact the queue ahead of me went down very quickly, the woman in front of me was asking lots of question about her ticket and the length of her journey, and I was horrified that she was still paying when my train rolled into the station!!! EEEK! I was just so relieved that I managed to get on in time that i forgot to put on my bracelets which I had just bundled into my bag to save time XD

I got off and met up with Becky and we walked up to Yates to have lunch. Bargain lunch- we were going for meal deals and 2-for-1 desserts and for the both of us, drinks including, it was less than £14! We had a good old natter and catch up and enjoyed our foods :3

We browsed in shops for a bit, especially in the fragrance department of Debenhams, where I managed to find the perfect birthday present for mum- one of her favourite perfumes, Georgio Beverly Hills, 90 ml, on sale, £19.95! I texted dad to make sure, but I was pretty certain i was onto a winner, and later dad told me that was a great bargain! It was and all, it was about half price, and also mum's 50ml bottle is getting a bit empty! Ok her birthday isn't for over a month, but I wanted to get it out the way, being as I'm also trying to sort out this photo thing too. We wandered about just smelling all the testers (including new summery versions of the Harajuku Lovers) and passing judgement on them :3 So yes, harmless fun.

We browsed about the shops for a bit, and walked down the street chatting when Becky noticed that we had been targeted by one of the dreaded surveyors! Drat! We were trying to edge away and he wasn't having none of it, and I was just thinking to myself "what crazy thing shall I do this time" when...oh god...I still kinda can't believe I did it...

I ran away screaming XD

I flung out my arms, screamed, sending off a pigeon fearfully, and got a few paces before breaking down in a massive fit of giggles. I simply couldn't breathe for a few moments XD I have no idea where this craziness has come from, it simply started with frustration one day a few years ago when I did the whole "I'm not listening la la la!" reaction simply because I wa so sick of having to look like a snobby monsters, having to rather bluntly turn them- its so hard to turn them down when they want you, and you end up having to be rude, and if you're a mug enough to get roped into their lectures (which has happened to me a lot) then they often treat you rudely for declining/refusing to donate to whatever cause. I'd rather think they thought I was a loon than rude, but to according to Becky, he seemed slightly bemused and just responded with "fair enough...". I don't seem to do the same thing twice, and I never actually plan out what I'm going to do next (with the exception of the Hellsing one, and was difficult to execute...) because its so random, I literally just DO it without really thinking...sometimes I have a moment where I think to myself "wouldn't it be funny if..." and suddenly I'm doing it (hence why the Hellsing one was hard, because I had to specifically think about that one).

I think at the back of my mind, I was remembering how Harry said he'd love to just start screaming insanely if one of them caught him, and I did a fake scream that end in a completely maniacal laugh and he said that my scream was loads better than what he had planned and that I ought to do it. I'm just glad I didn't do the "Joker" laugh because I think that would have been a tad much. I'm starting to think I'm going overboard, so I'll stick to the Hellsing line from now on XD Could be rather amusing as I often wear my long coat and dark glasses now :3

Anyway, after a bit, we went to Next. I've been seeing lots of things at the Next in Havant that have made me think "would Becky wear that?" and I so I was pushing her to try some stuff on, because sometimes I think she doesn't have the confidence to wear things she would like to (you know its true Beaky!). I allowed her to pick things for me being as I was being so bossy :P This I almost regret being as it meant I had to try on not only pretty flowery tops (kinda not me) but also the most ATROCIOUS pair of pale blue skinny jeans that looked like they'd been splashed with silver paint! XD They were so horrendous, but it was really fun trying on stuff. Becky found some stuff actually looked better than she would have thought, and I got to see how I'd look in pink and blue flowers XD I guess its more fun because we're not under pressure to buy anything or find anything, so even though the size 12 skinny jeans simply wouldn't do up even though they should have, for me at least, it wasn't a case of "Oh I look fat" because on one hand we were deliberately picking things we would never wear, and on the other, just trying things that were completely different! I thought it was fun (I hope you did too Beaky!) and it was a laugh. And also I very bossily made Beaky try on some kick flare jeans- we knew they wouldn't do up because they didn't have her size, but I'm convinced that flared jeans are a GODsend to us ladies with bodacious hips, because the flare balances out the hips and I thought it would be flattering. I think next time we do this, we should invite Zak along because he's our Gok Wan! (It's all about the confidence! :P)

Afterwards we went to Whetherspoons for a lil drink and yet more chat. It was really nice, I don't get to talk like this at work, or with Kyle (I think his lil head would simply explode!) and so I really enjoyed the talk, from talking about serious issues like the upcoming election (with which we do have conflicting opinions so we seemed to leave that after a bit) or disagreeing with our parents views (we both feel our fathers are rather bigoted, as much as we love them) to silly things like our plans to make our own photographic production like The Story of the Cupacke, which will also star Hippo, Beaky's beloved hippo, and may well involve goth/girly makeovers XD

Best quote of the day is this:

Me: "I love trains now!"
Becky: "You're so annoying!" XD

(Because of how reluctant I've been in the past to do train trips, but there's plans for a Southampton trip now, and also we're probably going to come up with plans for a Brighton trip too! YAY!).

