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I just don't know what to do...

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May. 31st, 2010 | 09:17 pm
mood: exhausted exhausted
music: Emilie Autumn and the Birthday Massacre

...about Zak.

On one hand, he does not deserve my sympathy, nor anyone else's. If his weekend has been "ruined" than he was the one who ruined it. And if he's in huge trouble, well, thats down to him again. So why do I care? Why am I so worried about him?

It all started on Saturday- Eurovision Day. Zak absolutely loves the Eurovision Song Contest, and had been saying all week that he was going to throw a sicky to get to watch it. He had tried booking the night off weeks and weeks ago, but they wouldn't let him, but because they've been fucking around with his wages yet AGAIN, he couldn't afford to take the night off. So he was gone all day, doing one of those dodgy double shifts were you're there for basically 11 hours but only get 1 hour for a break. Mum said that we would Sky+ the contest, do our regular game without him (where we rate the songs, take notes, and then pick our top 5) and then we he got home, we'd watch the results on Sky+, or maybe even watch the whole contest again with Zak if he wanted (I was willing to, because I just felt so bad for him).

So that's what we did. The three of us watched it. Then, hoping to avoid a petty argument between Zak and Dad, I took everyone's picks and hid them on my person so they couldn't be changed (because Zak always claims Dad cheats and copies him). Then we waited for him to come home. At first we were expecting him to be excited- he sent Dad a text saying he was "running" home from the train station as fast as he could.

But the minute he got in, he started effing and blinding at mum and dad and calling dad a fucking bastard etc. He claims that he asked Dad if maybe we could all watch it together, instead of having him left out. As he told me later, he felt left out because even though he got to watch the contest and results on Sky+, he didn't get to enjoy the "banter" and the chat we have when discussing the songs. I could understand feeling left out- so SO many times have I been left out of family affairs (fuck, I got left out of a fucking holiday!) but I felt he was overreacting a LOT. He was basically bullying mum and dad, swearing constantly, and insulting them. He even then whined to mum that everyone was making him out to be the "bad guy" when in fact, no one had said anything, we'd tried to ignore his ranting! Then because I guess he sees me as "neutral" he started ranting to me about what a fucking prick dad is and then threw his mobile phone across the room. It hit the wall so hard that it actually frightened me, and I'm surprised it didn't break. When he started throwing more stuff around, I told him to stop it.

I HATE having things thrown around me. Harry threw his lava lamp at the wall once and it scared me so much I started CRYING. Now, I know that the violence was being aimed at inanimate objects and not me, and that on both occassions, I was not the person who had caused the anger, but it is very upsetting to witness. Harry will never do it again. Zak did actually ask why it upset me, and I explained, and at the time he seemed ok with my explanation. However, it seems now that he's just as pissed off with ME for not liking his tantrum as he is with mum and dad for "ruining" Eurovision. I think he was also expecting this Eurovision to be a big happy one because next year he'll be in Oz, but how is it our fault?

Anyway, the next day, I didn't hear a word out of him. He was at work again (he still sat up on his own watching the entries), so I didn't see him till the evening. Today was his tennis tournament, and during the week, Zak asked me (rather excitedly) whether or not I was coming. I've been to 2 of them of them now, and took photos at the last one (which he liked) and so I was very game to watch him play. Tennis is very important to him, and I want to show my support for him, but unfortunately, he doesn't appreciate anything anyone does for him at all. He was still expecting me and Dad (and possibly mum) to be getting up early on a Bank Holiday Monday, still expecting Dad to drive him to Southampton, and still expecting us to be routing for him. He takes it for granted. Late last night, I was still up for going, although I suspected that things were still very frosty between him and dad. So as he was walking past me while I was watching a movie, I asked "You ready for tomorrow?"

He paused on the stairs, and then just carried on, ignoring me.

I said to dad, very angrily "He needs to fucking grow up!" He agreed. I said that I wasn't even sure if I wanted to go now. Apparently, he was pissed at me for just not liking his violent tantrum. I spent the rest of the night debating whether or not I should go. I don't like early starts at the best of times, and I didn't want to get up early, only to have a rotten time. I decided to set my alarm anyway and straightened my hair before bed so it would be one less thing to do in the morning. But I didn't sleep well. I had a dream we all had a massive row because of Zak. I woke up sometime BEFORE my alarm because mum's fucking mobile was in her handbag outside my room and woke me up. Then I heard Zak get up. So I got up.

I actually felt ill as well, so between the illness, getting woken up early, and the dream, I wasn't really keen on going. I told Zak I felt sick and I didn't know if I wanted to go, but left my camera with him, saying that it was set to Sport Mode if Dad wanted to use it. He ignored me. I figured he was upset that I was letting him down, so I got out of bed again, feeling really guilty, and said "Look Zak, if you want me to come, I'll come, but you have to let me know now, while I have enough time to get ready."

He just snapped "I don't care".

