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"I thought I knew you, my sweetest cyanide..."

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Mar. 26th, 2010 | 09:02 pm
location: Teacup
mood: calm calm
music: Razorblade Kisses, Emilie Autumn, Cruxshadows

^ "Deadly Yours", Razorblade Kisses

Not the best lyricists in the world, but I have been listening to them tonight and its appropriate.

More Asylum drama *sigh*

I've been in 2 weird sort of situations at the moment...

On one hand, I've sort of fallen in love with Emilie Autumn again- the book is being reprinted, Mamstore have me on an update mailing thing so I can order it again as soon as its back in stock, and she's apparently about to start on a new album. I've been finding lots of really insightful interviews about her, and its making me really...intrigued. Some of the stuff I thought I knew about her seems to be just rumours that were spread about on Wikipedia (apparently, she tried to "clean up" her own Wikipedia page and people assumed it was a spammer! lol!). Some of the things she's been talking about just really sing to me. She's obviously a very deep and bright individual, and I'm loving her an as inspiration...this woman basically makes all her inner torment into songs, costumes, paintings and books...I want to be her, yet I know that I don't. The woman is messed up. She has suffered and its appalling that there is now a huge influx of new fans out there who just want to pretend they're fucked up crazy girls too- teenagers who, naturally, want to rebel and now assume that they are bi-polar. Most of them act like real sycophantic brats too. But I'm sort of ignoring them and just enjoying the art. I know I don't understand her fully...I feel like I have a glimmer of comprehension about the way she works, what makes her tick, and I want to read the book so I can find out more.

But. One the other hand. More and more loving fans are getting upset. I really thought things were improving. A suggestion topic was made (I particapted) and the mods and admins are now knuckling down and going through every suggestion. Because you know what, the members may want to blame the mods, but the mods are bound by rules and I see that everyone is unhappy, on both sides, and I feel...felt...genuinely positive and happy that something was being done! Its proof to me that the mods aren't monsters- something I do still believe- as they would have banned us all as some of the others keep anticipating. No, we're all going through it together. Then Emilie makes a statement herself regarding something that happened with her sponsor dropping her...relatively speaking, I didn't think it was the most aggressive comment she's ever made, but it seems to have rubbed all the discontented up the wrong way again. Whats bothering me most is that except for maybe one or two people, all the discontented are ignoring me when I ask whats going on, how can things change, yes this annoys me too, and suggestions. Its almost as if they are just on a spiral now to be all anti-asylum.

I don't honestly think EA has intended for this, or has intended for her fans to see her the way that the discontented have, but its rather upsetting for me. I feel like I'm falling in love with her all over again after seeing her live, but the drama and controversy is still continuing, and to be honest, I'd much rather pretend its not going on. But if she really is acting the way that they percieve it...well shes not being nice. Things is, you can try to defend her by saying "its her manic depression" and you're basically asking for an automatic banning, as this sounds offensive to the forum. Blaming someone's actions on their mental illness is considered grossly ignorant there...thing is...without BLAMING it...we can't pretend that these illnesses don't influence the way you do things. I think that its highly possible that while EA is very stable and healthy right now, she is having a "swing" which maybe causing her to come across in a way that is rubbing people up the wrong way if not downright offending them. But even saying that can be misconstrued as "did you forget your meds honey?" (Something that is highly offensive to everyone on the forum, even to me, and I'm not even medicated!).

I am not giving up the fun though- I love the music, I love the artist. I'm resolving to remain neutral. Nobody is happy, nobody is to blame, its all just a bunch of shit thats happening and its just getting messy, but I do still believe things can be fixed. I just hope it does, because I don't want to find myself in this "them or us" arguement. I'm not either them nor us, I'm me.

I guess it can be difficult if you (naturally) end up idolising an artist, especially if what they do really means something to you, but I suppose that really, at the end of the day (uggh chavviest sentence ever lol) that Emilie Autumn is a human, and a human who has to deal with a lot of problems in her life, and that to expect her to be a radiant shining beacon and example to everyone (especially considering her condition) is naive, and that she will do things that people won't like, and she will say things people will disagree with. I think if we can accept that, it maybe much easier for us to move on from this.

*sigh* you know, getting that off my chest has made me feel loads better. Its silly that the happenings of a forum can upset you so much, but some of these people I've actually met and the artist is someone i greatly admire, so I guess it just makes sense that sometimes you can feel disillusioned. But I think remaining neutral will do me best in the long run. I really can see both sides. I understand not everyone can be pleased, but heck, it doesn't mean that I have to pick a side.

Anyway, in other news...payday today. I'm feeling a teensy bit cheered up because I can justify buying myself stuff to cheer myself up with :P I need to start buying some of the summer things that I could actually do with (therefore less guilt!) and also, there are a few little things I'd like to treat myself to (but I'm going to deliberately spread them out :) ). I dyed my hair dark brown on Wednesday and I'm going to get a cut again soon, and I have my first Nightshift in 2 months coming up to look forward to. And while I was boring/depressing myself at work during my first (very slow) hour of the shift today, I came up with an idea. Job hunting is sometimes UTTERLY depressing, but after the last couple of knock downs, it doesnt change the fact that I need to get out there so tomorrow, I'm going to Gunwharf to job hunt...but not just that. I'm going to go by train :3 I've been itching to try it again (on my own!) since the 12th, heck, I've been battling this really mad urge just to fuck off to London on my own again for a day and do all the Americany tourist stuff like going to see Big Ben XD Its SO daft, but going to Islington that day without a real chaperone (Kyle had no clue where we were going, and we were mainly following Flo's lead, so it felt more like an expedition and company for comfort than anything) gave me this feeling of freedom. I can get away further now, I can go places and do things and I don't need to be looked after by my parents. If someone said "I really need you to go to Islington tomorrow, urgently" I'd be like "sure, I went there recently, I wouldn't get lost." And if they said "and I need you to go to (insert another place here but somewhere I haven't been, say Camden) after that" I'd be like "Sure, ok, that'll be my quest!" I feel so much more confident right now. I'm sure I'll be nervous when I step out onto the platform (fears don't disappear overnight!) but I'm gonna do it :3

Hahaha I'm such a dork XD Whining about a forum and getting excited about a piss-easy 20 minute train journey. Gotta love da bunny right?

Right, well I'm off to exercise! Nighty!

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