Ravens, Candlelight and Poison Ivy

Well this last week hasn't been so bad at all!

2009-10-02T10:19:29Z

Well, there have been a few hiccups, but generally things have been much better for the last week, and I'm hoping it keeps up.

On Friday picked up an application form for Tesco from the jobcente- it was the only place you could get them because its a bit of a tosspot system, and so was the form. I buggered it up because one of the questions was so stupid. I decided I would go in on Saturday, get a new one and just hand it in there, as this Friday (today) was supposed to be the closing date.

So I walk to there (made much longer by the gates in Havant college being locked so I got a bit stuck in the carpark and had to double back) only to find that they don't open on Saturdays anymore! I was so pissed off! I carried on and did a bit of essential shopping in Savers and bought something at Peacocks on the 40%, and even bought my own copy of the Japanese tour guide book I've been hogging from the library for so long XD Oh and I bought myself sushi for dinner (although it wasn't great quality and I had to douse it in vinegar to make it palatable :3). Sunday was kinda lazy, but on Monday I had a lieu day. I walk straight to the jobcentre only to find that Tesco changed their mind over the weekend and closed it then, so I wouldn't have got in anyway, and I copped a bit to be honest. I know for once this isn't the Jobcentre's fault, but I absolutely hate the place and the people who work there, I really do. I hate going there because it only ever ruins my mood and makes me angry, and I get treated like dirt by the people working there. I spent 9 months having to go there atleast twice a week, and it's soul-destroying; nobody wants to help the genuinely needful people, but the scumbags got special treatment. I've decided that if I HAVE to go again, I will do it first because at least I can cheer myself up by shopping afterwards XD I'd rather do that then swing there on the way home and have my good mood totally wrecked!

Didn't get loads done on Monday really...tried to but it didn't work right out. I got invited to go over Abbis the next evening so I went to Asda and got some booze, and also bought some bits and peices that I needed.

Tuesday was actually a really good day. The shift was nice, I had plenty to do and kept busy, everyone was in a good mood. Tiffany came in and let me hold Emmy, and she seemed sort of surprised that I was holding her right and bouncing her gently- she said "She seems pretty content with you Laura," and I replied "You sound surprised!" XD Shes absolutely tiny and so cute n_n I also got some 40% stuff- a new lovely cardigan came in on the delivery and I bought it straight away...its nice but its also smart n_n That evening I went to Abbi's with Eve, and Jake wouldn't sleep so we had to entertain the little tinker, although he spent a lot of time watching telly and rolling on the floor with his kitten Hope. We had a few drinks and a lot of chocolate and all spazzed out when we got attacked by craneflies, it was so funny XD

I had Wednesday off again, and I went to meet up with Becky. As I was waiting for her I tried a spot of jobhunting in Commercial road, and to be honest, it almost put a damper on my spirits, because it was just going nowhere! Zak has so much more luck than me. As I was waiting, a bunch of complete dorks walked through a crowd of pigeons that took off in my direction, so I yelled "THANKS RETARDS!" at them and they all looked meek and sheepish. Looking back I probably overreacted but my mood really stank at that point, and it vented my rage :3 I quickly perked up once Becky turned up, and we didn't stick around in Commercial Road for long. I don't know why but Gunwharf just seems nicer in general, so my mood improved greatly. We ate at Pizza Express as it was the last day for my voucher, and we enjoyed lunch, just having a good ole banter. We had a very amusing moment where we were drawn like moths to the flame that is Paper Chase and stood frozen in the doorway gasping at- in my case- very pretty new stationary and in Becky's case a bright pink 4 ft Christmas Tree. When I noticed the tree I gasped at it too! The guy at the counter called out "Its only £4!" but it must have looked so funny! XD

Becky stuck around for a bit but then she had to leave to meet Nathan so I stuck around for some more jobhunting. I was good, I didn't shop even a teeny bit! :3 I got rid of 9 of my 10 CVs. I got a few frosty responses so I started saying "please don't be put off my by my outfit, it's my day off" and it seemed to provoke warmer replies. I left loads, and even left one in a newish shop called Daniel Shoes that I only noticed because of the Harajuku Lovers shoes in the window! O.O It was not a cheap shop, thoses shoes were £89.99 ; _____ ; But I got chatting with the girl at the counter (who also didn't mind my clothes XD) and she told me that although she wasn't sure if there was a vacancy at the moment, she would take my CV anyway because she had a feeling something would come up (and lo and behold the very next morning on the Gunwharf website, it says they do XD). I would like to hear back from them, the girl was friendly, the shop was nice, and not huge, and I don't know...I just got a nice vibe off the place. I do hope staff get a discount though, them shoes is expensive! O.O

Work yesterday was ok but more boring than before. Mags at least was being nice, Kelly was being cute. At the end of my shift I checked my phone and there had been a missed call, so I phoned them back up and it was Wonderbra in Gunwharf who I gave my CV to yesterday. I ended up calling them back once I got home and spoke to the manager, and she asked if I'd like to come in for an interview! Tomorrow! WOO! Dad says he'll give me a lift and I think I'll wear my brand new cardi n____n

I'm excited, but I'm more pleased by the fact I have a response than anything- I'm not sure there will be enough hours, because I think it might have been only 16 hours, but hey, I might as well go along. Because I have so little time and the issue of hours is in the back of my mind, I'm really not nervous, I'm not panicking, just like with Laura Ashley. I guess I think on some level I'll end up having to turn it down if it goes well, because I need more money as it is, and I'd have less after travel expenses, but the main thing is I got a positive response :) Wish me luck anyway n___n

So today I have work (need to go get dressed shortly) and I'm buying the rest of my 40% stuff. I'm trying to decide whether I should buy these pyjama bottoms I don't need but like, and trying to resist the crazy urge to buy another cardigan- its not that I can't afford it, but I understand why I'm doing it- I like to spend time admiring and thinking about things BEFORE I buy them. At work I like to be able to admire them on display before buying them, whereas I put this by the minute it came out of the delivery XD I won't pretend that possibly having another one of these cardigans wouldn't be a bad idea- its really smart and practical, great for work, and if I do get another one, I might as well take advantage of the 40% (ends Sunday and we're not open then!), but will I just continue to be crazy and want ANOTHER one afterwards? O.o I can afford these things, but I'm just a bit mad ^^;; I must be, this is preying on my mind more than an important interview XD

But I'm happy. When silly shit like that is the extent of my worries, than I know things are going well :) Well I'll try and make up my mind tonight...ask my mum what she thinks :)

Well I best go get ready for work, bai for now, my freaky darlins!

Happy Cardigan Bunny
x

"We hide behind the Crimson Door while the Winter sings 'Your love will be the death of me'"

2009-09-24T17:30:29Z

^The Crimson Door, HIM

I didn't get an interview.

My job sucks.

But at least I have the right to wear sunscreen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfq_A8nXMsQ

"He say 'Pull over boy and get your ticket right'"

2009-07-12T16:27:45Z

(^ "Speed Demon", Michael Jackson)

I'm actually having some slight difficulty trying to remember last weekend....at least saturday last week anyway XD I can remember cleaning and ironing on Sunday last week, and Top Gear and exercise, and thats' it XD. Oh wait, I think I had a lazy saturday because I went to see Public enemies on the Friday before. That was pretty good actually, and surprisingly violent. I also bought myself a Terminator spin off book (which was pretty good), and then I found Moonwalker on DVD and I just had to buy it @_@ (it was only £7 but at least I've made my contribution to MJ's debts :P ).

Well the week has been ok. It was Kirsty's last day on Monday (feels like a million years ago now) and I gave her a card with a lucky black kitten on it, and she hugged me twice and said she'd miss me. I think I'll miss her too. I was handing out cards all day on Monday, I had an early birthday card for Tiffany, and a welcome back card for Laura too. I have to admit that on Monday Laura was annoying me a little, but by the end of the week, things felt like they were starting to get back into the old swing, like last summer. Things won't be quite right again of course- Sammy is gone, and Mags is even nastier and bitter than ever, and what's more, Tiffany who, for all her faults, is the chirpiest and most upbeat person, will be gone in 3 weeks, but things might just improve enough to make it feel worth while again.

I had Tuesday off, and was bitterly disappointed by the fact that it was on that day when the rain decided to pay us a visit, as I had been planning to go to the beach and if possible to the Blue Reef Aquarium, which I've promising to do this summer. Now, don't get me wrong- I'm not antisocial and I actually enjoy the company of others, but from sheer necessity, I am capable of entertaining myself, and going out on my own doesn't bother me, even if it's doing things that most people wouldn't do at all, like going to the cinema. If I'm honest, it must show I have some level of independence and security that maybe other, more independent people don't realise, because some people would never dare do it- whereas my dad's friends do, my uncle does, and my dad admits he would do it all the time if he had time to. Similarly, I'm not the sort of person who allows the weather to interrupt my plans. If it's raining on a day I want to go shopping, I take an umbrella, and try to stay in sheltered places. Sure the rain CAN suck (as it decided to teach me several times this week) but it's really not so bad (I think I must be one of the rare Brits who don't complain about the weather...I might comment on it, but I don't say daft things like "we've had no summer" just because we had a week's worth of rain after 2 months of decent weather XD).

However. Despite my not-minding about doing things on my own, and despite my nochalance about the weather, even I knew that it would be INCREDIBLY sad to sit on the beach on my own in the middle of a downpour XD

So that was cancelled, and I spent Tuesday faffing about, and watching Moonwalker, and trying not to cry. I love that movie, and I couldn't believe that it's actually 21 years old- I think Michael looked great back then, but the film was sort of good remastered quality so it didn't seem that old at all. The bit that really got me was after Michael turned into a spaceship and appeared to "go away" and the cute little girl Katie is wishing on a lucky star that "I wish he'd come back". I really choked up at that moment- soppy of me I know, but I really wished that it was as simple as wishing on a lucky star too ; _ ;

And then I watched the memorial show, and also managed to keep all my tears bottled up for quite some time. I keep hearing newspapers and cynical people describing as a macabre circus and really putting a negative spin on the more positive parts of the whole thing, and that's bothered me. I won't lie- the amount of loud black people who seemed to be raving about race issues in a slightly inappropriate way really did bother me. Even the women were bloody doing it, and it really annoyed me because I started to actually feel like I wasn't supposed to be listening because I'm white, and I felt like I was being shouted at rather than listening to people who were genuinely upset by Michael Jackson's death- of course not everyone was like that, but the only white person I saw giving a speech was Brooke Shields, and to be honest I think she was the most moving speaker apart from Jackson's actual family. Some people have accused her of sounding too "actressy" but anyone actually paying attention to her mannerisms could tell she was on the verge of absolutely breaking down in tears, and she only just made it out to the end of her speech, which was impressive in length, considering how emotional she was. I loved it when she said "So, what's with the glove?" XD

I don't think it was too circusy...I'm sure there was an element of wanting to entertain people who were watching, but I really got the impression that the majority of the people on the stage were really outpouring their emotions in tribute. I had tears rolling down when Brooke Shields and Jermaine Jackson were speaking, but I absolutely cried my eyes out after Paris Jackson spoke. Poor little "Blanket" looked like he had no idea what was going on though, probably just too young to get it at 7 years old.

People have been saying the kids shouldn't have been there, but to be honest, I think they had a right to be there. And Paris had a right to say what she wanted. People are criticising letting her speak, but I'm sure they would be equally disgruntled if somebody said she couldn't talk. I think that Paris and Prince are probably only just old enough to get what was going on, and it probably has only just hit them, and there's no easy way for them to carry on, but at the very least, when they were on the stage, they were surrounded by loved ones who embraced them and were feeling their pain. At least they had their aunts and uncles to hug them and let them cry, and I really thought that was great.

Well anyway, moving on...

I was working 9-1 on Wednesday and I was pretty groggy at first, but there were two upsides to this. First of all, it meant my shift finished before Mags' started, and also I had plenty of time in the afternoon to go to Asda and do some shopping, so it ended up as a fairly productive day. After my shift I went and said hi to Kyle, but I left wishing I could dash my own brains out. He told me he was going to get a new tattoo soon- Alucard's Hellsing sigil in fact. That was bad enough. I said "Are you sure you want to do that? It's very small and intricate, and it's nto exactly needle friendly." True- and anyone willing to do that for you, stay away from them, because a good tattooist wouldn't do something that intricate at a small scale because it will look shit and get faded. But it also annoyed me because before February, Kyle didn't even know what Hellsing was, he has only a couple of DVDs, whereas I have everything released in the UK, and he only had one manga (courtesy of ME) whereas I have all the english editions so far. Hate to sound elitist, but I've been a big Hellsing fan for 6 years and I'm still not 100% about getting a tattoo of it because I know how fads go- I was a major DBZ fan for 4 years and look at that now, I never read or watch it now. Also, it sound stupid, because I introduced Kyle to it, but I felt like "hey, that's MY thing, go get your own thing!" It's like, he's being an idiot, so I don't want him to like it XD It must be how Becky feels when she reads Twilight and then sees all the loud idiots who like it and broadcast it as stupidly as they can.

But then he told me this. He said he was going to have glow in the dark ink.

So I said "You're going to get cancer."

Now that's not for certain, but here's a few things I could find on glow-in-the-dark tattoos:
http://tattoo.about.com/cs/beginners/g/blglosglowtat.htm
http://www.zimbio.com/Tattoos/articles/165/Tattoos+Actually+Glow+Dark

Actually that link says more. Most of the website that are coming up are talking about halloween kid's temporary tattoos, but all the ones I find talking about UV ink etc all say that no good tattooist will touch it.

Here's another bad sign. One minute Kyle says glow in the dark, and the next minute he says black-light ink. Both have problems. The former contains phosphorous, a cancer-causing chemical, and is strengthened by radioctive materials to make the light better. Anyone willing to put this under their skin is an idiot. The black-light ink, sounds better, because it doesn't have that same sort of risk, but it's still shit. For one, it will only show up in a black light, it won't glow in the dark, and secondly, the chemical is almost always rejected by the person's body and it becomes aggravating. Oh, and these chemicals also can actually affect the pigment of your skin which looks very unpleasant.

Kyle says I scared him by telling him this, but the minute he learns that black-light ink has the less risk of cancer than phosphorous ink, he'll probably go for it, and it will be utterly pointless because it will only appear to glow under the black light, and will probably annoy him so much he'll want it laser-removed.

I swear though, I think I will stop talking to him if he goes through with this. I've just lost my patience with him. I've never been nasty to him, but he never listens to me, because lets face it, I don't go out and get my genitals sucked by strangers and so drunk I can't remember what happened, and I haven't even had a scratcher touch me with a dirty machine, so how I can know more about stuff than him? -_-

Anyway, I went home, and I got changed to go to Asda and then left. It was fairly warm, but it was spittling a little, so I took an umbrella. I needed to get some of my essentials, a baby present for Tiffany, and some vegetables. I was torn over these baby toys and ended up flagging down a random lady-with-baby to ask for a second opinion. It was a real toss up between a lovely little Pooh-bear comforter, or a a cuddly toy with attached teether. I was leaning toward the teether for practicality, but I also knew that Emmy won't be needing it until closer to Christmas. The lady suggested the comforter in the end, she said how they are actually more practical than you'd think. She said she presses her daughter's comforter against her while breast-feeding, and leaves "mum's scent" on it, which is comforting for the baby.

However, not 5 minutes after I left Asda, the heavens opened and I was caught right in the middle of it. It was actually quite scary- rush hour had just started, and I was walking on Hulbert Road, which was all interrupted by gas-works, so the footpath was closed on the side I tried to walk on, meaning I had to hop over to the otherside. But it was blowing a gale, throwing down sheets of rain, and the traffic was heavy, and it was quite scary getting across. I then almost got splashed by some utter dickward who ploughed needlessly through a puddle next to the pavement (I screamed blue murder at them, as pointless as it was). Also, my umbrella was useless. Because the wind was trying to whip it out of my hands, and the rain was coming in practically sideways, and because I had to stop to tie up my bags and dropped the umbrella for 3 seconds, my hair got all wet, and I was soaked from the waist down. My bag was a right mess and I had to move my phone before it got ruined. I was really mad by the time I got home. I normally don't mind too much getting caught in the rain, so it was really just unfortunate, but I was in a rotten mood by the time I got back.

I decided however, that after walking to and from Asda, I didn't need to exercise :P

The next day was a bit better. I had to get up early again because Laura Ashley invited me in for a recruitment day thing. I thought maybe it would be a good idea just to look into it anyway, despite the fact they don't want a mother and daughter working together, and I can't afford to be placed at a different store. It actually went really well- I wasn't nervous because I knew nothing would come of it, so it went brilliantly XD I had to do a math test, which I think I must have done well (WOW!) because the next day, mum told me that Rachel had thought I was "lovely" and would offer me a position if it wasn't for mum. I still don't know why the manager asked me there if she knew she couldn't give me a job, but I think that they just want me at the company. Problem is that the nearest store is Southsea- I would only get abother 16 hour contract and would need to put in 2 20 minute walks and a train journey to get to work, and I actually need MORE money right now. Oh well...on the upside, it was a real ego boost to hear that Rachel really liked me. Lucky git Zak though, he went job-hunting in Gunwharf the other day and was offered an interview for Calvin Klein only hours later. Why don't I get the same luck? I have a great CV and I interview well, I just have poor luck!