Well, it seemed to matter a lot to him earlier in the week. I wasn't doing this to spite him, I know how much it means to him, but he doesn't appreciate anything anyone does for him. Even after a good tournament, he spends the entire journey home bitching at dad about how he doesn't encourage him enough (he is in fact, very encouraging, whacking out bottles, towels and bananas, saying things like "calm down Zak/good one Zak" etc). Fuck, if he encourages TOO much, Zak says he's put him off. And then he grills the both of us on what his weaknesses were. This is where he turns on me- I don't know ANYTHING about tennis, so I can't tell him, sometimes I can see things like sloppy movements or whatever, but because I'm not a sportswoman, I can't tell him, and he cops at us, saying how can he get better if he doesn't know how to improve? This is on a GOOD day. Today was certain to be a bad day, as certain as it was that the sun will go down this evening. I didn't want to withold my support, I still wanted him to do well, but I also didn't think me and dad should be expected to be pillars of support when we were being treated so badly (especially Dad!) and that I had no desire to go to the tournament if it was just going to be awkward and unpleasant. So I went back to bed (after briefly telling dad).

Because of how guilty I felt, it took me AGES to get back to sleep, and I only got out of bed around noon. Funnily enough, as I got of bed to pull the curtains open, I saw dad's car outside. A second later, he had opened the front door. He came in and told me and mum that he'd left Zak in Southampton on his own. After his first game (which he lost), he muttered something sarcastically to dad about all the "great encouragement" he was recieving and dad said "Oh, so you've not spoken to me for the last 2 days, but you still expect me to cheer for you?" And Zak said "yeah." Dad decided that he obviously wasn't doing a very good job and that he wasn't needed and just left him there, leaving Zak to play 2 more games without any support, and to find his own way home. On one hand, I feel like "Good on you dad!" but on the other, I've been tense with anxiety all day, just waiting for Zak to come home and fucking explode.

He did not, surprisingly enough, which worries me even more!

He came home in the mid-afternoon. We've barely had a word out of him. When asked by dad how his games went, he just snapped "How do you think they went?" (I would have guessed he would have performed very poorly after Dad left, and perhaps even before, because when he's angry, he can no longer control his serve or anything else, and just goes crazy. If he begins to lose a match, he will often have a downward spiral where his game suffers because he's getting angry at himself for not being better. I imagine he was furious and couldn't control himself any longer).

He asked me "How long are you going to be on the computer" at some point this afternoon. He's not said another thing to me since.

When mum made pizza and served it up, he wouldn't join us at the table, and carried on watching some David Mitchell thing on the PC. When asked whether he wanted to eat at the PC, he just mumbled "Not hungry". (Zak is always hungry).

While we were eating his mobile phone started ringing, and he pressed it down (to stop it moving) and ignored it. After it rang a second time, he actually took the battery out of the phone. Not 30 seconds later, the home phone rang (but we never answer during dinner). Dad later did a 1471, and it was a Pompey number, in fact, he's almost certain it was the number for the Haha Bar. Zak told dad that he hadn't been able to get today off work when he first booked it, but was paying another colleague a tenner to do the shift for him. Either he didn't arrange it, or else that person stitched him up. I'm not sure, but I do remember him telling me during the week that he was going to swap shifts or something, and that including his days off, he ought to have had 6 days off. Which he now hasn't had.

I am so worried now that he'll get the sack for not turning up to work (and technically, he could have had time to go...I'm just hoping that maybe his manager was trying to rope him in or something, but I doubt it). Thing is, although its the last thing he deserves right now, he NEEDs that damn trip to Oz. Mum and Dad NEED him to take that damn trip. They need a break from him and his outrages. He needs to live on his own and support himself and learn some respect and the value of money etc. But if he loses his job, he won't have the money he needs. It could become our problem if he's made to stay here longer than expected.

But I'm also worried about his behaviour. He's still childishly angry at US, but I'm also scared that he's having a depressive episode. He makes quips about killing himself, and when he sleeps on the sofa (like he did after tea) or refuses to eat, then something's wrong. I'm really scared he's going to meltdown and just ruin himself. I mean, ok, there is the worry that he'll just be horrible to us as well, but I'm scared for HIM too. But why should I be? He's a horrible little boy who needs to grow up. He has to learn to treat our parents with respect, instead of telling them to their face that their bad parents (which they are not). I like how he seems to have grown closer to me, but I'm not immune to his tantrums by far, and I don't like to listen to him saying how horrible our parents aren't when they are not. They've done so much for us, even when I'm angry with them, I know deep down that they love us, and I never throw back in their faces things that happened in the past. Like mum's PND. One day she walked out of the house and Zak was only a little thing, and he cried and cried, thinking she would never come back. She did, a few hours later, after going home and crying to HER dad, but Zak seems to have never forgiven her for that abandonment. He was a mummy's boy back then, and in some ways still is, but he also seems to resent that. I've tried explaining to him that mum was very ill back then (fuck's sake, I was convinced she HATED me when I was a little girl, and I don't resent her for it, I understand now how poorly she was, and we're closer than ever!). His being more spoilt than me must have something to do with it, because instead of resenting my parents for the cock-ups they had, I've understood them and grown closer to them because of them.

So yeah, I really needed to get that off my chest, because I'm very worried now. Fuck. I just get over all my last bit of stress and Zak has to go and do this. I wish I could stop caring, but unfortunately, you can't just switch your heart off.

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