We parted ways at the train station, and I had about a 20 minute wait for my next train, which was a little nerve wracking. It was the longest I've spent on a platform, and I was starting to feel a little edgy and uncomfortable, so I sat on a bench (next to a friendly little staffy who apparently loves trains, so apparently I must endeavour to be like a dog! XD) and tried to ignore the people walking up and down on the white strip next to the edge >.< The fresh air was helpful, and whenever I felt tense, I distracted myself by looking at the clock on the top of the station. Its daft, but when I see that clock, or when I'm in the station in Havant, I end up thinking about Station Heights in Twilight Town, from Kindgom Hearts II. They actually sit beneath the clock on the tower above the station to eat ice cream, so it makes me think of that- Kingdom Hearts has such a good dose of sugar that it always makes me feel good, and the little homely feel of the Havant station also makes me think of it, so I don't feel too bad there. Portsmouth and Southsea is, unfortunately, filled with rumbly noises and screeches that set my nerves on edge.

Apparently, I still get nervous, which I think is very reasonable, given how scared I used to be, but once I'm on the train and destination-bound, I'm a very happy bunny, so I really do feel that the major had been conquered and I do feel proud. I'll be honest; I went through a time when I honestly didn't think I'd ever get round to sorting myself out about it. I would make excuses for not going on a train, and even though I did think it would be a good idea to try it someday, I really didn't feel ready. But I think committing myself to something like the EA gig meant I HAD to get used to the idea; to be honest, I think I was ready. Now I've done it, I feel like so many doors have opened for me; I can go anywhere I like, I can save money by training into Pompey instead of bussing, I can go to London, to Brighton, heck maybe one day to Whitby for WGW. I can travel and see new places and I can do it by myself and be free. I can now travel further for work. But also, I think the boost to my confidence has helped. I have felt somehow more confident over the last month in even little ways. I guess its the mentality of "oh, you're a little wary of doing this thing? Well guess what, you went to London on a TRAIN despite having a phobia of them..." So yeah! I'm very chuffed. And I will shut up about the trains now, because I'm sure everyone is bored of it and doesn't think it is a big deal XD But it is, and I'm pleased, so there :P

I got home literally just in time to help my folks bring in the shopping, and now I'm internetting :3 Not sure what I'm doing tomorrow, but I guess I'll see when tomorrow comes :)

So bai for now, my freaky darlins

Train Clock Bunny of the Crazy Pigeon Screams

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"I thought I knew you, my sweetest cyanide..."

Mar. 26th, 2010 | 09:02 pm
location: Teacup
mood: calm calm
music: Razorblade Kisses, Emilie Autumn, Cruxshadows

^ "Deadly Yours", Razorblade Kisses

Not the best lyricists in the world, but I have been listening to them tonight and its appropriate.

More Asylum drama *sigh*

I've been in 2 weird sort of situations at the moment...

On one hand, I've sort of fallen in love with Emilie Autumn again- the book is being reprinted, Mamstore have me on an update mailing thing so I can order it again as soon as its back in stock, and she's apparently about to start on a new album. I've been finding lots of really insightful interviews about her, and its making me really...intrigued. Some of the stuff I thought I knew about her seems to be just rumours that were spread about on Wikipedia (apparently, she tried to "clean up" her own Wikipedia page and people assumed it was a spammer! lol!). Some of the things she's been talking about just really sing to me. She's obviously a very deep and bright individual, and I'm loving her an as inspiration...this woman basically makes all her inner torment into songs, costumes, paintings and books...I want to be her, yet I know that I don't. The woman is messed up. She has suffered and its appalling that there is now a huge influx of new fans out there who just want to pretend they're fucked up crazy girls too- teenagers who, naturally, want to rebel and now assume that they are bi-polar. Most of them act like real sycophantic brats too. But I'm sort of ignoring them and just enjoying the art. I know I don't understand her fully...I feel like I have a glimmer of comprehension about the way she works, what makes her tick, and I want to read the book so I can find out more.