(Yet again, no exercise due to a walk to Havant and back :P)

Well anyway, Friday was ok, Laura really seemed to be getting settled in again and we had a laugh. After work, I needed to go to Asda...again! XD I haven't exercised much this week, but the walking is about 30-40 minutes worth, and I do 24-30 minutes worth of step exercises, so I think it's alright. Anyway, I needed to go again so I could get a few more things to put in Tiffany's gift bag, some booze for her BBQ on Saturday, and some toothpaste because I couldn't find the brand I use the other day. Oh and also, I wanted to get the first volume of the new Night World re-publications. Night World was a book series I was into when I was about 14, which were how Twilight could have been if it had been researched properly and written properly :3 It doesn't lack teen appeal and has romance, but the ideas are much better, giving ideas explaining vampire need for blood (they give the suggestion that vampire blood can't carry oxygen, hence why the need to feed on creatures that have haemoglobin), and that wood is poisonous to them (a vampire girl has just had a wooden gate whack her shin and it is fucking caning her XD ). There was about 9 books that were published altogether, although I wonder if there were more, but I only read 4 of them from the library. Well, they've re-published them, as 3 stories in 3 volumes. I have to say, not the most brilliant writing in the world, but enjoyable, and a damn-sight easier to read than Anne Rice.

Anyway I got those things. Because Tiffany has been a reals sweetheart lately (she gave me a blueberry muffin on Friday XD) I decided to get that teether toy as well, even if Emmy won't use it for a few months, and I put a bag of sweets in there for her as well (I tend to do that, I gave Gail Foxes and Laura Oreos). I also got a bottle of smirnoff ice for the BBQ too. Tasha was finishing work right around the time i finished, so we walked part way together and just stood chatting about Michael Jackson for a bit before we had to part ways.

Saturday was great. Well, the weather wasn't, which is a real kick in the teeth because the weather is bright andd breezy today, so it is a bit of a shame, but despite that, Tiffany's BBQ had a very good turn out. I decided not to go in shorts in the end (good call <.<) and just went in a skirt, boots and striped tights. I managed to find their flat ok, and Tiffany and Gary were being perfect hosts. I didn't intend to drink much, but I had two very large cupfuls of my smirnoff, and a glass of wine and lemonade, and a coke-and-pear-cider concoction. Yes, I know what you're thinking. We'll I was drinking some diet coke, and I said outloud "now I remember why I don't drink diet coke anymore", so Kelly poured some of her Bulmer's into it XD I sniffed it (beery smell) and sipped it fully expecting it to be disgusting, but it was actually...alright. Not nice, but not horrible either, and it was just ok enough for me to finish the whole cup, albiet slowly XD

I was a bit lonely at first. The only people I knew were Tiffany's mum, and Tiffany and Gary themselves. It was a bit awkward, because everyone was a bit chavvy, so I was mainly talking to the "grown ups", the older relatives really at first. I soon learned that Tiffany's mum and aunt were horrible after a few drinks and kept away from them, but another aunt was a real sweetheart and was smelling my perfume and admiring my (then intact) makeup. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of trying to be social and friendly with an utterly awkward and rather rude man who I still don't know. He and I exchanged a few words, so I reached over to shake hands, saying "I'm Laura, by the way, I work with Tiffany," to which he DIDN'T respond by telling me his name and his relation to either Tiffany or Gary. Call me old-fashioned, but that must be terribly rude? I avoided him after that, I know its easy to feel a bit shy and lost at a gathering where you don't know anyone- I felt that way myself- but everyone was otherwise generally really nice and you have to make the effort!

But yes, I ended up chatting to a few friendly ladies, and it was all fine. Talking about Kill Hannah to one of Gary's slightly drunk mates, talking about tattoos to one of Tiffany's friends who I recognised, and when Kelly and Janine turned up, it was fine. Janine was on good behaviour, so we all had fun, I must say, if she keeps it up, I may have to take back everything I've said about her! She wasn't feeling well, so she left around 6:30, but I stayed till 9, and Kelly stayed later.

The food was pretty good. They had two BBQs out, one for burgers and things, and another that was sort of steam-roasting a big pork chop, leg of lamb and a whole fish with lemon slices in it, and it was absolutely LOVELY! Gary and Tiffany certainly know how to cook! And despite being under the influence throughout the day, Gary was in host mode throughout- when I wanted some of the pork he was cutting it up for me and making sure I got some of the crackling (hmmmm!!!) and being a real gentlemen around me (I think he knows I'm not like some of the loud chavvy types). Tiffany was running back and forth trying to mingle with everyone, and it was really nice.

Around 5:30 or 6 things got just a tad crazy when people were threatening to shove each other in the pool. Gary and Tilly live in a flat but there is a huge balcony and there was a 12 foot inflatable pool up, but of course, for the most part, everyone was huddled under the huge umbrellas to keep out of the rain. But after witnessing one of the nasty crazy aunts and her son pushing each other into it, Gary changed into swim shorts and persuaded his and Tilly's dad to chuck him in! He then climbed onto the slightly-higher nearby roof of a shop (about 3 or 4 foot higher than the floor we were on) and took a running jump into the pool. It then became a game of shoving people who stood too close in, so those of us not interested merely stood away. Tilly's mum though, with a few drinks on her, thought it was be a clever idea to follow Gary about so he chucked her in, fully-dressed, not realising she had a phone in her pocket <.< She was pretty pissy afterwards, but she seemed to take it out on Kelly. Kelly knocked on the bathroom door and said "is anyone in there?" only to have Tilly's mum snap "YES, MY SON IN LAW, HAVE SOME RESPECT!!!" O.o But after she left, everyone seemed to relax more.

It was a bit friendlier without her, and we all were really enjoying ourselves. Tiffany was taking photos (I probably look a real mess, I ended up losing my umbrella somewhere XD ) and she gave all the girlies some chocolate XD (mine was devoured within a minute lol). I was momentarily unintentionally insulting by an otherwise nice guy who said that I wasn't a "really serious goth" because I wasn't wearing corpse paint, but when I described my corset and pvc skirt, he was like "thats cool, why didn't you wear that today?" XD Gary was getting out frozen bottles of Mickey Finns, all three colours, and offering shots to everyone, and then asked me if I wanted on. I said "Oh I don't know, I've never had it. My brother drinks it, but I don't know what its like," and he said "Oh its really nice and fruity, a bit sour, but thats why I put them in the freezer, takes some of the sourness out." I tried a red one and I was like WOO MY FIRST SHOT EVA! XD Everyone could have teased me but instead they were really nice and were like YAY! XD

I had to go shortly after, and Tiffany gave me a big hug and a kiss on a cheek. Gary then also gave me a hug and said "Thank you for coming Laura, the both of us really appreciate you being here" which was really sweet and then he kissed me on the cheek too. Then he said "Come on girl, you have to have another shot before you go" and Tiffany said "Ooh let me get a photo, that was her first every shot Gary!" XD so by later on today, there will be a photo of me on facebook downing a bright green liquid XD Dad later joked that it was "disgusting" that it's taken me 22 years to get to my first shot, so I kicked him :P

I had a pleasant evening just watching TV and doing some doodles. I have a new sketchbook but I wasn't really feeling any new work (also my joints felt stiff from being out in the rain) so I just played around with finishing off half-done doodles in my last sketchbook, including attempting to colour a photo of a maiko without having any idea of how to do the patterns on her kimono and the flowers in her hair XD It still looks good so far.

Mum bought me a cushion from Laura Ashley today. It doesn't entirely go with my others (which are black and purple mostly) as it's red and cream with an image of an oriental woman on it, but it's soft and pretty, so I'll find use for it :) Today I'm mostly being lazy although I will clean my room, do my sheets and iron later. I will also exercise XD

This week is looking set to be a nice one. Work on Monday and Tuesday, and then a day off Wednesday, when I will be going to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince :) I may also pop into town and see if I can find a new work blouse as one of mine now needs to be chucked, having a disgustingly noticeable white deodorant mark ("little black dress safe" my arse -_-, even the tank tops I only bought a month or so ago are beginning to look discoloured!). I'm hoping to find time to speak to the tattooist in Excalibur soon actually, and talk about flash work and get advice.

Have work on Thursday again and then I have a lieu day on Friday. I'm considering the beach for that day if the weather holds up, but I suppose we'll just have to wait and see.

Well, I'm gonna get going. See you laters ;)

Mickey Finns Drinkin' Bunny
x

(Edit: I have made soooo many typos today, sowwy ; _ ; )

Michael Jackson- RIP

2009-07-02T19:42:13Z

Sooo this is going to be one of those slightly soppy public entries I write, in some hope someone like-minded on the wide-wide interweb will read it also. I haven't done an entry like this since the death of Steve Irwin almost 3 years ago, but here goes. Skip this if you're just not interested, it's not going to be your cup of tea.

It's been a week, a week since Michael Jackson died, and I can't overdramatise and say the whole world has changed because it really hasn't, not for most of us. Those of us who were fans of his are saddened, but our lives have not been affected. We can still take that CD down from the shelf and play it as if he was really still with us. I've heard some people being slightly hysterical, saying how they are devastated. I think the only people who's lives have actually changed are those of his close friends and family. I hope that they can all move through this difficult time and come through as easily as possible...although of course, losing a loved one is never easy.

Yet somehow, there is something still sort of...wrong now that Michael is gone. I've been trying hard to think about it. My normal day-to-day life has, as I mentioned before, not changed at all. On Friday I blared out History and wore a black arm-band, but nothing was different otherwise. I've still gotten up, gone to work, gone out for fun, gone shopping etc, just like normal. So what is it that has really bothered us, those of us who feel a sort of strange emptiness now, even though MJ was never around us before?

I've listened to one friend, who incidentally lost his mother when he was only a teenager, and he feels that the deaths of celebrities are always way overhyped, drawn out in the media and people are overly hysterical about that. I can't really argue with that. He also said he felt that feeling sad for the death of someone you never met was wrong, but this I do not agree with. I DO feel sad.

It's not a well known fact, but I am a pretty big Michael Jackson fan, and he was the only singer I liked as a child. I first really to know who he was at about age 3 or 4 (I think) when I saw Moonwalker. I saw him crashing up the fairground in the video for "Leave Me Alone" (a favourite song of mine btw), and asked my parents "why is that lady breaking the funfair?" XD Since then, I loved him. When I was a kid, I KNEW Michael Jackson could turn into a car or a robot, and I knew that he had a lucky star. Nowadays, I hope he has a lucky star.

I won't pretend that I was a devout fan all my life- your tastes change as you grow older after all- but I sort of came back to Michael in my late teens, and was pleased that my younger brother was also continuing the fandom. Anyone could be a Michael Jackson fan- his music is timeless. Billie Jean is still frequently played at my shop for instance. Anyone, young or old, black or white, male or female can be an MJ fan. He really was a man of great talents. I've heard some completely ignorant people (mostly younger than myself, and at 22, you can't really accuse me of being old) saying "his music wasn't that good anyway" or even "his music was shit!" and I'm glad to realise that these people are very much in the minority! I have younger friends who were in tears on Thursday night last week, weeping, as I was, for the death of the "King of Pop". I know that even in death, his music will continue to be popular for generations. There aren't that many artists who will be able to boast that.

I'm sure some people- a fair amount of people even- really aren't that bothered. Fair enough. This message isn't for you guys. I'm not even going to bad-mouth the people who didn't like Michael Jackson for whatever reason...this isn't for you. This is for the fellow fans like me, who feel sad by this. This is my tribute. This is my totally cheesy, cliche and lousy tribute, but it's the best I can do, and dammit, I'm sure MJ wouldn't have minded, so I'm gonna do it anyway :3

Just a few related thoughts; on the child abuse allegations, I really don't believe that Michael was a paedophile. I spent a long time really wondering, and really...confused, inside. It was something of an inward conflict- afterall, he was a musical genius, but on the other, no one can allow such abuse. People turned on Gary Glitter, too rightly. I followed the trials on TV, I heard the evidence...I think that MJ was messed up, but I really don't think he was a paedpphile. There would be no point in denying his odd behaviour- I do believe that maybe he did have sleep-overs with kids, and maybe he behaved inappropriately in that sense, but not in a sexual way.

On his weird behaviour, well, I can hardly be judgemental toward an eccentric when I myself am something of a nutcase...here...posting up all my thoughts and feeling toward a pop star on live journal <.< no, no, I love weird and wonderful, and I think of Michael Jackson as weird and wonderful. Even if he DID sleep in an oxygen tent, so what? Whacky, yes, but when you take into consideration the things Michael endured as a youngster, it only makes sense he'd come out all messed up. I'm torn between feeling sad for him in the sense that yes, he was a totally tragic figure, pushed to the brink and under so much physical and mental stress, and quite probably killed by misused prescription medication, but I also saw the whacky side of him as something...not bad...I've never viewed eccentricity as a negative thing. When you see pictures of just days beforehand, doing rehearsals and looking undoubtedly like a determined and relatively fit 50-year-old, on the brink of the biggest comeback EVER....it just makes the fact he was dead just days later even more painful and tragic. I'd like to think that no matter how happy or unhappy Michael Jackson was, that he would still have been weird and wonderful.

On the media's reaction...well, I wish I had seen the BBC presenter who supposedly choked up on air on the late night broadcast, when announcing the news. Because it would have been one of the few times on TV that I saw someone expressing their true feelings about the situation without wanting to get their name into the spotlight at the same time. Yuri Geller is one such person who consistently gets on my nerves as he seems to have procured as many interviews as he can...but on the upside, some of the things I've heard him say have made me feel quite...glad in a way. He claims that he put MJ in a hypnotic trance and unethically asked him if he had touched any of those kids, to which MJ said no, while deep in trance. It's apparently totally unethical to do this, but at the same time, it must have been really good validation to him. I know Geller is an attention-seeking twat, but at the same time, I think I believe him when he said that. Also, Phillip and Fern were interviewing a guy on This Morning...now unfortunately his name escapes me, but he is a celebrity of somesort here (I think he's in theatre) and has been consistent friends with Michael for decades, and the things he said were actually wonderful to hear. He was saying how the reason why Michael's children had their faces covered in public was so that they could go out without their father without being recognised, and this guy said he had taken the kids to the cinema or whatever on numerous occasions with his own children. So on one hand, I've been glad to watch some of this media coverage, because you got to see the real guy who died, not some not-quite-from-this-world icon that nobody truly knew. In a way, the fact a real man has died sort of gives validation and made it feel acceptable to me to feel sad.

But I am also a bit wound up by the way people are jumping on this like the "newest hottest news" rather than the tragedy that it is. I may have been young at the time, but I don't believe that everyone acted like it was sort of trendy to have Princess Diana memorobilia when she died. I hope that the people who have rushed out to buy Michael's CDS and made the shops run out are people who are thinking "Crap...I've missed out on something amazing!" and gone to get the CD, rather than people thinking "everyone is playing Michael Jackson right now, I better get the CD so I'm up to date with everyone."

Actually...people...just keep buying the CDs. You'll wipe out Michael's debts in no time, and you'll be listening to some fantastic music!

Well, I don't really have much more to add. To people who decided to endure reading this post, well thanks for sticking with it, even though it is silly waffle, I just felt that I ought to do this, even if no one ever reads this. I'm not distraught, I'm not devastated, I'm not bowled over with grief, but I am sad, so I thought this might make me feel a bit better.

I think that the reason why some people are so affected as they are, is because they saw Michael Jackson in the way that some of us do see some celebrities- iconic, constant, immortal even. Unlike so many one-trick-ponies or talentless fucktards that always appear in the newspapers and magazines nowadays, Michael Jackson never disappeared from the limelight in a puff of smoke, and died a celebrity death. Even when on hiatus, or when he was just not writing or performing, the music was always there. His music is sort of ingrained now...you know that you almost definately heard a Jackson song on the radio or something leading up to BEFORE his death. The music has just always been around somehow, so he has too. Suddenly, that icon has died, and I think it had shaken some people, myself included. People like Michael Jackson are often elevated to a status in people's minds and hearts where they mistakenly and naively believe that they are in some way untouchable...so when they die, it IS shocking. It's not necessarily as painful as actually losing someone close to you, but it does upset people, and I think that this is a natural reaction- something in the world has changed, and change is scary, and it can bring home the fact that mortality is very real and we could all die at any moment. Having sad that, I do think that the world has lost something with Michael Jackson. I'm very grateful to have his legacy left behind, but this utterly unique and amazing man is gone now, and we will never see his like again.

I have only cried once, but I am still sad. But I hope Michael Jackson did find that lucky star in the end, and that his suffering is finally over. I hope somehow he knows how many people loved him and will miss him. And I hope his loved ones will somehow find the strength to make it through this.

Only one thing I can think of to say now. RIP Michael Jackson.

- Bunny
x

Dicky Tummy, but Delightful Daddy-Daughter Day

2009-06-20T17:32:06Z

I AM SO GLAD THE WEEKEND IS HERE!

This week has been so long and crappy! First all that crap with Janine on Monday...then Tuesday was ok, because I had loads of stuff to do and I totally rearranged Mag's bra stand, but it's been kinda crap otherwise. First of all, I'd like to know what the FUCK Mags has been doing every work day for months, because I needed to pull EVERYTHING off and redo it completely. It was good to have something to do for once, and Kirsty said I did a really good job, but at the back of my head, I was thinking "What exactly is it that keeps Mags 'super busy' for 3 hours out of 4 every delivery day?" The delivery only normally takes a couple of hours altogether.

There was no backlash, thank goodness, but I think it's partly down to Kirsty's presence- she wasn't supposed to be in on Tuesday originally, and I think Janine feels undermined by Kirsty- too bloody right- so she hasn't said anything at all.

Kirsty IS leaving soon, and Laura is coming back, and I'm not sure whether I'm happy about this or not. All the stuff that has been moved will no doubt be moved back Laura, and I just have this feeling that things will not move forward the way we were lead to believe when Kirsty first showed up. I'm not saying this because I dislike Laura, because things haven't been right since she left, but I just feel like that this pathetic little shop is stuck on repeat or something, and nothing ever changes.

Take yesterday. I ended up very annoyed with Kirsty because she asked me to completely redo Kelly's boxer-stand, which I did, and I did it exactly as she asked, and then nearly 2 hours after I started, she decided it wasn't actually what she wanted and redid it herself. She also left me alone on the shop floor for a whole hour, which i think was out of order. Everyone has been saying they don't like her much and I was thinking they were all mad until now. She didn't help me with ANY cleaning, and expected me to hoover with 5 minutes to close. In the end, I absolutely half-arsed everything- why should I fucking do everything just because she'd prefer to faff about in the office?

This said, I'm sure it wouldn't have been so bad if there had been another member of staff, and I still like Kirsty better as a person more than I do Janine. But it's like Cassie vs Laura all over again between them. Janine wrote up all the rotas for next month and a half, which has now all been changed (I am so unhappy with a 4-8 shift I've been given). Lots of stuff that Janine has done has been rearranged.

So yeah, it kinda started off ok in the sense I was being given jobs to do, but after all while, it all became dogsbody bullshit again. The stuff with the bra stand was good, because it really needed doing and no one has touched it since. But it's getting frustrating.

So I was absolutely chuffed to peices by the end of my shift yesterday. I needed to go to Asda to pick up some essentials, so even though dad was driving there anyway, I enjoyed a stroll there and back (no need for exercise on top of that that way). Oh but I must say, I am seeing more and more stupid drivers by the day. Twice while trying to cross zebra crossings in the Asda car-park, stupid bimbo girls about my own age just sped across, with their neanderthal jaws hanging open and gaping at me like "why is she, like, so annoyed that I, like, cut her off at the, like, zebra crossing?" Two different drivers, two different cars, yet still exactly the same. It's frightening how many morons are given the all clear to zoom around at high speed in metal death traps these days. I know myself I'd be a crap driver, so being a responsible human being, I don't drive. Like, simple!

Had a good evening- a little mindless chat with Harry (we were both a bit tired) and then some Criminal Minds.

Last night was rough though ; _ ; I went to bed sometime just before one, and I know I was teensy bit bloated before bed, but it didn't seem unusual and I went to sleep very quickly. However, around 3:20, I was woken up by very bad stomach pains. They didn't seem to know where they should be however- it was partly in the top of my stomach, but was also in the bottom of my abdomen, which is normally what happens if I need a poop or something. So I tried to poop with no luck, there simply wasn't anything to poop, and I tried to go back to sleep, but I guess moving around didn't help and I decided maybe I was going to be sick. It was 3:45 when I decided to sit in front of the toilet, hugging the rim and praying I wouldn't throw up...it was 4:48 when I went back to bed, finally much better. Nope, I didn't throw up, and yes, my body really couldn't make up its mind whether I was just having a gas problem or whether it was actually poorly. In fact, it meant I had to waste some more time lying upright against cushions to allow my body to get used to resting horizontally as lying like that immediately made me feel sick again.

I slept very well, having some crazy dreams about Slipknot in the meantime, and when I woke up, at first I felt absolutely fine. Apart from the fact that whenever I moved, my stomach felt stiff, as if all the muscles were stiff from cramps. But it hasn't quite gone away. It's mostly ok, but it does mean I can't tell if I feel sick or hungry very easily, and moving awkwardly makes it hurt, but for the most part I don't actually seem ill. Occassionally I burp or fart and then I feel a little better, so I'm guessing it's really messed up gas O.o

Luckily, it hasn't put a downer on our day, because me and Dad went through with our plans to hang out together in Gunwharf and go to the cinema. It was really nice, and we were giggling and being silly and having a good ole laugh, and strolled about a bit, pretending to want to kill childrens :3 Dad is just like me in the fact he doesn't like kids, and we were both moaning "oh shaaat up!" at kids who were crying and squinnying, and when we were queueing to get on the escalator, a little girl was hopping on ahead of us, and Dad mimed kicking the kid to make her get on XD Like I said, I guess that's where my maternal instinct, or lack thereof, comes from lol. I paid for our tickets, so dad insisted on buying my popcorn for me, which was nice :) We were discussing some other films we might want to see this summer- believe it or not, we're considering Transformers 2 because it looks good in the trailers, and I'm thinking Public Enemies might be good. We also talked about and saw the trailer for Surrogates, and we think that might be awesome :) We were having a laugh, and I was joking about that time in the Simpsons it flashes back to Homer seeing The Empire Strikes Back, and blabs the ending to the other cinema-goers queuing outside as they leave- "I couldn't believe that Darth Vader was actually Luke Skywalker's father!" lol

Yes, we did see Terminator Salvation. So that's 3 times for me now :3 I'll be good though, that will be my lot till I get it on DVD XD Dad really enjoyed it too which was good, and occassionally, he'd make a joke in my ear like:

Blair Williams: What's gonna happen to him?
Kate Connor: Disassembled
Dad: "NO! No disassemble Number 5!" XD

(That's a reference to the movie Short Circuit if nobody knows lol)

(Spoiler for the end of Terminator Salvation in the next paragraph so skip it if you don't want to know)

And he jumped at some of the bits too, so I know I'm not alone XD At the end, as we were leaving, there were people queuing up outside our screen, and we were saying we enjoyed it , and he said (only JUST out of earshot of the others) "yeah and I really liked how Marcus gave John Connor his heart right at the end!" =D I was absolutely creased up with laughter XD

It was a really nice day out, and we both had fun. We were saying how Zak and Mum had their girly gay day out last week, so it only makes sense we'd have "manly day" watching "man movies" XD I like some action films anyway so it doesn't bore me, but I suppose it helps a lot if you fancy the main character ;)

But yeah, it was a good day; I've been looking forward to it all week, so not only was it a treat for me to get out and have fun, after having one weekend day last week and no day off during the week, but I also got to spend some quality time with my dad. In the last month or so, we've gotten on so much better than before, and it's been really nice after all that time when we were arguing a lot. Ever since dad came and hugged me that night and said "we're not fighting!", things seemed to have been much better between us. I think on one hand, dad has been more sensitive towards me, and when he hasn't, I've had a thicker skin regarding his comments. I love my dad very much, and it's wonderful to know that we can still hang out and have a laugh :)

Only bad thing today has been my tummy, which seems to be improving slightly. Oh and worked tried calling me apparently, asking me to come in, and Dad was like "huh no!" It was actually mum who answered the phone, according to her (she's just come home) it sounded like a younger person so it was probably Janine, so screw her, she knew I wasn't free today. Mainly after the pain in the arse stuff that happened last time, but I wouldn't have gone anyway- for one, I've just worked last saturday, wasn't feeling hundred percent well this morning, and it WAS DADDY DAUGHTER DAY TODAY! =D Dad, bless him, offered to put it off, but I was like nuuuu its our day to have fun, the tummy can put up and shut up! A couple of ibuprofen and a short spell on the loo sorted it out anyway XD

I wore my brand new yellow cat shirt today too! :) I'm still a tad bloated but it looked pretty cool, especially with my velvet peddle pushers, and I think it looks sort of...ironically goth XD It's sooooo cool :3

I'm feeling quite perky despite the tummy, so I'm hoping to have a little fun tomorrow, doing what I don't know yet though XD On Wednesday I'm hoping to get my haircut (I better book that on Monday XD) and next weekend it's Becky's birthday day-out so I'm looking forward to that too (I'll wear my denim shorts for you Becky ;) ) Dad is now Becky's newest fan and is thinking of going to the Amy Studt support gig too (I'll make sure he doesn't mob you Becky!).

What else have I to do today? Nothing else, i think. I want to talk to Harry but I have to wait till Monday ; _ ; Oh I think I need to sort out my mp3 player XD Anyway, it's been a nice day and I just hope it keeps up =D

So until later my freaky darlin's, take care and have fun n_n

Daddy's Little Bunny :p
x

"Open Your Eyes"

2009-05-31T23:53:09Z

(The only line I can remember off the top of my head from "To Die For" from the Birthday Massacre, which is quite a nice cheerfuly song lol) ^

Yesterday was a good day! :)

First off after yesterdays LJ post, I bought those tops on Attitude >=D I know I know, chastise me later. Actually, it wasn't too expensive with the leftover monies from last month...

I then went into town to get the stuff I need for the month. Essentials basically. I have everything now, and although I can see myself needing another can of deodorant if this heat keeps up, I think I'm set for June now :) I also got some birthday cards as there are some upcoming this month (not getting one for Zak though :P ) and I was tempted to just buy random pretty ones with black cats and geisha on them because they looked nice XD (I didn't lol).

I also got some badly needed new colouring pencils from WHSmith. All mine were broken and naff, and were just snapping everytime I applied pressure, making it difficult to colour in artwork properly. I was a bit apprehensive, because they were a bit dearer than what I'd normally get (I'd normally just get your bog standard kids's ones) but they were artist-quality ones, and only £4.99, and I figured, that's cheaper than what Hobbycraft would sell me. Turns out they are LOVELY. I've been doing some work with faces and the like, and I found I could make this perfect skin tone by blending a pale pink and an ochre yellow. They blend very well, but also have very vibrant colours. So yes, I was very happy about that.

I looked in New Look, but the store in Havant is rather naff to be honest. It's like...lots of items, yes, but nothing I'd wear, and sure the shoe area is laid out perfectly, but the rest of the store is just sort of rubbish. AND I DIDN'T REALISE HAREM PANTS WERE ACTUALLY BEING SOLD OVER HERE, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A FASHION CRIME NIGHTMARE! ; ___ ; I'll look in our Leigh Park branch, who gave us the vouchers in the first place, they are a smaller store, but they tend to be laid out better (making it easier to find your way around) and they do have nice things.

I also bought some Witch Wipes for about a quid cheaper than normal in Savers (Asda has stopped selling Witch altogether O.o ) and was very pleased to pick up a bottle of mineral water for 19p XD It was a very hot day on saturday, but I enjoyed being out in the sun for a bit (although I was, of course, coated in factor 30 suncream :3 not a touch of a tan on me).

I came home and changed my top (very sweaty ; _ ; ) and then we went out with Danny for a dinner. Sadly, he left earlier because he had a "dicky tummy" and hadn't felt well all day, but we had a nice little dinner together, and a good laugh, and he seemed to like his present. He was flicking through the book and chuckling out loud which must be a good sign :P I will get Harry a copy of that haha...(That's Al Murray's "The Pub Landlord's Book of British Common Sense" btw.)

I must say, I was VERY pleased with the result of Britain's Got Talent. All week those semi finals were PISSING ME OFF big time. I mean, for one, it looked like it was being set up for that the judges' favourites would definately make it to the final- most of whom deserved to go anyway, but it meant a lot of really shit acts going through, and a lot of the really good acts being grouped together, making it harder for the best ones to go through ultimately. I HATE that little Holly girl...ok, hate may be strong, but I was very angry with the way everyone babied and pander to her on Friday. She threw a goddamn tantrum on stage when they first said she couldn't try again (and literally minutes beforehand, Amanda Holden had told the juggler that you only have 2 minutes and one opportunity to wow) but then they let her anyway? And then they all said she was "so brave" when she finally got through the song without fucking up. Um...no...a little girl fighting cancer is brave. A little girl having a bitch fit on live television because she wasn't allowed to bend the rules is just being a brat.

But it really goes to show, so many other kids go on that show and do just fine, and when they have to drop out, they all say "I had fun" or whatever- they'd like to win, but they're not being super competitive. And not all of them are older than her- look at little Connie from a few years back. All the other kids were much more mature, and I reckon that it was because they didn't have, ahem, pushy parents behind them. Just encouraging ones.

But yes, in the end I was pleased. To be honest, I didn't want to see Susan Boyle win. She's a fair singer, but people were making out she's super-talented just because it was unexpected. I will say though, she was certainly very gracious at the end, and I thought it was nice to see her that way. A lot of twats from "up north" have been saying things on Yahoo like "she didn't win because everyone down south hated her, they all ought to be ashamed of themselves". Actually, she only lost by 5%, Diversity were just more popular. So that's just being stupid and bitter. I'm glad that she wasn't stupid and bitter. Good on her.

For me personally, I couldn't really choose between Flawless and Diversity, I liked them both so much. I think Diversity truly deserved to win, but I'm glad that I didn't have to choose or anything! I suppose Flawless are more polished, and Diversity are more imaginative, but both are really dynamic and entertaining. I was so pleased when it turned out Diversity won, I didn't think they would. I actually yelled out YES when their name was called out. And for any body who was doubting them (and I've read comments online from people who do), that last performance is just proof of how good they are- if it was a singer who sang and got wobbly from emotion, then people would just saw "aww they're overcome", but being dancers, not even in that last performance could they afford to "wobble". They all composed themselves really well.

Hahah, I'm in love XD they rawk.

I read a Neil Gaiman short story today called "Snow, Glass, Apples" and it's really stayed with me O_O It's a perverse fairytale basically, a retelling, and that's so my thing, but it's really stuck with me, it's just so twisted XD In fact, a few minutes later, I found my creative flow working again, and I started this drawing:

http://chibi-black-rabbit.deviantart.com/art/The-Fatal-Bite-124352914
Inspired...well I'm starting to feel more creative all the time right now. I may not be writing too much but that start on the short story was promising, and I've done some nice coloured drawings over the last 24 hours or so, which means that the current sketchbook should look a whole lot better once full.

Well I'd better wrap this up, it's late...I hope I sleep better tonight, I slept so badly last night >.<

Night, my freaky darlins ;)

Dancing Snow Bunny
x

PS: I had a lemon meringue pie today. I is happy :3

Pray For This Bunny For She Is A Filthy Sinner...

2009-05-30T00:08:34Z

(Ornery boy is updating again yaaay!)

Ahem, anyway, I had an...episode of sorts today -_-

I was serving this lady, who I'm sure I've served before, and I thought she was just a snob at first (which is hilarious, because there's nothing sillier than a snob shopping in Peacocks :P), but apparently she was more than that.

She started what seemed at first, a totally normal conversation. She commented on my bunny necklace- the cute one that looks like a zombie or something. She said "So what's the meaning behind the rabbit necklace?" and I just said something like, oh I love bunnies, and a lot of people nickname me Bunny etc. She then said "I've noticed you're also wearing a pentagram." I didn't think that was unusual at first, a lot of people comment on it. I said something like "Oh yes, well, it holds a lot of deep meaning for me, I'm not a Wiccan, but I'm interested in it, and I know a lot about it." And what's when she said "Well, be careful."

I thought that was a bit odd, but I just assumed she was thinking "satanists", so I said "Oh there's nothing to worry about, it's actually a very nice religion" to which she interrupted me and said "Yes, I know about it, I don't talk about things that I don't know about." I instantly thought that was an odd thing to say because if someone DID open a bleeding book about Wicca, then they'd realise that there really is NOTHING to be worried about. While some of the practises and beliefs are a bit outlandish and bizarre, to me, it's no less strange in believing that a disappearing corpse is our lord and saviour, and pretending to eat his flesh and blood in sympathetic acts (Wiccan and Pagan rituals often involve a lot of similar sympathetic acts, but they sound much weirder simply because it doesn't necessarily involve bread and wine). Harry thinks that much of it just bollocks, but doesn't think it's harmful. So I continued, saying, "I know there are a lot of misconceptions about Wicca, but they're not true, it's nothing to worry about." Then to make the conversation more lighthearted, I added jokingly "A lot of Christians get it wrong sometimes, my boyfriend's family are Christian and I think they think I'm going to hell or something."

That was a joke of course.

But she said dead serious: "WEll YOU ARE, YOU KNOW."

*gobsmacked*

Seriously, I know some Christians can be pushy and preachy, but I have never been told that before, and it felt like a slap in the face. Sorry, but regardless of your faith and your belief, saying something like that is FUCKING RUDE, is it not?

I was absolutely shocked, and she just carried on saying "I'm a Christian, so I know what's I'm talking about" (Sorry to be potentially offensive here, but that's a stupid sentence if I've ever heard one!), and started saying stuff about how I'm putting myself in danger and that I can still be saved and that Jesus Christ loves me etc. She wasn't a crazy looking woman btw, she seemed a bit stylish and posh...so basically, one of those snobby "I'm better than you because I'm a Christian and being a Christian got me a great job" sort of people -_-

I actually said "You know what, thanks for the concern, but I don't care" and I sort of ended up trailing off because she was talking over me. I was really offended. I don't mind someone saying "bless you" or whatever, because I take it as a compliment in a way, but being told that you're going to go to HELL for WEARING a pagan symbol is just nasty. Keep in mind that I DID tell her that I'm NOT a Wiccan. And it just goes to show she really didn't know what she's talking about- Wicca is only one of a long line of other cultures and religions that have adopted the pentagram for various uses, including Christianity. In Arthurian legends, the pentagram represented the 5 virtues of a Knight, and for some time has also represented the 5 wounds of Christ. In fact, it has been much longer used as a Christian symbol then it has done as a Satanist symbol (reversed and including the addition of the head of Baphomet).

That's another thing about symbols...symbols can mean almost anything you want to put onto it. My pentagram represents the 5 elements of nature to me (earth wind water fire and spirit), but also has sentimental value, as I feel it's lucky and I got shortly before my grandfather's death. It was first used around 3000 BC in Mespotamian writings, and the Babylonians probably used it in an astrological context, representing the 5 planets. Don't get me started on the cross. The cross is not a uniquely Christian symbol either, and they probably nicked the concept from the Egyptian Ankh in the first place (which is the Key of Life, therefore eternal life...see the pattern?). The 4 lines have also been known to represent elements, so it's not all that different from the star.

But yeah tangent lol...

The funny thing was, while I was standing there fuming, thinking that I shouldn't have to put up with this bollocks at all, let alone at work, the customers were generally quite indignant about it! A few shared my view and even seemed slightly offended themselves, one saying "It's none of her fucking business!" XD I was actually quite amused by it.

I don't have a thing against individual Christians (although I don't agree with much of their beliefs and I dislike the organised institution of it), but that's a pretty shitty thing to do in my book.