But. One the other hand. More and more loving fans are getting upset. I really thought things were improving. A suggestion topic was made (I particapted) and the mods and admins are now knuckling down and going through every suggestion. Because you know what, the members may want to blame the mods, but the mods are bound by rules and I see that everyone is unhappy, on both sides, and I feel...felt...genuinely positive and happy that something was being done! Its proof to me that the mods aren't monsters- something I do still believe- as they would have banned us all as some of the others keep anticipating. No, we're all going through it together. Then Emilie makes a statement herself regarding something that happened with her sponsor dropping her...relatively speaking, I didn't think it was the most aggressive comment she's ever made, but it seems to have rubbed all the discontented up the wrong way again. Whats bothering me most is that except for maybe one or two people, all the discontented are ignoring me when I ask whats going on, how can things change, yes this annoys me too, and suggestions. Its almost as if they are just on a spiral now to be all anti-asylum.

I don't honestly think EA has intended for this, or has intended for her fans to see her the way that the discontented have, but its rather upsetting for me. I feel like I'm falling in love with her all over again after seeing her live, but the drama and controversy is still continuing, and to be honest, I'd much rather pretend its not going on. But if she really is acting the way that they percieve it...well shes not being nice. Things is, you can try to defend her by saying "its her manic depression" and you're basically asking for an automatic banning, as this sounds offensive to the forum. Blaming someone's actions on their mental illness is considered grossly ignorant there...thing is...without BLAMING it...we can't pretend that these illnesses don't influence the way you do things. I think that its highly possible that while EA is very stable and healthy right now, she is having a "swing" which maybe causing her to come across in a way that is rubbing people up the wrong way if not downright offending them. But even saying that can be misconstrued as "did you forget your meds honey?" (Something that is highly offensive to everyone on the forum, even to me, and I'm not even medicated!).

I am not giving up the fun though- I love the music, I love the artist. I'm resolving to remain neutral. Nobody is happy, nobody is to blame, its all just a bunch of shit thats happening and its just getting messy, but I do still believe things can be fixed. I just hope it does, because I don't want to find myself in this "them or us" arguement. I'm not either them nor us, I'm me.

I guess it can be difficult if you (naturally) end up idolising an artist, especially if what they do really means something to you, but I suppose that really, at the end of the day (uggh chavviest sentence ever lol) that Emilie Autumn is a human, and a human who has to deal with a lot of problems in her life, and that to expect her to be a radiant shining beacon and example to everyone (especially considering her condition) is naive, and that she will do things that people won't like, and she will say things people will disagree with. I think if we can accept that, it maybe much easier for us to move on from this.

*sigh* you know, getting that off my chest has made me feel loads better. Its silly that the happenings of a forum can upset you so much, but some of these people I've actually met and the artist is someone i greatly admire, so I guess it just makes sense that sometimes you can feel disillusioned. But I think remaining neutral will do me best in the long run. I really can see both sides. I understand not everyone can be pleased, but heck, it doesn't mean that I have to pick a side.

Anyway, in other news...payday today. I'm feeling a teensy bit cheered up because I can justify buying myself stuff to cheer myself up with :P I need to start buying some of the summer things that I could actually do with (therefore less guilt!) and also, there are a few little things I'd like to treat myself to (but I'm going to deliberately spread them out :) ). I dyed my hair dark brown on Wednesday and I'm going to get a cut again soon, and I have my first Nightshift in 2 months coming up to look forward to. And while I was boring/depressing myself at work during my first (very slow) hour of the shift today, I came up with an idea. Job hunting is sometimes UTTERLY depressing, but after the last couple of knock downs, it doesnt change the fact that I need to get out there so tomorrow, I'm going to Gunwharf to job hunt...but not just that. I'm going to go by train :3 I've been itching to try it again (on my own!) since the 12th, heck, I've been battling this really mad urge just to fuck off to London on my own again for a day and do all the Americany tourist stuff like going to see Big Ben XD Its SO daft, but going to Islington that day without a real chaperone (Kyle had no clue where we were going, and we were mainly following Flo's lead, so it felt more like an expedition and company for comfort than anything) gave me this feeling of freedom. I can get away further now, I can go places and do things and I don't need to be looked after by my parents. If someone said "I really need you to go to Islington tomorrow, urgently" I'd be like "sure, I went there recently, I wouldn't get lost." And if they said "and I need you to go to (insert another place here but somewhere I haven't been, say Camden) after that" I'd be like "Sure, ok, that'll be my quest!" I feel so much more confident right now. I'm sure I'll be nervous when I step out onto the platform (fears don't disappear overnight!) but I'm gonna do it :3

Hahaha I'm such a dork XD Whining about a forum and getting excited about a piss-easy 20 minute train journey. Gotta love da bunny right?

Right, well I'm off to exercise! Nighty!

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