Well in other news, VERY busy day at work today, made more money then usual, although we were so busy we didn't get time to clean XD Tomorrow I'm popping into town to get some wipes I couldnt get at Asda and also try and take advantage of a New Look voucher I was given...see if I can find some summery bits like camis. I'm also going to order those tops I wanted...I can afford it, so no one can make me feels bads *shifty glare* actually, one of them has gone out of stock, but is available on back order...i reckon I should order now anyway because when something is on back order, they don't charge you again for the postage if they had to ship things seperately (thank god), so although it maybe a little bit before I'm charged for the second thing, at least it won't cost extra! I keep thinking how cute it would look during the hot summer days with flip flops and shorts XD (and of course, I could wear it with skirts, jeans, etc...)

Other than that, not much else going on right now. We're probably going out for a late birthday treat for mum tomorrow, I hope Danny can come along too. He hasn't had his present yet ; _ ;

Anyhoo, I'm squinting as I type this because I'm not wearing glasses...imagine the typos...

Bai for now my Freaky Darlins...don't forget to pray for me!

Sinful Bunny of Dewm
x

Karma is real, and Karma will wait 6 years to give you biggest bitch slap of your life

2009-05-21T20:38:27Z

YESTERDAY WAS LUVERLY! n.n

Call me bratty, but I think I thoroughly deserved the niceness of yesterday. BUt I'm getting ahead of myself, must go in chronological order after all!

Well, Monday was a bit boring and naff, but I tried to make an effort, although Janine was winding me up. I really don't like her, and the more I work with her, the more I think she's really up herself. She was saying how Tuesday would be her third driver's test, because she keeps failing, and that she'd call the shop after she had passed (cocky) to tell everyone, and was saying "I can just imagine everyone running for the phone at the same time!" and I was like thinking "uh, NO" XD She seemed to think we ALL cared about it like it was a really big deal or something, so it was even more satisfying when she failed the next day >=D

I also had a bit of a "dad" moment, when she had the cheek to come up to me and ask "Would you like to donate some money to the Claire Pregnancy Fund?" and I just blurted out "Uh, NO!" without thinking XD It was so funny, but at the same time, she was really taken aback and it did seem rude, so to save face I said that I had wanted to get her my own present as I haven't got a lot of money and so on.

Thing was, I originally intending not to get her a present at all, but being as I had said this, AND Claire had been nice to me for the last few days, i thought "eh, maybe I can spare a fiver on a rattle" and had to walk to Asda on Monday evening just to get one. In the end, i got a little plushie tigger rattle, which Claire said the next day was very sweet. In fact the next day was my last day with Claire, hence why I needed to walk to Asda that night ^^;; it's not a really long walk, 30 minutes top either way, but the last part is really uphill, and I was expecting bad weather.

On the way back home, however, it was a pleasant, glowing dusk, and the birds were tweeting, and I was strolling along listening to my mp3 player, when Cornflake Girl started playing. I was sort of bobbing along to it at first, and then I heard the birds and it sounding like they were singing along, and I suddenly felt all floaty and happy. I suddenly decided that I didn't give a rats ass if I was walking through the poshest part of old Bedhampton or not, that I was going to dance on the pavement. Which I did XD I just felt all uplifted and happy, and I felt like, who cares if I feel crazy, I can't waste the moment!

Tuesday was ok, and Claire was very nice all day, and even gave me a hug when she left, which felt a bit weird, being as she's been the bane of my life for the past 8 months, but on the other hand, whats the point in holding a grudge now? I don't really think now that she intentionally meant to be nasty to anyone, and while I don't agree with using the pregnancy as an excuse, she does seem to be struggling with it. I wished her the best, and she promised to bring the baby for a visit when its born.

Janine was still a pain that day, even saying things like she HATES cats (and later, when me and Beaky were talking about it, we both agreed if people say things like "I hate (insert generally pleasant animal here)" then there's probably something wrong with them, and they don't tend to be very nice people. I mean, I know some people say prefer dogs over cats, but that doesn't mean those peopel HATE cats, does it? Beaky prefers dogs over cats, but she'd like a nice cat as much as anyone else (we both love the cat from Coraline! n____n ). So yeah, I may have to act amiably around Janine, but I really don't think we're ever going to be the bosom buddies that she seems to think she is with everyone.

We also met the new manager, Kirsty. She's got a lot of really good experience- working in Fatface and Animal and Debenhams in management positions, and was even headhunted for Animal, and shes back at work after taking time out to have a baby. She seems to be a real go-getter, and instead of feeling like "oh crap, I'm working in Leigh Park", she seems to be relishing the prospect of a challenge. On one hand, I felt a bit wary at first- she seems very by-the-book, and I wondered if maybe she could end up being a pain, but at the same time, she seems so NICE, that its hard not to be positive about it :) She was saying how she wants to have one to one interviews with everyone, and was saying how she wants everyone to be honest with each other if they have a problem etc...I think the best thing was when she said that she KNEW that being an enthusiastic person annoys other people sometimes. That seemed like a good sign to me, I'm not against enthusiasm, but when if you're feeling shit, and someone is bouncing around and being crazy like that, it can drive you mad, especially as they seem unaware of it. The fact she is aware of it says to me that she's used to working with people who sometimes feel like they need a gentle nudge in the right direction rather than a kick up the arse.

Well yesterday. Yesterday was a big day n_n

I got up and did a bunch of cleaning, although it was hard to do everything I wanted because Zak kept getting in the way. He was home the whole time I was, but didn't do a thing, not even the drying up that he's supposed to do, so of course I couldn't wash up. In the end, I left it there and went out.

First i went into Havant to do some things, include getting some gift vouchers for mum and danny, and some snacks for the cinema. I was a bit tight yesterday, but I think I managed to make the whole day go ok on no more than £23. I went on up to Commercial Road, and somehow managed to be 30 minutes early, because there was no traffic that time of the day XD Beaky was pretty much on time, so I didn't have to wait too long, and we set off for Gunwharf, stopping to say hello to the guinea pigs and bunnies on our way.

We were being cheap and smuggling food and drink in XD I don't mind paying for the popcorn once in a while, but it is pretty extortionate. We got into the screen and it was pretty empty, but yet again that seems a good thing, I hate squealing kids in cinemas lol...

I loved it as much as the first time, and Beaky liked it too, and we really giggled at all the cute funny parts (the cat poking her nose and then staring at her was great n___n) and then we discussed whether or not we thought Wybie was supposed to be black XD (Well his skin was one shade darker, his hair curly, and his similarly coloured grandmother had a deep-south accent even though it was like Oregon or something XD). It was so nice we could do something like this together n_n

We then went for some tea, and after a nice stroll near the seafront, picked Pizza Express so we could sit outside as we ate (and because I was being a cheapskate and only eating on £10 XD). It was a lovely evening too, it was nice and warm, but over the afternoon the breeze had calmed, and it was just cool and light. It was so nice, and we chatted over our pizzas and then our lovely ice creams (I don't regret it one bit!). We walked all the way back to North End, so I think we made up for it really!

My day was almost ruined however, not 15 minutes after I got home, by dad starting on me for not doing that washing up earlier on. I had a feeling it would come back to bite me in the ass. The other day, Dad has specifically said to me not to do the drying up for Zak, so what was I supposed to do? He isn't talking to me still, and just being a child, and so I couldn't make him do it. I told dad he was being really unfair, and he was just having a right go at me, until fortunately, mum actually backed me up and said that Zak probably WOULDN'T have listened to me, and Dad DID say that. I still had to have a cry on the phone to Harry. I felt like I was hated, and even told dad that.

I figure mum told him off, because dad came and apologised. He said that he didn't hate me (which I knew really, but I felt that way) and that in future, all I have to do is ask Zak because he's been told to help me out with stuff like that now, and he probably won't refuse now he's been told. He then gave me a hug, and when I said "I feel like we're fighting all the time now" and he said "Oh no, I'm just tired a lot." I think he really doesn't get how sensitive I am, despite having known me for 22 years -_-

Oh well, it blew over, which was the main thing, and didn't ruin everything in the end, but I still feel that my time at this house is drawing to a close.

I had a nice little silly talk with Harry this morning, and then I had work, and I have to say, it's been really nice, because Kirsty has been starting some changes already, so we were busy and the day went by sooo much quicker. I'm much happier like that.

Oh and in reference to the title XD I am cruel, but hey. I saw my ex's Chris Peter's Facebook status said "I'm lonely and utterly destroyed" or something to that affect, and although his relationship status hasn't changed, his girlfriend's name is gone, so I reckon she's dumped him! XD I couldn't resist making a karma comment on my own status, although I'm sure he'll never notice it. I don't give a toss about him anymore, I don't even like how he looks nowadays, he looks like a skinny rat, and that's pretty much what he is. It might have taken karma 6 years but it looks like he got a nice smack round the face XD Chris wasn't ever really the sort of person to say that sort of thing on a Facebook, so i reckon he really is feeling shit, and I'M SO GLAD, YOU FUCKER mwhaahahahaha XD Harry also found this very funny, and we giggled together, because we're ebil little devils and we're made for each other heeheehee!

Anyhow, I need to go, Zak's bitching about homework or something. Bai for now, my freaky darlins ;)

Happy Black Cat Bunny
x

The Bunny is now a Deviant!

2009-05-12T21:16:05Z

I'm now on Deviantart! n_n

http://chibi-black-rabbit.deviantart.com/

Hope you likeys ;)

Soooooooo laaaazzzzeeee....

2009-05-05T20:54:23Z

I felt like I can't be naffed with anything today.

And it feels guuuuud.

I couldn't be naffed with straightening all of my hair, so I just tied it back. That gave me time to read more of my new Neil Gaiman book instead. I love him so much. Everytime I read another one of his books, I feel like "what have I been missing all my life!?" I actually feel that I have been deprived of something so good. But now I have discovered it. It's wonderful.

I actually did bother working very hard at work today, as I had a lot of running around to do, but that was ok, because it was a quiet day and having the little odd jobs made it go by quicker. I even took the long way home because I needed to go to the shop. It's odd that I made that much effort when I've been feeling sooooo lazy today.

Part of me has been feeling arty. I'm wanting to do short stories and art and stuff. And I will in good time. But you know what? Today I can't be naffed n________n I'm going to enjoy this laziness for a little while longer.

Dammit I need to exercise tonight XD

I could always have the night off, but I won't, I'll just have a shorter run, and not have a day off this week. Yeah. That'll be ok.

But yeah. I guess I've stopped caring about the stoopid shit for a bit. Things are ok. I can deal. I feel relaxed. Just want to lounge around reading the very many books I have. Oh yeah, I took out 7 books from the library, bought another, and then got Angel Sanctuary 19 today as another birthday present. I know I can read more than one book on the go, but man, I think 9 is a bit of a challenge XD Ok, its more like 7 now...I finished Geisha of Gion and AS 19...

Lucifer is so hot. Damn you, Kaori Yuki, I'm going to hell because of you XD Why is the devil so smexy?

I actually have a mild headache. Maybe I'm slightly tired and thats why I feel so lazy?

*online window shopping* I want to buy stuuufffsss!

I'm just being incoherent and much crazier than normal, only in a different way. But hey, at least I'm in a good mood, eh, my freaky darlins? ;)

Ciao

Dozy Bunny
x

Feeling much, much better today...:)

2009-05-04T21:17:13Z

Sure I was back at work, but it was quiet, and it was just me, Kelly and Janine. Quiet, sorry, I mean dead. We took £350 today <.< it's actually a wonder that they're NOT closing us, but they obviously aren't being as all the CCTV cameras and flat screens have now been installed. Why they make us stay open all day on Bank Holidays I have no idea.

But it really wasn't that bad at all. Kelly and I had a laugh, and we were eating sweets, and later me and Janine had a really nice long natter about school, college and stuff like that. Its actually been a really nice day- sure its been uneventful and boring, but it's been so much more relaxing that it has been in days. I actually feel a little guilty that I wasn't as happy as I could have been on my birthday, being as certain people really DID make an effort for me.

Beaky for one. I mean, she had work until 3, and was supposed to be meeting with her friend Hannah around 5, but still found time to slot me, just for my birthday. I loved every minute of it (I really can't wait till the next time I can have a pitcher again hehehe!), and I loved the card and gift she got me, which were perfect and lovely, but also just feel glad I got to hang out with her for a bit for the first time in ages. Sure it wasn't for very long, but I feel glad that I got even just a few hours :)

And then Dad and Danny. Dad said to me yesterday "I'm sure Danny didn't mean to forget to get you a card or a present" and I was like pffft! he came out with us didn't he? I know how stressful this divorce is on him right now- just look back over what happened on saturday- and I know he hasn't got a huge amount of cash to throw around right now, but he made the effort to come out and have fun with us anyway, and he wasn't at all stingy on the drinks either. Danny is very close to our family, he was even saying that night that I'm his "little girl" in a way, because he was always my favourite uncle, not to mention I'm his twin's daughter and he has no kids himself. It's not about the presents or the cards, it just the effort and feeling behind it.

(So I'm not even going to start on Zak and Kyle, this is happy entry today :) )

I started my new Neil Gaiman book today, and like always, I feel inspired by him, and I'm feeling very creative. I have lots of new ideas, including some very good stuff for Becky's music merchandisey stuff we've been talking about, so I'm going to start doing sketches and notes to see if its an idea worth following through. I'm currently just waiting for Harry to get back to me.

I have only one thing that's bothering me right now, and its rather trivial, being as it's regarding a celebrity, and idol of mine, so it has no impact on my life, so I don't mind posting my thoughts here about it.

But its about Emilie Autumn. It was about this time last year that I first heard of her, and started getting into her music, and I have to say, I still love her stuff. Everytime I hear Opheliac, I still get this rather indescribable feeling, a mood even, just like when I first heard it. She's not the perfect singer, I'll admit, and some of her experiments and techniques aren't all to my taste, but I love her songs, and her expressions and her art in general.

Some months back, I did see something that did indicate to me that maybe Ms Autumn does have a diva-streak. She has very ornately decorated sets, going among themes of Victorian tea parties and insane asylums, and much of the props are handmade by herself. Well, she had a demented teddy bear on stage called Suffer, but he was stolen from a gig in Italy I think, can't remember. But Suffer was only the first of many of her little pieces to be stolen, and she became very angry about it. She actually addressed the audiences of her gigs on more than one occassion saying that no one was to take anything from her stage. Then one day, because the thefts had continued, she actually screamed at the audience "If I ever catch anyone stealing from my stage I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU!!!" She really lost it for a moment, and she seemed really emotional, and I have to admit that, watching that video, if I had been at that gig, I would have felt as if I were one of the accused or something. It was very uncomfortable to watch, but I also sort of sympathised- a lot of die-hard Emilie fans (or muffins as they call themselves) were horrified about the thefts, and understand that her props are all part of the artistic expression she's trying to create. I would also feel upset if it were me, but I can't pretend that her conduct wasn't bad. She did seem to compose herself pretty quickly, almost as if in realisation of how she was acting, so I did feel fairly sympathetic toward her.

I'm a member on her forum, and a little while back, one of the top moderators (who was also her sort of manager and close friend), Johnnie, a.k.a, Bunny, was sacked and had his account removed. A statement from Emilie said that he had been fired and that there was pending legal action. Immediately, nearly everyone on the forum assumed, rather blindly, that Johnnie must have wronged Emilie in some way, and she was suing him. It's caused quite a keruffle, as a new manager has had to replace his roles, cancelled gig refunds need to go to him, or some such thing, and I think he was involved quite heavily in the making of her upcoming book. Well, I decided to remain neutral while posting- I had never had a real problem with Johnnie on the forum (being as we're both "bunnies" after all), but some people were pleased to see the back of him. Also, as some people pointed out, we didn't know what was going on, especially this "legal action" thing.

Then somebody joined the forum and started spamming up the boards with the same message over and over, and if it's to be believed, then it seems that Emilie Autumn, the talented, tortured musician who many of these rather devoted muffins even refer to as "mistress" might not be a very nice person at all.

From what we can tell, this poster is a friend of Johnnie's and is angry with how Johnnie has been treated, and all these long posts all said the same thing- it was long so I can't remember everything in detail and it's been all deleted now (which does indicate to me that maybe some of it, if not all of it is true). But is says how Johnnie has always been a good friend to Emilie, and how she's turned on him, how she was angry with him for wanting to quit next year (to get married), how he was working very hard on trying to get her book published, but she was trying to go through some illegal routes, so he's actually suing her now! He was sacked before he came to that decision, from what I can tell, and she sacked him just because she was mad at him, even though, if this poster is to be believed, he has been a huge support to her and even let her live with him rent free at one point because she was broke.

I do hope it isn't true, yet at the same time, I can't help but believe it. It's a real shame, because I am quite a big fan of Emilie also, and I suppose its a bit of a come down and a disappointment when you realise your idols aren't the shining stars they are meant to be. Emilie DOES have serious problems admittedy- she's depressive, and was sexually molested as a child, and has various emotional and mental problems, but it sort of made her a champion for other gothy types with similar problems. I do feel disappointed...but I won't stop listening to and appreciating her music because of it. I guess I'm old enough now to be able to seperate the music and the artist in a way, I love her music and the stories behind it, but it doesn't mean I have to love her behaviour also. It's just a bit sad really.

But it's not bumming out, hence why it has been allowed in today's LJ post. I am a very happy and content bunny today, feeling very relaxed and at peace. Which is just ODD because Aunt Irma is visiting this week! XD I'm thinking I may treat myself to some new clothes- sounds daft but I haven't bought myself anything really special in a very long time, and I have been eyeing some crazy-cool tops on Attitude (Beaky I need your opinion on this crazy looking top with pink dots on it O.O ), and I'm not too tight for monies right now, which is ok.

Looking forward to friday, when I'm going to see Coraline. Beaky said she might come too, which would be awesome :) We don't always have the same taste in movies, but this really looks like something we could both enjoy, which would be awesome! Being as I was a moody poop last week, I'm going to try and think of this as a birthday treat :) And on wednesday I have the day off, so I may try and think of something fun to do, just to get me out of the house, because I think it will do me good. Sitting in the sun seems to have a good affect on me too. I would be tempted to go shopping in Portsmouth again, but with how little I found on my birthday, it seems a bit pointless XD Besides, we will probably go to a relatively early screening of Coraline on Friday, and I could always see about going to the shops afterwards (I think Beaky has work in the evening, lets me know Beaky!). That will mean only having to buy one bus ticket :)

Kim at work is gone, which is great, and Claire will be gone soon. I hope the new manager is a laugh. Kelly and I were saying today how the fun sort of died from the place after Laura and Sammy left...I won't pretend things were 100% perfect when they were around, but looking back even to last September, I was a lot happier then, and Kelly reckons everyone was. She was saying exactly what i was thinking, that Claire has sort of killed the friendly atmosphere, but its been much nicer since Janine joined us. It was nice in a way to realise I wasn't the only one who felt that way, it made me realise I'm not just going mad, and I'm not alone.

Bless Kelly, she got me a card too, but forgot to bring it in (she told me on Thursday).

Well i gtg, things to do and such. I haven't felt this good in a while, so I'm going to make the most of it. Goodnight my freaky darlins, hope you all have a nice night ;)

Happy Relaxed Sort Of Birthday/Beltane Bunny
x

Uggh...dilemma...

2009-04-16T21:07:11Z

Should I stay or should I go...lol

So tomorrow, I've been invited along to a small gig at Havant Arts Centre, the Fight or Die Gig, in which an old friend now plays, and a few other people I used to know, and I know a few people who are going, Kyle included (who basically invited me).

On one hand I feel like "Yeah, I haven't been out much lately. Tickets are less than £5, its local enough that I can just get a bus back or something, and it won't be too expensive."

But on the other, can I reall be arsed? A band I don't actually know, and could be a load of shite for all I know. Have to pay to get in. Would have to rush home from work to get ready in time,, rush into Havant after that, yadda yadda. I said earlier I probably would go, by now I feel like I may have to decline, and I feel a bit of a loser for it.

I mean, I had to turn down Beaky's gig tonight, mostly on the grounds that I would have had to have gotten a taxi both ways, which probably would have cost me the best part of £20. But at least at the Barn I know I would have definately enjoyed Beaky's set, although her style is not my preferred genre of music, and would have been sitting with some nice people I know too.

At this Fight or Die gig, not only is Sam confirmed as going (and we all know what a fuck-face he is, don't we, my freaky darlins?) but also probably a bunch of the old Original Club crowd (including Sam CB who everyone fawns over, but I can't stand because he's an arrogant nob), most of whom haven't matured at all since the age of 15, but are all too happy to make me feel like a silly little twat.

Sure Kyle is going, but he said he's going to be filming all night, and even if he does get free, Sam will probably follow him around like a lost loser puppy (not the cute kind, the kind you want to reverse your car over several times before burning the corpse and telling the police that it was rabid). And...I don't really like a bunch of those people anymore. They were so shallow and boring and...two-dimensional...I got bored of trying to be interested in their two-dimensional little lives. There is a chance that some of the actually cool and interesting people may go, but I won't know till I get there. And whats more, there's no way to tell if the tickets will be sold out or not on the door (Kyle hasn't even got one even though he's filming).

And that's another thing...Kyle. I can't shake the feeling that he's trying to work up to make a move on me. He even bought me in an Easter egg the other day, and he was saying how if I "ever need to talk" he'd always be there. Either I'm a terrible person for being suspicious of his motives, or I'm right on the ball for realising that his friendliness may have another purpose. I mean, the other day, when I told him about Claire being nasty about me and Harry (I of course, did NOT mention the part where she suggested I go out with Kyle), he didn't seem anywhere near as sympathetic as everyone else I told, who raised eyebrows or shook their heads or whatever. I made a note of noticing his reaction, and there was none. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it. But being as he was saying only a week beforehand that if I ever needed a talk, he'd be there, he didn't sound all too happy to be supportive of my 5-year-relationship to Harry. Also, when he walked me home the other day, I almost freaked out when he leaned towards me, and I swore for a moment he was going to kiss me...he ended up moving his head in such a way that it made it more like he was looking both ways for traffic, but he didn't need to cross the road.

I don't know, part of me feels like I'm possibly being super paranoid because of what Claire said the other day, but I still can't shake it (if I'm honest, the idea of him ditching Sam to walk with me isn't as bad as it sounds, because Sam is vermain :P). He even said he'd go with me to the Blue Reef Aquarium this summer, which sounds fun, but now I'm just constantly thinking "he knows we'd be going as buddies right?"

Uggh I dunno. I don't want to be the boring type who drops out of an opportunity for a potentially fun and nice night out, because I'm always declining the chance to go drinking (normally occurs around about the time I'm skint see), but I'm not sure whether it will even be worth going. And if I do go, I will have to tape Criminal Minds.

I loves my Criminal Minds. DR SPENCER REID IS THE CUTEST GENIUS EVAAA!

*ahem* Anyway, I have to make up my mind by tomorrow lunch time. Well, thats it for today, my freaky darlins, this was my most trivial problem to date, and I'm so glad it was so trivial XD

No worries...be happy...

Relaxed Bunny
x

Grrrrrrr!

2009-03-31T09:50:27Z

I'm not feeling so hot. I didn't sleep too good as it was kinda hot last night, and I keep getting nauseous, which can be a sympton of jet lag. occassionally I get muscle pains and headaches too. I really shouldn't have been called to work today, and I'm so pissed about it still. I'm not going to be doing anyone any fucking favours today. All I ever do is bend over backwards for the people there, and I'm so sick of it. Nobody ever does anything for me so why should I bother? I'm sure some people would think this is a bad attitude to have, but I've been a real team player up till now, and look where it's gotten me- passed up for extra hours and promotions, picked on by other staff and even managers, being fucked around whenever they feel like it...if I had known that working at Peacocks would make me this miserable and bitter, then I would have quit as soon as the next thing came along, but instead i kept with it. I'm due retribution! >.<

I'm glad I'm getting my regular wednesday off. I'm going to go to the Jobcentre tomorrow, look for vacancies, and also ask someone there about my rights if I decide to quit my job. Apparently you can quit your job for a perfectly good reason, but recieve less help than someone who got sacked for pilfering -_-

Harry was sympathetic last night. he said he was surprised I wasn't angrier actually, knowing me. He reckons I shouldn't quit just yet because (and he added here that he wasn't trying to defend Claire at all) theres always the possibility that Claire made an honest mistake- a still mind-numbingly STUPID mistake, but a mistake nontheless, and there's not much chance of me proving it was malice (I don't think it was malice, but she's so stupid that I can't stand working with her). He said I should wait and see if anything else goes wrong, but it has to be something worth quitting over, not something silly as he put it. I'll decide if the time comes. After all, if she keeps talking to me like shit, I can just put in a complaint about her (IF I EVER GET THROUGH TO HR!) and it would be silly just to quit at the drop of a hat because she made another snide comment...if anything I should just say something to her about it- not "losing my temper" something, but tell her she's been doing it for months and I'm not putting up with it anymore. If she tries to get me in trouble over it I'll quit because the job simply isn't worth being dragged through disciplinaries for.

I will leave. The first thing that presents itself, I will snatch at the opportunity. I won't um and ah like I did with the other job. I will just go. I've had it to the back teeth.

"He'll meet a blacker rabbit than himself one day"

2009-02-21T15:49:22Z

^Quote from Watership Down

Soooo, Thursday eh? It was my plan on thursday to go into town and treat myself and just get out and about, but I got an unexpected call, so I had to change my plans around. I didn't mention it before because I was trying to feel happy, but I was really annoyed by Abbi- I had texted her asking when I should bring Jacob's present, and she told me to take it to her nan's, which upset me because I wanted to give him the present myself and watch him open it. After a few days though, she finally got back to me, and invited me to go round hers to give Jake his present a few days early (its actually his birthday tomorrow).

Of course, sods law came into affect and Jake fell asleep 15 seconds before I rang the doorbell XD We had a chat and let him sleep for just under and hour, but it was getting close to 4 by then, and Abbi decided to wake him, otherwise he'd have trouble sleeping in the evening. It was very funny watching her gently rouse him...by picking his nose XD He relented, but, without a tear, eventually resigned to waking up and then stared at me for a bit. As a reward for waking him up, we gave him the present.

Now that was quite sweet. We had to start opening it for him, but he soon figured out there something inside, and he rather liked his music puppy! He giggled and carried it around, and sat it next to his singing lion, and then decided he would like to start yanking the glasses off my face XD I think Jake finds me interesting- I wear glasses, my fingernails are funny coloured, my hair is long and pullable, my socks are colourful and I have interesting chains and straps on my clothing that make me into a sort of climbing frame. He actually tried to climb up my trousers, so I picked him up without a thought and I thought...OMG I'M HOLDING A BABY, WHAT DO I DO!? XD Fortunately, Jake then decided that he'd rather walk, wiggled, so I put him down again lol.

There is now a picture of me (complete with a double chin >.<) on facebook, sitting with Jake. He seems to be looking at me with some scrutiny, and I'm smiling awkwardly, like...um...what do I do with him? XD I bet some people are going to find that a bit weird!

Oh I forgot to say, on wednesday, I did call Sue Smith from the library, and she invited me to have a little chat with her about becoming a librarian and job trends etc...she didn't sound very positive, if I'm going to be honest, she seemed to feel sorry for me and had a pitying tone to her voice...I was starting to get worried that she'd only give me bad news, but yesterday, I got up early and went to the library first thing to have a little chat with her, and even though I still got a real impression of pessisimism from her, I found it very helpful and informative :)

We sat down, and she was telling me that I was right so far in my research in that there are 2 ways to become a librarian. What she seemed to feel she needed to tell me was that it turns out there is currently very little room in public libraries for librarians anymore. That's not to say, as she went on, that there is no demand for librarians in other areas...law firms and the like need librarians- or essentially, information officers (they are the exact same thing), and the biggest employer of librarians in the local area is currently the MoD. However, as she explained what sort of role that all involved, it sounded very unappealing to me. Its not that I didn't understand that there would be cataloguing, computer work and the like in a public library, but I wouldn't want to be cataloguing law firm shit that I don't understand or have any interest in.

She however, then went on to talk about the day-to-day running of a library. Yes, cataloguing, records, finding information, ect, etc...but of course, you have a one-to-one thing going on with the public. You get to work with all books, of course. She then said that everyday is different- you have to be prepared to help the public with any random question they may come up with. When talking about that, she actually seemed the most positive I had seen her, and described a couple of circumstances where she had to help people find something so specific. That is actually what I would want to be doing- ok, there's the cataloguing, and the scanning books etc...but I would love to try and help people find something they need in a book. Now, I'm sure if people at work heard me saying that, they would say I was lying, that I don't help people enough at Peacocks. But when you have an idiot come up to you and say "do you have tops?" it makes you wanna bang your head on the counter.

As Sue was saying, with this example, you need to coax more and more information out of people. Ok, you want to find out about this person, well, what is this for? Science homework. Ok, what are you studying in science right now? etc. You want a book about dogs, ok, here are the books about dogs, what exactly are you looking for? Oh your bitch is about to have puppies. (Admittedly, I have had tried this at work, but its hard. Do we have tops, yes, they're everywhere. What sort of top are you looking for? Work, casual, going out? Thing is, sometimes, you have to give up at "what sort of top are you looking for" because the idiot then says "Dunno, just a top" >.<) But yes, this sounded like the thing that I want to be doing, and whereas up till then Sue seemed a bit bleh, she seemed to brighten up a lot when she got to talking about what she basically does.

So basically, what I've decided is that I'm going to go ahead almost like normal- try and get a library assistant position (technically, thats what their position is called, but its often used to refer to the weekend kids, and they are normally called senior assistants instead) like I would have had to been aiming for to begin with, but I won't be too fussed in getting the librarian qualification. If some years down the line, I decided I'd like to go for certifcation process, it would be an option still open to me, but I may not even need to do that! :) All I need to do now is keep my eyes constantly peeled for openings, apply, and fit my CV to fit it right. So yes, I feel pretty good about the whole thing n_n

Oh I have to say this now though, everyone was dressed really frumpily, with the exception of one younger assistant, who was wearing a black top and black trousers. Some of them were older women, so that made sense, but some of them looked late-20s, early 30s, and still dressed like grandmothers. I will break this trends, I'm going to bring back the sexy librarian look ;) (pencil skirt heehee, maybe with a corporate goth twist? lol)

I'm going to send them a little thank you note, not just to show I'm grateful- I really am, after all, she gave up her time for me- but also see if I can be "remembered" in the future if any positions open up ;)

Well, I came home after that, cleared up and lunched, and then walked to Havant. I decided I would see if they would have the Harajuku Lover's perfumes in Superdrug there, and they did! (and for like over 30p cheaper than the other week as well XD). I was going to get Lil Angel in 10 ml...30ml is better value, but I was so unsure of the smell, I thought it would be best to try it in 10. It smelt much nicer on the testy stick too (and I accidentally ended up mixing it with G, the one I want to get next, and I have to say, its a nice combination! Makes me think of tropical fruit!).

Before I bought it though, I did some shopping for mum (popped in to see her at Laura Ashley) and I got some Dr Pepper and milk. It was such a bummer, I was trying to avoid using my card, but I was short 53p...so I paid £5 cash, and 53p on my card XD After that, I decided to go buy my perfume (it would have been like 3pence cheaper in boots, but they didn't get their delivery...there was a sad little gap where the poster was XD aww)

Now Beaky thinks I've been naughty buying myself so much perfumes (I don't cares =P) but I have to say, I sooooo earned it with the walk home! Now, walking from my house to havant, or vice versa only takes about 20 minutes, and I'm sure it took twice as long yesterday. Why? Oh yes, I had done the silly thing of doing mum a favour and buying 2 6-packs of Dr Peppers, and 4 pints of milk. Very heavy. I actually had to stop for a rest twice. On the second stop, I tied the handles of the bags into a knot, and then carried everything in my arms, against my chest. This was a good idea for all of a few minutes...yes, it was much easier to take the weight into my upper arm and upper body rather than just my wrists or fingers, it was still so heavy that even now, when I raise either of my arms, a dull ache rolls along the muscles of my upper arm like an unpleasant wave, to the crook of my elbows >.<

And nope, I don't regret buying the perfume :P For one, the doll is actually very sweet, and another thing, when worn very lightly (no more than a puff or two at a time) the perfume is actually quite nice. If worn strongly, it smells too strong, a bit sickly, with a hint of caffiene, but lightly, it smells fruity and sugary instead.

I wanna make perfumes @_@ I would wanna make Angel Sanctuary ones...oooh...imagine it...Michael perfume would be fiery, spicy and hot...Jibril perfume would probably be some sort of water lily...actually, just for fun, I'm gonna do some characters here in my LJ:

Alexiel, Organic Angel- being organic, I suppose this could be hard, but I think maybe any flower smell that is totally the opposite of delicate. Strong, but not overpowering, maybe something with lavender in it.

Rosiel, Inorganic Angel- nothing living, I think his would smell the way blood tastes on your tongue...hot and metallic.

Michael, Fire Archangel- as stated, fiery, hot, maybe spicy. Not delicate.

Jibril, Water Archangel- delicate, watery, gentle, some sort of water lily?

Raphael, Air Archangel- light and breezy, but not delicate, and very masculine.

Uriel, Earth Archangel - how do you do earthy smell?! (NOT MANURE! XD) O.O Maybe something rich and dark? (He is a death angel too)

Lucifer- uhh..Fallen Angel- Rich, dark, sexy, bloody *drools*

Belial- Fallen Angel, sexy demon- similar to above, only more feminine. It would have to smell in such a way that you wouldn't know whether its a perfume or a cologne.

Um...yeah, I'm obssessed with perfume ^^;; But hey, if I made AS perfumes, I would be on to a real gold mine there :P I bet Hot Topic make a fortune with their silly merchandised scents. They even did Invader Zim Gir perfumes at one point (I have to admit, I wanted that just because it had Gir on it, but thankfully, I knew not to waste my money <.< ) They are clever at the marketing really, but from what I've heard they are overpriced, kiddy things. Heck, they are currently charging $50 for a Twilight Perfume right now...and its actually getting them into a huge amount of trouble, because both the scent and bottle was a rip off of Nina Ricci's perfume with the apple bottle O.O Uggh, I don't think I would ever spend $50 on one perfume anyway!

Well I got home, finished clearing up and even made mum and dad some tea (how lovely am I? I got away with doing no washing up for that ;) ) before they went out and Kyle came over. It was a really good time, just hanging out, drinking, chatting. We decided to start a Hellsing fest, and I showed him Ultimate Hellsing 1...he said he could tell why I was so enamoured with our dashing Mr Alucard ;) heehee Harry of course, was like RAWR but he'll get over it. Some people may wonder why I tell him that Kyle's over, but he appreciates the honesty.

Well nothing more right now, need to do some CD stuff and then some tidying up, so bai for now my pretties!

Lil Angel Bunny
x

"You're tortured but it makes you beautiful"

2009-02-14T13:57:59Z

^ "Paper Dolls,", Kill Hnnah (so emo, I know, but its a lovely song)

ONE MONTH TODAY!!!!!!

Sooooo happy. It won't be long before I'm having Bear cuddles and kisses again. I don't know how we've gone this long, I really don't, all the Ann Summers jokes aside. It's about far much more than sex after all...

Well, as you can tell by the use of my Gir avatar (which is the one I normally prefer during my happiest moments), that I am in a good mood right now. This is fed by a lot of little things- Harajuku Lovers, Japanese pop music, and silly shit like that...also by some big things...the fact Harry's birthday present has already arrived, and that it's Valentine's Day, and that...ITS ONLY A MONTH! <.< But there was some things that happened yesterday that made me feel really good, so I really have to share them!

Yesterday at work, it was ok, nothing special, but nice enough. Claire has finally given me CDPs (about time!) and although it turns no-one instore has been selected for interviews next week, its ok, because everyone who has has at least 4 years experience, so its nothing to cry over or be offended by. Although Tiffany seemed a bit pissed...I think she knew full well she wouldn't have gotten it anyway, but still wanted the chance, and has taken it a little personally. To be honest, even though i wanted it too, its probably for the best that someone who already knows how to do the job gets started instead, before Claire goes on maternity leave.

Well after work, I walked round to the library so i could drop off an old book, find a new one, and leave a covering letter and a CV there just in case. I was a bit shy in giving it (I don't know why) but I guess by the way it was marked "To the management/whom it may concern", the librarian who took it could guess what it was about and asked if I'd like to have a little talk about it. At first I was really overcome by shyness (what the hell? XD) but then I told her how I really want to become a librarian but couldn't go to uni, so I did some research on CILIP's website, and that you can get a certification process and so on, to which she seemed to be delighted and said "Oh lovely, new blood, we're dying breed you know!" She went on to give me some information- for one, there aren't any librarians at Leigh Park library, she and all the others are actually library assistants (which is slightly different). Turns out that all the librarians there were sacked as the assistants have lower salaries so its easier to pay them to do the librarians' jobs instead. Eeek. But yes, she was very encouraging, told me to frequently watch the Hampshire county website for any vacancies, and to keep trying and just ask lots of questions etc. We got briefly chatting about books, and how its a shame because Leigh Park library is constantly trying to draw kids in, but as a result, its more to do with computers and less about books, and I was saying what a huge shame it is because I love books etc. I managed to wriggle the word "Bibliophile" in too hehehe. By the end of our little talk, she said she would certainly make sure my CV was passed on, that I seemed "just the right sort of person we need in the library service"!

Now, I know that's hardly someone saying "You have an interview" but it certainly made me feel very good, and very encouraged! I mean, I know we didn't talk for long, but I obviously made the right impression on someone who already works in that sort of area, so I think it looks very good for me! I was practically skipping the rest of the way home!

And when I got home, I waited for a little bit and then decided to call the Northside Library on Buckeye Street in Chillicothe. I think I threw off a couple of people with my accent, but when I was finally put through to "Theresa", a manager-type-person lol, things went well. I said "I hope I can take a moment of your time" and she said she was actually in a meeting. I bet I blanched! ERK it could have gone so shit at that moment, and I almost started spluttering, so I said I'd be very quickly, and very rapdily explained that I was calling from England (but familliar with the library as my boyfriend lives on Beechwood Street, just around the corner from them- which peaked her interest I think), and that I'm hoping to become a librarian in the UK, but within I few years I'll hopefully be marrying my boyfriend, etc, and between the 14th and 28th of March, I would be in Chillicothe, and would it be at all possible to drop in for a chat with someone about what the job is like in America. I think it bodes very well that she seemed friendly and nice, and replied with "yes, that would be fine, I'm in most days!" I apologised for interrupting, and she seemed ok, so I would say that call went very well!

Well, a bit later, I called Bear, and I was all happy and hyper, and bouncy XD I got VERY silly on a can or Dr Pepper, and ended up laughing maniacally. Friday the 13th, hah! Well, I was wearing a lucky Egyptian scarab charm all day, which may have helped lol.

Haha, I've been listening Ayumi Hamasaki, how un-goth am I? XD

I'm feeling very good at the moment. Well, I ought to be off, got to clean the bathroom in a little bit, and do my bedroom...I really needed to go to Asda today as well, so I'll also need to get dressed :P Bai for now my freaky darlins!

Goth Bunny Who Likes Japanese Pop
x

"Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find..."

2009-02-11T20:38:28Z

^ "When I'm Gone", 3 Doors Down

It's felt very strange today, like I should have been at work, or been doing something other than sleeping and cleaning. I slept in till 11, later than I intended, but for the last 2 days, I feel like...the night has been much longer....in a weird way. I was very comfortable and content, apart from one of the peircings on my ear getting unexpectedly infected and sore. I got up feeling like I should have been getting ready for work...when in fact I had very little to do. Even on my days off lately, they've been quite busy!

I had a low spell last night, which I cured by promising myself that I would painstakingly retype my new librarian CV and letters from my laptop onto the main computer- we were just going to hook up the printer to my lappy, but it seems it lacks a port for the printer O.o And as I currently lack a memory stick (WILL get one shortly <.<), there was not much else fo it. But it was ok, I now have all the letters printed out, with CVs to accompany them. I'm intending to post them tomorrow once I have all the addresses I need. Its a week later than intended, but its being done :) And on friday, just a day and a month before I go see Bear, I will be phoning Paint Street and Buckeye Street Libraries in Chillicothe.

Oh yes. One month to go! I feel pretty good about that n_____n too bad about Friday the 13th eh? =/ (Keeping lucky charms on me for the day...). I've got £200 worth of dollars...the pound crashed a little bit today so I'm hoping it will recover again by next monday *touchwood* but if not, hey, thats why I'm doing it a little at a time.

So I did the typing and printing, and then some cleanin, before slowly getting washed and dressed. I did need to pop into Park Parade to pick up my Doc Martens, although I intended to avoid work like the plague lol. I almost never turn up on my days off. I bought some stamps on the way, and left a bunch of 40% vouchers with Maureen- she was very pleased, but I'm just hoping that the others don't all hog more than one to themselves like last time. As far as I know, there's only about 5 people working there, but still 2 sheets ran out quickly among them last time, and I'm looking at stinky Sheila and the other moody woman to blame -_- Maureen herself only got 1 last time too! I may give one or two more, but they got a bit greedy last time...

I got to Park Parade and posted Beaky's vouchers and then went to the shoe repair shop...to find that the guy hadn't been able to get hold of the Doc Marten units required to resole them, so they weren't done. I wasn't impressed to be honest, I mean, he said a week, and now its more like 2, and even then, who's to say they will be ready by next week? Those are my work shoes, my only work shoes...I'm not like some people with a million pairs of shoes. My Babychams are starting to hurt my feet (and literally crack under the pressure, they're pretty poorly designed actually, and not made for working in), and my suede boots cane if In wear them for more than a few hours. That leaves my New Rocks which, ironically, would probably be the most comfortable shoes to wear...but also the most inappropriate! XD (Maybe I WILL need to buy those Converse I've been eyeing for some time? ;) )

So yeah, wasn't too happy about that. I went to a cash point to take out a tenner for some essential spending (that turned out to be more expensive in Tesco than in Asda so I've put it off till the next time Dad goes up there) and realised there was yet another bugger up with my money- yet another reciept was, so I'm £16 down now, thanks to the cost of some stuff I needed taking ages to come up on the statement -_- Wasn't too happy about it, but if I'm veeeery veeeery cautious, I'll still be just about ok *touchwood* until payday. If things get a bit sticky, I can always put off buying the bookshelf I need, but even if I do, I should still have a grand total of £20 left over XD (keep in mind, I'm already acting as if the things I need to buy are paid for- I have the money for things I need set to one side basically). I was a bit annoyed, but hey, it couldn't be helped, and luckily, its not such a big deal as before.

Also went to see if Kyle was working- he was hoping we could go out for drinks this week, and although I was keen, I did warn him I would be very tight for cash. Well, with only a spare £20 left over, I'm not about to go and waste it on overpriced booze! He wasn't in, so when I came home I left him a facebook message, but it did basically mean that my entire trip into Park Parade totally wasted my time, so I was a bit irritable when I got home.

I've been doing some calculations during this time instead, hence why I feel ok about the tightness of the money...turns out the last few weeks have passed pretty quickly anyway, and the next payday isn't too far away really, when you think about it. And although I'm almost skint, I'm looking forward to next week.

I have 3 holiday days off (which is good, because I get holiday pay for those XD ) and normally, when these days come up, I like to splash out, go shopping or the cinema etc, but until payday, I'm not really in that position. But I'm still looking forward to it for these reasons. First of all, it gets me away from work XD Second of all, I'll be spending some of that time getting Jake's present for his birthday that weekend- I'm not feeling at all broody, but I do feel excited about his first birthday, and I'm looking forward to him opening his present. Have to admit I'm not too keen about being around lotsa other babies, but I probably won't be there for all that long.

I'm also getting Gail's presents ready. The cost of this stuff is being covered by my spendy, so it shouldn't be too bad. I've got the baby the teddy, and I'm also going to buy her daughter an Easter Egg so she won't feel left out (I'm going to look in Asda as the cool eggs tend to be pretty cheap there, I'm thinking I'll find something like a High School Musical one or something for her) but I'm wondering what to get Gail. I might just get her some sweeties- she gets through hard-boiled sweets like wild fire at the moment, and I gave Laura a pack of Oreos when she left, so maybe a couple of big bags of different sweets? Hey, I'm not obligated to give a gift really, and I don't think she'd be ungrateful...just not looking forward to Mags showing off and being like "Look what I bought, I got MORE!" Mags recently admitted to me she doesn't spend any of her money on herself, and just buys stuff for other people...but why? Sure, its nice to buy gifts, but some of these people (like Sammy) she never even sees half the time...

Anyway, I'm also going to go out on one of those days and get down Havant. Partly to get out the house, partly to just keep eyes peeled for any potential job vacancies (worth keeping an eye out)...but I'm also going to be naughty and see if the Havant Superdrug (which ought to have a bigger Perfume counter) stocks Harajuku Lovers :3 Yes, yes I know, I was bitching about lack of money, but I actually counted a 10ml bottle in with the spendy too XD I'm going to get a Lil' Angel, but only in 10ml because so far she's my least favourite scent and I want to try it first, but I still want to collect them all O____O I'm such a nerd lol...well, thing is, very little of this money is now going on things I want, its all going on things I need to get...the cost of my shoe repairs, a birthday present for Harry, essentials like phone top up and shampoo, wrapping paper and pressies for other people...I don't see whats wrong with spending just a little on a weensy bottle of perfume *halo* heehee :).

So that will be my treat for next week, and this week, I'll do the Amazon order. I'm getting 2 books for myself (although they actually have a practical purpose other than feeding my thirst for new books, as they will be the books I read on the plane, so I'll have to fight the urge to open them before the 14th of March lol...) and Harry's birthday present that he wanted so badly...I'm actually not going to wait until we get back to his house on the 14th to give him all his pressies. When I get my luggage, I tend to open it to check its mine (I normally have my stripy socks lining it all, the way my mum taught me, and Tommy's arm tends to poke out too...Tommy is my teddy btw <.<) so I'll pull out the box full of his pressies then and there n____n he can open them in the car then, and eat his British candy and love me for being such a generous awesome bunny :3

Ahhh...I feel so much better when I focus on that :) I'm such a miserable goth sometimes that it can be hard to focus on the good...its such a weird feeling to be this cheerful when I'm being visited by Aunt Irma (true to form, Zak has been the moody one instead lol) and while it's true that I've had mood swings, I've found it easier to pull myself out of lows at the moment...sure hope it keeps up.

Yesterday at work was surprisingly quick, and was generally ok. Tiffany seems to have completely given up on the assistant manager position, and seems to have become a little less bossy. The interviews for assistant manager are next week, and Claire has pretty much had it sprung on her that she needs to do the interveiws and inform the applicants, although she was told before she'd have little do with them at all...our regional manager is a wanker who can't be arsed with any of us though, so it's hardly surprising. She didn't even know who she was going to be interviewing yesterday, so I hope we find out tomorrow. Tiffany is convinced that nobody here (me, her and Kelly) will get it (heh, thanks Tiff), and that someone else who has more experience has. I'll be honest...if I don't get an interview, it will suck quite a bit, but not too badly if Tiffany doesn't get one either. So if someone with experience DOES get it over us, it probably won't be so bad, but if we have another case of someone like Cassie, who had no experience, getting it, I will be pretty pissed. But at least I'll know its not Claire's doing, because she isn't even getting to pick who she interviews.

Oh yeah, she's being a bit of a bitch again lately. She'd laid off until just recently, but luckily, its not so bad, because she's doing it to everyone now and not just me. She quite nastily said I wouldn't be able to handle having kids yesterday, and sure, its true, but there was no need to say in the way she did, especially as she went on to say that she doesn't think SHE could handle it either! I wanted to laugh in her face and say "Well the difference between you and me as how we handle contraception isn't it!" Even Tiffany didn't look impressed by her tone, but everyone is bitching about her behind her back now. On one hand, there is a small amount of sympathy, of course, she's pregnant, and she's having a hard time, but its wearing everyone a bit thin now. I'm just relieved that I'm not the only one putting up with it.

Kim will be leaving in May. YES WOOT YAY ME SO HAPPY!!! XD I know thats mean, but god he's such a cock-sucking moron. He and I don't even exchanges hello, and he seems to think I'm a nasty person, but the truth is, everyone feels the same way I do, its just he still talks to them! I feel so lucky! He hates me back so I don't have to bother with him anymore! XD He's chucked out Becky's sister because her friend was carrying food (yet never bothers to stop anyone else, ever), and is even procuring things like broken peices of a equipment for us without asking, being such a twat. He made Becky so mad the other day, she actually swore at him! Now, she's not exactly a shrinking violet, but she isn't rude by nature (she works in the courts during the week)...a kid had spilled a drink on the floor, so Becky said to Kim "You watch the front, I'll just grab a mop." She mopped it up and put the stuff away, and as she came back, he went "Oops!" because he walked right through it...after watching her clean it up! She absolutely snapped and said "What the fuck is wrong with you!?" XD Gail was saying the other day that he should be able to realise by now that its not just me who hates him, but all of us XD

I'm such a hateful lil bunny :3 :p

Well, I'm gonna finish up. I'll finally do the Amazon order tonight, but Zak needs the computer, so I'll be a generous bunny and let him have it. Bai for now my freaky darlins...

Cheerful Bunny, Waiting For Her Trip
x

Uggh I'm so knackered....

2009-02-07T17:19:30Z

I think I may make my Amazon order early, and do it today to cheer myself up. I've worked into my spendy so I CAN afford it...its two books for me (for the flight) and a game for Harry that is apparently multi-regional and he asked it for his birthday. Only thing is, if I get the books too soon, I'm gonna be like WANNA READ NOW! @_@ lol

*lies with head on table* Had work again today, and for the most part it was ok, as working with Becky tends to be quite enjoyable. Especially when she told me how she got so angry with Kim for walking on her mopped floor when he had just watched her do it, that she yelled "What the fuck is wrong with you!?" at him XD!!! But I'm a bit tired now, and I think I'm going to enjoy a nice long lie in tomorrow without any feelings of guilt :3

I cant wait until the week after next when I have my 3 days off, because I'm so so so sick of work right now >.< I just wanna sleep till late, get dressed, go shopping and buy more Harajuku Lovers perfume and have fun lol.

I'm actually too tired to write anymore right now, and I have cleaning and crap to do, so I'm gonna wrap this up...bai for nows

Tired Bunny
x

Silly and sophisticated ;) / A fatal attraction to cuteness

2009-02-05T21:59:18Z

THANK GOD! I went to the bank on my lunch break to go through my money and stuff, and thankfully, NOTHING was missing. I know I was being a real drama queen about it, but it really wasn't my fault. All the reciepts from the day before were totally WRONG, taking off the cost of the dollars that had been bought only 5 minutes previously (not even that long) but not taking off the cost of several things I had bought the previous week...going through my statement, not one number corresponded to the reciept, but with after a good read through, its become clear that all is well, and I was not broke!

Tuesday was a sadly crap day, oh yes the snow was pretty, but it made Claire feel like going to work would be dangerous (she claimed the main road from Portsmouth was closed and it actually wasn't) so we didn't open till 11- luckily she got hold of me before I left for work, but I wasn't too impressed, having got up early, and lost 2 hours. And then again today, she called in "sick" (her "sick voice" sounded so fake on the phone) so Cassie had to go into Portsmouth during rush hour to get the keys, leaving me and Gail standing in the rain under an umbrella until 10:45. I feel a bit cheated when it comes to these extra hours this week, but at least its still 30 for the moment...*touchwood* oh and my Doc Martens have split...

And even though Mags was really annoying me on Tuesday, I just kept looking forward to Wednesday n___n It ended up being a lovely day, a perfect break to all the shit at work. I got up early-ish so I could do some housework after getting dressed (Zak was thoroughly unhelpful as always) before setting off towards Park Parade first to take my poor split Docs to be mended. It'll cost me £30 to have them re-soled with Doc Marten units, so I'm quite pleased that I won't be having to shell out another £90 to replace them. I then hopped back on the bus to Pompey for the meet up with Beaky.

We window shopped and chatted mostly, but we also bought the long-awaited Harajuku Lovers perfumes we wanted too! I so badly wanted 2, but misread the labels when it came to prices and how much perfume it was oops! XD In the end, because our lovely lunch was so cheap, I was able to afford a big one and a little one. I bought a big Love from Fragrance shop (Beaky did too) and I used my Peacocks discount card to get us 10% off, which was good, made it something like £17.50 each for a 30ml bottle. We were really pleased with them, as they are sooo cute and smell very nice, but one of the ladies in that shop was a bit rude and stared at us...bitch. Well, we also checked to see if they did them in Superdrug, as I still had that £5 voucher Abbi gave me, and as luck would have it, they did, so I got a small Baby one for about £7! The bigger ones are better value to be honest, but for £7 its not bad at all XD. They're sooo cute, and I love perfume at the moment...I think I'll have to get more O.O

We had lunch in the cafe in BHS, and it was really nice, having a good old chat over some nice paninis. Me and Beaky are both not enjoying work much at the moment, so I think we both really enjoyed being able to get away from it all for a day. I've missed Beaky too, so I really loved the day out. I didn't buy anything aside from the perfumes, but the retail therapy was nice, and giggling with Beaky and being silly, happy girls was the best.

Heehee, we also went to Starbucks to warm up over...cups of hot chocolate! I just loved how we were being grown up, sophisticated ladies, buying perfumes and hanging out in Starbucks...only we bought the perfumes because they are cute and Japanese and come with little collectable doll thingies, and we had hot chocolate instead of coffee! But you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way! n_____________n

WEll i ran out of time...continue this later!

Harajuku Lover Bunny
x

Much happier!

2009-01-20T22:02:00Z

Quick entry!

I nicknamed yesterday "Manky Monday" because of all the STINKY people we served, but it turned out to be a really good day. I got a real surprise when I heard a "ahem" and turned to see a slightly nervous looking Kyle standing there, who then said "Um, can I have a word with you in a minute?" So I finished serving, went up to him and he said "Um, I want to apologise about before, I was a childish twat" or something like that "I didn't meant to offend you, and I won't ever do it again. I'm sorry." Well better late than ever I say! I find it hard to hold a grudge against someone if they apologise, and I was missing him so much as a friend, so we had a hug and now we're friends again n____n Harry wasn't pleased, he was saying in a intentionally deranged voice "I'M HAPPY THAT YOU'RE HAPPY, IM NOT BURNING HIS VOODOO DOLL OR STABBING ITS CROTCH OR SLAMMING ITS HEAD IN THE DRAWER!" XD It wasn't quite as quick as that, but I'm trying to be quick XD

And although Tiffany is a pain in the ass (and she was miffed at me for telling Abbi that she's pregnant because its a *public* secret), I like her today too XD She walked past me and patted my belly and said "You're losing loads of weight!" I was like REALLY!? When she said that I looked thinner than I did a year ago, I said "Alright c'mere you! I hug anyone who calls me thin!" XD

So I feel much better at the moment. Unfortunately, due to being tired and having lots of extra hours, I haven't had time to phone Learn Direct yet (or the hoovering, or the ironing, or the sewing...) but I will squeeze it in this week!

I FEEL GOOD NA NA NA NA NA NA NA!!!!

Bai for now, outta time!

Good Bunny

For the depression sufferers- this entry is for you.

2009-01-17T22:24:17Z

Are You Suffering? (That's from Emilie Autumn's "Liar" btw)

I have had a break through, and I need to share it. If I share it, and by some random chance, somebody who accidentally mispelled their friends LJ bunny-esque name may well end up reading this entry and read about it, and maybe, if they happen to be in the same position as me, they can do something to help themselves too. And even if that never happens, I still need to put it up here and feel good about it. I often have little to feel good about...and this may sound only like a half victory to some, but believe me, this is a victory for me, and thats what counts

If the last 6 years are anything to go by, I think its safe to say, in my opinion that depression is something I'm going to have to live with now. Last year, last summer really, saw it become something really negative in my life again. Various reasons, various people. Dad and Zak are much to blame to be honest. It's still with me now.

Yesterday, I got up, and I felt like I wanted to die. I felt like, there was no point even getting out of bed. I felt like a robot, going through the motions of living, having breakfast, getting dressed etc. Mum, having had her own Aunt Irma come to visit was a bit snippier than usual (and I think that my own visit may have had an influence on my hormones yesterday also). On several occassions, I found myself beginning to sob, although each time I wasn't entirely sure why. My head was buzzing with a million thoughts and not one of them was a good one.

I walked to work, and just as I came to the bridge, I had a mental image of Harry in my head, and I remembered that I haven't seen him for a year, and I started to cry, and I had to stare at the sky to make sure the tears didn't come out. It happened at work also.

I tried very hard to put on the "customer services" face. I even ended up ranting briefly to Tiffany (who offered to let me "talk") about what a bully my brother is. I didn't have many jobs to do during the day, but I had a few, including putting up new POS and banners all around the shop with Tiffany, which took a while. Thankfully that took my mind away from thoughts of misery for a little while.

But I still had the thoughts buzzing in my head. Tiffany whittering on about stuff like a happy brainless birdy didn't help. Also pissed me off when she said rudely that I hadn't "done anything all day" around 4 o'clock, when I commented the shift had dragged. I haven't been that angry at work for some time. I think the customer noticed when I had to stop serving her for a minute, clench my fists, take a deep breath and then say clearly "I have been doing things, actually" before carrying on silence. I was so furious with that stupid bint (who, btw, is pregnant again, I wonder how long this once lasts, she's already complaining about drinking) for the way she spoke to me that I was actually looking around for things to kick and vent my rage on. In public I normally find something I can damage safely...litter mostly, although when I was younger I used to kick those electric boxes you find at the end of the street with some force (then I realised it was likely to be classed as criminal damage so I stopped). Of course, all there was around me were the fixtures and rails holding clothes <.<

I was so utterly wretched, by the time I got home, I had no apetite, no real want to talk to my parents. I went straight to my room with the phone. I dialled Harry's number, with the intention of whining about my horrible day, and maybe drop a hint to him that I think my depression has become quite worrying without making him think I'm being a drama queen. Nobody answered the phone however.

And then it just sort of occurred to me, that, contrary to popular belief, I was NOT enjoying my misery. I was not enjoying my depression and I was not enjoying this sick twisted up feeling inside my body, or the contemplation of very dark and stupid things like self harm and suicide. I was yearning to grab something, just to hurt myself, so it would make the knots inside me become a little looser. But I didn't want to continue.

So I picked up the phone again, and scrabbled about for a phone number, somewhere on a discarded peice of paper in my bedroom. Eventually, I found it. It was the number for Get Connected. I had written it down a few days earlier, in an half-arsed attempt to feel like I was doing something. I dialled and got through.

The lady asked how she could help me. I was sort of rambling at first. It probably took me a while to make sense, as the lady made a few hesitant pauses. But it was all ok. I said "...I have two problems. One of them...I think I won't talk about. Because its not going to help. I'm going to be positive. I would like to find out more information about further education and doing degrees and things, please." The lady was a bit confused at first, and who can blame her; give me a few more fishes and colourful words and I would have sounded something alike to Delirium of the Endless (see Neil Gaiman for more details, freaky darlins). While tapping into her computer and finding me organisations to set me up with, she asked me about my situation, and I said to her "I'm 21, I suffer from depression, and I'm sick of the way my life is. So I thought instead of being a silly old emo and complaining about it, crying in the corner, I figured its about time I did something about it, and became more proactive." I got to talking to her very briefly. I told her how I was hoping to become a librarian, but have reached a dead end due to lack of help, advice, and more importantly, money. And it was fuelling my depression.

I mean lets face it, I'm not really in the most ideal life to sort out depression, am I? I have no close friends that live very close by. My fiance lives 4000 miles away, and I haven't seen him for a year. I live with my folks and a bullying younger brother who can do no wrong. I have a job that I hate but I'm stuck in. I have an aspiration that is out of reach. SUCK ON THAT RACHEL *ahem* excuse me :P I have a few complications in my life. There's always something not quite ordinary about me. Sure my life isn't horrible...I have a decent amount of money, supportive parents, a roof over my head, and tiny but lovely little purple and fairy-lit sanctuary, and a man who loves me so much that he's put much of his life on hold for me and will do whatever he can for me. But the complications sure don't make things easy for you, especially if you're a tad screwy.

But you know, I don't want to be a depressed little emo girl, huddled in the corner, cutting myself. I don't like that person. I like being the happy girl who goes out shopping, has lunch with her best mate, visits her friend and her baby, doodles/draws/types stories under the purple fairylights while listening to all her CDs in alphabetical order. I like that person. She's a bit tame, but she's nice and she has a lot of fun sometimes :) And whats more, shes got a goal, and its not going to be easy to get it- like most of the things she wants to do- but its a good goal.

Why am I referring to the sunnier side of my personality like its another person? I don't know. Maybe because sometimes, when I am in a very depressed state, she seems like a different person. Truth is though, shockingly (lol), she isn't a different person. So I've got some hope left at any rate.

The Get Connected lady connected me to Learn Direct- I would never have thought of them before previously- and now I have an ID number and everything with them. Unfortunately, last night they were a bit busy, and the guy I was speaking to was unable to put me through to a learning advisor/career advisor person but now I have the ID number, I can quote it and pick up where I left off at any time. And I figure they could be more helpful than the Trisha woman at Havant college, because they have to help people from all walks of life, all ages and circumstances, whereas she just works with college students.

Would you believe it? 30 minutes on the phone completely turned my mood around.

Maybe there's no Moral, maybe its just a bunch of Stuff that Happened (or maybe there IS a Moral)

So the moral of the story, little sufferers out there, is that you need to be doing something for yourself. And you will have bad days, but only YOU can turn it around (Smokey the Bear impersonation there?). If you don't want to be upset anymore, then get off your backside and do something about it. You may not have the same problems as me, as in, the same things in your life going on, but the rule still applies.

And if you need any sort of advice, ANYTHING, and you're under 25, get in contact with Get Connected. They have a website so look them up. They've arranged counselling for me in the past, as well as career help now.

End Emo-ness

So...here is my plan. This is my stuff to make my life...better. All the plans and things I have to do.

- By the end of the month, I must have found out everything I can about learning to be a librarian, from Learn Direct, the Leigh Park library, and maybe a few of the other numbers suggested to me by Get Connected. By the end of this month, my new CV and covering letter must be ready, that is the thing specified to get me into a library to learn on the job.
- Once a week, I must visit the library. Not only to familiarise myself with the librarians and the like, but also, its a good, free way of entertaining myself. And the Leigh Park branch has a surprisingly good selection- I've just read 3 Sandman books in the last week, one of which I had only read in Ohio before, and the other was completely new to me.
-Relating to the previous bullet point, once a month, I will pick a different subject to read about, merely out of interest. So that I will get a good selection. Any poor soul that reads my LJ is welcome to suggest a topic for me to find a book on.
-Starting tomorrow night, I'm going to restart going through my old Japanese text book again. This will be a sort of once-a-week basis, but it's something to occupy my otherwise boring Sundays with, and I'll enjoy it.
-Next month, I will be mostly preparing to go see Harry (buying lotsa $ for one). But also, by the end of the first week of February, I need to send out my first lot of CVs and letters to local libraries- Havant, Leigh Park, Hayling, Portsmouth, whatever.
-When I come back from my trip, starting from April, I will attend a horse-riding lesson once a month (I know that I kept saying this, but I still REALLY want to take this up).
-If by the end of May, there has been little or no response to the letters, I will start researching more into university applications, for next year. But I will still continue with the letters.
-By the end of September (when University term would be starting, incidentally) if there has still been no response, I will start considering the possibility of applying to a university for the following year. This gives me plenty of time not only to research what degrees, what unis, and whether or not to do long distance or not, this also gives me the time to make an appointment at my bank and talk about whether or not I could take out a loan, or finding about student loans and grants. This is something I would rather not do, but I suppose it may have to be something I have to do (putting myself in debt is never something I've ever felt comfortable with). I will not, however, will NOT consider Harry's suggestion of waiting till I'm an American citizen to first sit the SATs and then go to college, as this could well mean I'm in my late twenties/early thirties by the time I'm qualified, and I'm already wasting enough of my prime years.

So thats for this year, regarding education mostly. But I have decided that one day, even if I have to wait until a few years until after I'm married, I am going to Japan. Ryan is going in August (rich kid huh -_- wish he was a knob so I could hate him for it, but sadly, he's a lovely bloke, so I have to just be jealous instead), and although Harry doesn't want to go, he says I can go by myself if I want, and you never know, I maybe able to persuade him within the next few years lol. Or get a friend to come with me and we can have an adventure together (maybe Tracey would wanna go, being half Japanese herself and much more familliar with the country). Part of me wishes I were in the position were I could do a sort of gap year and live and work there (part of me is really tempted to work in a Maid Cafe just to raise hell, and in a Love Hotel XD hahaha). I would actually love it, the more I think of it, it feels like a sort of dream to me (no bar hostess work though of course) but of course, I'm not a spoilt rich kid, my Japanese is crappy at best and it would be extremely selfish for me to piss off for a year to live out a very expensive adventure and leave out Harry. BUT...but...saying this...this doesn't mean that I can't have an adventure AFTER I've worked hard to pay for it >:3

So yes, this Bunny is a much happier bunny than before. And I DO have stuff to look forward to. Less than 2 months now, after all :) Its too bad that its only going to be for 2 weeks, so do expect some EXTREME EMO WHINING when I'm home, as I know I'm going to be one mopey goth, but at least I'll have a proper excuse then XD Actually, we've already hit a snag, as Harry is broke, bless him, his dad having been too preoccupied with placating Rachel to have filled out the Parent Plus loan form (only a parent can do it) even though he was supposed to do it in September. Hopefully, if he gets his rear in gear, Harry will have more money by the time I'm there, but otherwise, Harry will probably only have about $200 to spend on dates and presents when I arrive. He feels totally wretched about it, because he's the sort of guy who likes to be the provider, he wants to spoil me and take me out to dinner and buy me presents. Fortunately, thanks to my frugal spending and super saving, I can probably afford to bring more dollars than I ever normally bring...it will probably annoy Harry endlessly (he's been telling me since I booked the flight that I ought to bring LESS money this time), but I figure, hey, its the first holiday I've had in a year, I can afford to bring that much spending money, and most people would bring WAAAAY more than what I'm hoping to get...I want to have a fucking fantastic time, having gone this long without him, and if that means I wanna splash cash (that I can afford to splash), why the bloody hell not! :)

OMG, anyone here read Angel Sanctuary? (Becky, woman, you need to read it >.< you've had my vol 1 for aaagees now, longer than I've had your sexy homunculus game) I just got 16 and 17 in the last couple of days and I'm so desperately hooked. I got 13 for Christmas and I so badly needed to know what happened next, I bought 14 and 15...and then I had to know what happened next and that brings me up to 17...I've got 3 more to read before I come to the end (or I think it ends at 20, because I can't seem to find anymore on Amazon). And I'm actually a little bit scared about finishing it, I'm so addicted to the story, I don't want it to end! Maybe I should slow down a bit, and wait before I get 18? I could wait until I'm in the states to get my next one maybe, but I feel like that maybe tooooo loooooong! XD I have to say however, AS brings out a side of me that disturbs me a little...lets just say, in 17, I've been turned on by things that probably shouldn't have turned me on (I'm now quite concerned I may develop a gas mask fetish now O.o that could cause a problem next time I have to watch the Empire Strikes Back...)

Gotten a bit arty lately too, which is good, gives me something to do. Been working on cover art for a story I'm writing, and I'm going to use teabags to stain it into a lovely parchment colour. Got some stuff to do for Harry before March 14th too, including a naughty picture of Black Lagoon's Revy, butt-nekkid.

Anyway, I think thats all I can be bothered to rant about for now. I feel very good now. See there is an upside to this depression malarky. Just glad that I know how to deal with myself nowadays.

Anyway, lubs ya, my freaky darlins

In Control Bunny
x

Merry (belated) Christmas!

2008-12-29T11:20:32Z

Thought I should try and slip in a last entry before the year is out, but to be honest, I just haven't had time for an entry for some time.

You know how chronological I like to be, so we're hopping backwards to when my parents had just come home from the Caribbean, and we had just put up the Christmas decorations. I was just starting to get all excitable like a kid. And then on the Sunday after they came home, my dad decided to tell me that I'm lazy and haven't been doing enough housework.

I flipped. I said he had been home for 4 days, and was already starting again, having a go at me, just like normal, and all the things my nan had told me about my dad saying he'd miss me when I leave simply evaporated, and I felt hated and unwanted again. I actually snapped at him "It's bollocks dad, and you know it is!" I was crying all through my shower, and I decided, ok, as soon as I have some pyjamas on, I'm marching into that living room, sitting them both down and telling them exactly how upset I have been while they have been gone. And that is exactly what I did. Dad caught me crying, as I was about to go do exactly that, and after accusing me of being over dramatic, I frog-marched him down the stairs.

And I told them. I told them just how much hard work is- that I appreciate what they do more because of it, but it was so much harder for me because I was looking after 2 people and a cat entirely on my own. I even cleaned up the house after 14 people had been running back and forth through it, entirely on my own. I was on my hands and knees, scrubbing, polishing, dusting, hoovering, mopping, washing...it would have been easier if I were just cleaning up after myself, but I wasn't and Zak was all the more willing to give me more work to do. Whenever they tried to bat it down, I stopped them, and then I told them how upset I was that they immediately jumped to his side that evening they came home when Zak decided to be spiteful and tell them I had been "swearing like a sailor", which wasn't even really true. They claimed they weren't on his side, and I said that it very much seemed that way, and that I would swear at either of them too if they ever said they hoped I would die in an airplane accident.

And they even tried to argue back against that for a bit, saying I'm too sensitive, and that I shouldn't take it to heart, but eventually they had to agree that there is a world of difference between a fake joke and a death wish, and admitted Zak had been downright nasty, and said they would speak to him (not sure if they actually did this however...)

And then I told them how stress I was the whole time I was gone, having to keep the house pristine, and worrying about Zak's party- I told them about how I broke down at work- and they said "Why the hell were you so stressed for?" (after dad quipped that I don't know what stress is so I gave him a right telling off for it). I was like "B-b-but you said that you'd blame us BOTH if the party was a disaster, even though I told you ahead of time!" *explodes* They now claim they never said such a thing, despite me denying that and saying I wouldn't have been shitting myself over it for nearly 2 weeks if I had just imagined it. I remember later that my mum's exact words were that she would feel unable to trust either of us if the party was a disaster, but as far as I'm concerned it was the same thing, and it still meant I was in the firing line for something that wasn't to do with me.

And so...yes...I won. They had to concede, and admit that dad was in the wrong for being mean, and that I was bloody awesome for how nice the house is :3 It was bizarre to "win" a debate like that for once, but I guess I just argued my case just right. Dad hasn't picked on me since, which is a relief. And afterwards, just before going to bed, he kissed me on the forehead, almost as if to say sorry for being mean to me before.

I wins! XD

So the lead up to Christmas was greatly improved by that. The following weekend I got all my Christmas shopping completed (mainly vouchers for everyone) and also bought myself a discount treat from Ann Summers heehehee :3 (thanks to Matt for texting me the £10 off any Rampant Rabbit for that weekend lol). I was quite excitable in the days leading up to Christmas, but I felt a bit bought down by work, which wasn't like it was going out of its way to be unchristmassy, but just happened to manage to be that way. I was getting excited because of the presents slowly appearing under the tree (quite a modest pile at first, but it was huge by Xmas day!). Oh I had a bratty moment where I got insanely upset by the fact many of my dad's presents for me were supposed to be turning up late, but luckily, I grew up <.< and also luckily, all but one turned up (so I'll have a New Year's present heehee). On Tuesday, we went out with the Browns for dinner at Richard's restuarant, and I was wearing my corset and a PVC skirt. It was a nice dinner, although I was very annoyed by Nanny Jean. First of all, we had one of those movie moments when I turned around and saw her coming straight towards me with her hands outstretched for a hug, and I opened my arms too, only for her to knock me aside as she hugged someone else -_- Thanks...she never actually said hello to me, instead I overheard her scolding Zak for being mean to me, and then saying "But Laura has to learn to just walk away from you" (I have to admit I was furious at that, as Nan barely knows Zak at all, its been the first time in, I dunno, a year at least she's even seen him, and she thinks she knows better than me?). During dinner, the swearing game continued (with Badger asking my parents how many CUNT-Tries they visited- 5 points!). I was very surprised to recieve presents from my aunts and uncles, (£10 notes O.O_ because I didn't expect them, and I also recieved some presents from Nan. All in all, it was a nice dinner, just a bit...weird...really XD

On Christmas Eve, I went to work in a t-shirt, skirt, tights and....NEW ROCKS! and I was all bouncy and happy...and then put in the stock room ALL DAY -_- I have a feeling Claire did it so customers wouldn't see my clothes, even though she did say we could wear whatever we wanted, and she knew last week I was gonna wear 'em. It was very boring, and I had to pricepoint and size order the entire kid's sale section, but it was hard to tell where to start because it was such a fucking mess. I did the boy's part in the first hour or so, but then it took me over 2 hours to just size order girls'. Claire came to see what I was doing, and told me it needed pricepointing (going in price order) as well as size ordering, and I said it was such a bad mess I would just size order it for now, and she was cool with that, and even said I made a real improvement on the place (it was a horrible mess before hand). But with only 45 minutes of my shift to go, she then told me it all needed to be pricepointed, and it was just going to be impossible. I came up with the idea of price pointing it IN the size ordering (normally its size ordering IN price pointing), and she was saying "yes" to it, but then telling me to do something else. I swear she's an idiot, she wasn't making any sense, and so I said "Oh ok...(wait till out of earshot) nope I'm doing it my way" >:3 heeheehee

I went home to find Danny tormenting my mum, and I opened my Secret Santa present from Becky to reveal some stripy loud socks XD. We suddenly had LOADSA pressies, and once Dad and Zak finished their wrapping, the pile had simply ballooned with 24 hours O.O I was like WOW! Dad said he liked how I arranged them in a circle, just like the tree XD Danny made "snow" out of wrapping paper and opened his DIY Dentisty book from me and the binary watch from my folks (but nothing else).

I went to bed feeling extremely excited. However, I think I ruined it slightly. I woke up at 7, knowing everyone wanted to sleep till 10, and so I lay awake being kiddish and thinking "its christmas its christmas" over, thinking about presents and prawn cocktail...hmmm....finally, I fell asleep, about an hour before we were due to get up, and I felt soooo groggy by that point, I lost all my christmas spirit feeling, and its not quite come back ; _ ; So Although Xmas day as nice, it ended up feeling missed, because my stupid childlike feeling ran out on me XD

But it was a nice day, and we all had a good haul. I got:

-Angel sanctuary 13 (OMG KIRA IN MILITARY UNIFORM!)
-Battle Angel Alita 2
-The Birthday Massacre CD (Walking with strangers)
-Kill Hannah CD (For ever and never)
-The Dark Knight DVD
-Hellboy DVD
-The Neverending Story DVD
-The Golden Compass DVD (lotsa DVDs this year)
-The Alchemy Gothic pendant I wanted
-Aeon Flux anime on DVD (from Danny)
-Vampires trilogy box set DVD (from Danny again)
-Lovely Ruby Gloom wallet from Beaky (OMG I LOVE IT ITS LIKE A LITTLE WALLET TARDIS!)
-£10 Waterstones vouchers (Nan)
-Little...makeup bag thingy....(Nan)
-Chocolate truffles (Nan lol).

And um....will continue this later, cleaning needs doing and Zak wants the computer....bai for now!

Chwistmas is comin' and Mummy and Daddy are home! ^_^

2008-12-13T20:45:39Z

Much happier.

Wednesday was a good day. Although mum and dad's flight was delayed so there was no one home when they got in ^^;; Zak had college, and I had made plans to go Christmas shopping with Beaky.

Shopping went very very well. I'm pretty much finished now. Me and Beaky warmed up over Subway, and then shopped for a fair while, and we made a pretty good haul! I got presents for Danny, Eve, Abbi and Gail. In Bhs, we found lovely gifts that are great to give to people when you don't really know what to give XD Seriously, if you're having real problems with Secret Santa's or extended family members you rarely see, check it out, because they have some lovely things. Becky bought a delightful set of jams on a pretty little tray (which you know can be reused once the jams are gone, for tea cakes and stuff like that), and for Gail, I got her a tin of toffees with a scottish teddy bear on top- I wanted to get her sweets as we're always knicking them, and I think she has some Scottish links. I was over the £5 limit, but I don't care, Gail got me a nice present last year, so its only fair as far as I see it (that and I feel like being rebellious anyway, but back to that in a bit...).

I also got Danny's Encyclopedia of Immaturity, which my mum later flipped through and decided it was very very appropriate- score! They have the crazy cat scarves (Hell Bunny) that I saw on Kate's Clothing in Withit now, and I was soooo tempted, but they were £13.99, and its not something I'd wear all the time to be fair.

Buying for Abbi and Eve took longer, and was a bit difficult. Its almost sort of bizarre that me and Abbi- as different as chalk and cheese- are friends! She's a lovely person, but I had a real hard time trying to find something. Whereas I thought, if I saw something that I like, but wouldn't necessarily buy myself, then it would probably be good for Eve. In the end, me and Beaky browsed through a pretty stall in the Cascades Centre, and in the end I sort of gave up a little, an found pretty things to buy them. They're the sort of things that do look more expensive than they actually are heehee. I bought a small compact mirror with a pearly white stone thing set into the front for Abbi, and being as it came in a little box, it looks a bit more than the £6.99 I paid. I bought Eve a necklace I tried on briefly, with hematite and blue beads, and it actually looked so nice I was tempted to buy one for myself! It was £8.99, but has no box, so Abbi's will probably look more dear XD And Beaky bought a microwavable bear (to warm them up) so it looks like a place we may have to check out next year ;)

Mostly, we spent the time chatting and browsing, and it was very nice and festive, especially as it got dark and we strolled through the German market under all the lights and things. It was very pleasant. Oh how I love this time of year n____n

I came home and mum and dad were finally back, so we all had big cuddles. Mum praised me on my cleaning and good running of the house, and I filled her on, briefly, on what had happened in their absence, although I didn't really get into how nasty Zak had been. They told me about their trip and showed me the things they got and the photos they had. They had bought use little presents, and I had a necklace and bracelet set of beads made with a dark metal (similar to haematite I think...), with a real shark's tooth incased in mother-of-pearl. But more than anything, I was glad to have them back home more than anything. As I told my dad later, I have a greater understanding of running the house now, and I will do my to pull my weight from now on.

Zak came home and tried to promptly ruin things by immediately telling my parents I had been swearing like a sailor while they were gone. I was furious, especially dad started scolding me without even hearing me out. I just wanted to stab the little fuck in the face. Nobody even batted an eyelid when I told them what he said, although once dad and zak left the room, mum told me just to keep calm, bite my tongue and not get upset, we wouldn't discuss it now. She had found my to-do lists with all the cleaning and knew exactly how hard I had been working, so I think shes knows exactly why I was so upset. I feel like telling her that Jackie was rather unhelpful and even slightly patronising (well done, I'll tell your mum how good you were).

Well, Thursday, it was back to work, in a much happier mood due to mum and dad being home, it lifted some of the weight from my shoulders. Work wasn't too bad, but I wasn't at all impressed by Tiffany putting on her most condescending voice to "have a word" with me about how many security tags I have forgotten to remove in the last few days. I promptly told her as nicely as I could that she's forgotten many more than I have, and that its not a big deal because its such a new process we're all going to forget, but for fucks's sake, Ive been at the job for a year and half longer than her, not to mention I'm her senior, she has no position of authority, yet she decides to take it upon herself to have a "little word" with me? How fucking patronising is that? Remembering to remove the tags would be much easier if someone wasn't putting on more than one for each garment or putting them in the wrong place (*Tiffany, cough*).

Yeah, and she's now applying for assistant manager. AND Claire still hasn't given me CDPs. I spoke to dad about it, and tomorrow, I will talk to Claire about it, and if by Friay there has been nothing, I will phone the regional manager to complain about Claire not only taking the mick out of me and belittling me, but ask to be transferred to a place where someone will be willing to give me training. I've been passed up on training opportunities, overtime, and even now on the possibility of promotion, although I do think I could do a decent job of it, and better than some (looking back on the time with Cassie has convinced me that I could do a better job).

Oh, and if I find someone knew about this before Friday and didn't warn me, I may go on a rampage. Claire left the shop a little but after my shift started, and nobody bothered to tell me that Cassie was covering >.<

Fortunately, she seems not to have forgotten the time I cruelly jibed her on her attempts to ruin my birthday, and ignored me the entire day, and didn't speak a word to me. Oops, I lie. When I asked her for more change for my till, she said "Pounds and 2-pounds?" And "Goodbye" after she checked my bag. I decided to be annoyingly sweet and polite. Only shows her up as being unproffessional after all heehehee.

So yes, thank goodness, that could have ended a lot worse XD

Today I slept in late (YAY) and did very little except finish re-reading American Gods, and then this evening, while watching that classic A Muppets Christmas Carol (it IS a classic :P), I put up the new christmas tree, and rather nice it looks too n___n

Thats pretty much all, except that I'm now off to do some more jobhunting and stuff...gonna write out letters to a gallery, New Look and Next. By for now my festive darlings!

Festive Bunny
x

Never, ever again...

2008-12-08T20:15:33Z

So on Wednesday, this whole stupid charade will be over with. I will no longer be a housewife. Or a fucking slave for that matter.

Things have just been so SHIT since they left. I've even made a note of every bit of housework that I've done since they left, so that I can prove to them that I've been working hard. Zak's friends have done more around this house than he has himself.

But there are now 2 breakages. One is my fault, and the other is Zak's. The other day, while in the bathroom, my elbow knocked on the bathroom cabinet as I was removing my shirt for a wash- not hard enough for it to hurt me at all, no marks, no bruises, yet somehow it caused the bottom part of that door to shatter. If I'm honest, it looks like its been threatning to crack some more for a while, and as I said, it didn't even hurt me, my elbow just tapped it, but its one more thing that my folks won't be happy about.

Then this morning, I noticed a little plate sitting on the stove, with peices of what appeared to be curved, smoky glass on it, all shatter to shit...and I went to look at the lights in the living room, and some fucking genius (dont know who, Zak? One of Zak's friends? If its one of Zak's friends it counts as the same thing in my opinion) managed to smash one of the glass light shades on the ceiling...I have no bloody idea how that happened, so someone must have been being a retard to do that.

Mum will be PISSED.

So friday morning. After that last LJ entry, I spent some of the time watching Hancock with Zak, Nilla and TJ, and also getting ready for work, and having lunch. I came home from work and promptly set about gutting the downstairs good and proper. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the footprints out of the carpet, washing clothes, bleaching and cleaning all the surfaces, cleaning the windows and the mirror (Beau, the weird lesbo who kept pouring vodka into her eyes seemed to have become infatuated with her own reflection at one point). I even hoovered twice, and mopped the floors. Then I sat down to enjoy Family Guy...then Zak came home.

And almost immediately, he started on at me about "hanging around his friends" and being at the party. He's such a CUNT. I really have had enough of this. He doesn't seem to realise that I LIVE IN THE SAME FUCKING HOUSE, and completely in denial about the fact some of his friends actually LIKED me. So what if they were drunk? Would Lorna have put her arm around me if she hated me? Would Craig have chatted to me for the best part of an hour? Its not like I was trying to steal his friends, or being weird (he said he was thankful I didn't talk about weird things, but believe it or not, I have a good strategy for these sort of social gatherings, don't say much about yourself, and let the others pick subjects to talk about), I mean about 13 or 14 people were there, I avoided Zak for the most part, so it wasn't like I was stealing his thunder.

It later transpired that he fancies both Nilla and Charlotte (the blonde girl who was trying to get me to join in the first place) and trying to woo one or both of them. He was especially pissed off that I "hung out" with them in the morning watching Hancock because he said he felt he couldn't talk to her as freely with me around, and I said to him "well thats fair enough Zak, but you can't expect me to not be in the house that I live in." I mean, for fuck's sake, with all the contibution I make to this household, I have more right to be there than him! Although the conversation later grew more conversational and nicer (telling me that Charlotte has a boyfriend in the army who hates him etc) but I'm still smarting from that, and the fact he said he wanted me to die on a plane.

He later claimed that he only said that to "push my buttons" and refuses to accept there's a difference between calling someone fat and saying you want them to die a horrific death.

Anyway, on Saturday, after the work I did the night before, I didn't do much housework in general, and like normal, Zak did none. I popped into Havant to get a few things and I was really disappointed to find I had missed out on a part time position at the library- saturday was the closing date, and I had only given them a CV and covering letter a few weeks ago, so its obvious they were lying when they said they would keep hold of it and read it. Fuckers.

Came home, where I did Zak a favour for some fucking reason and went to get him a chinese, but not long after, he told me that we had run out of clean flannels, and that "I" needed to do some more washing. And I fucking lost it, yet again. I can't fucking STAND the way he sits there and grins at me when I'm angry with him. i got a bunch of stuff out of the tumbledryer and told him to fold it up, but he didn't, and the pile stayed on the floor for a whole hour before I did it myself.

Yesterday, I spent nearly all day cleaning, I cleaned every room, except Zak's room, and I think I did a great job. You wouldn't know I had done it now, though, because Zak came home and messed a bunch of stuff up. there are still sauces stains on the kitchen side where he splashed it and didn't wipe it up. I'm not sure if I've emphasised this a bit, but ZAK DOESN'T DO A FUCKING THING AROUND THIS HOUSE! . I'm so so so SICK of this. My nan called last night too, to see how I was doing (nobody else has actually called, the only time I've really spoken to Danny and Jackie is when I called them, and look how much help they gave me), and I told her how upset I've been that I've been stressing out over the party, over cleaning up all by myself etc...she's promised that she and Jackie will call my dad up and tell him how rotten Zak has been, whereas I'm very much considering not saying a thing. They don't listen to me when I complain, but I get the feeling they may take it seriously if it looks more like I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, which it certainly feels like.

I swear this right now. If mum and dad want to go away again, Zak cannot stay here. He can stay with Richard, or Jackie, or with TJ or someone, but he cannot stay here. I will NOT ever do this ever again. I do not mind cleaning up after myself. But cleaning up after Zak, and after all his friends is so unfair that it beggars belief. I will never do him another favour. He has totally taken me for granted, and I am so angry about it, that I want to cry again. How bad must I be if I'm bursting into tears at work? I feel like I'm crying all the time right now, and there's not even much going on, and loads to be looking forward to.

I hope Nilla and Charlotte know what a nasty peice of shit my brother is.

bunny innards restored to normal place, bunny has unexploded

2008-12-05T10:24:53Z

Soooo....its all over, and there's a fair bit of work to do, but it wasn't a disaster, and it actually meant I had a little fun myself!

Yesterday morning, I wasn't great to be honest. Still worrying, still stressy, lost £10, toilet bogged up, couldn't find the drink Zak wanted (he did say please...) and I got to work, Mags asked me if I was alright, and I burst into tears. You know, I have to take back any bad thing I've said about her, because she pulled me up a chair, sat me down and hugged me until I calmed down. And then she lent me £1 to get the newspapers. She was really nice, and I really appreciated it.

Work was ok, I calmed down and felt much better. WE had a little fun filling out puzzles and quizes in a Peacocks competition. I got home, at the exact same time when Zak's friend Will turned up on his moped. I let him in, and he said "I know what your parents are like about their carpet, so I bought an extra pair of socks in case my feet get sweaty!"

I could have died and gone to heaven at that moment XD He even said he'd knock out anyone who started any trouble (...) and so I went to get showered and dressed.

As a few people turned up (including Nilla, who I recognised from Monday), I came down for food. A blonde girl who's name I sadly didn't catch was being sweet and offering drinks, and I when I said I wasn't really "allowed" at the party, she was like "what? Nooo, join in with us!" Which was nice. This was ruined slightly when Zak came and knocked on my door to ask me to stop hovering around as I was "freaking" everyone out -_- So I called Harry for company, and he said he'd give me a ring after his shower.

I was waiting for a call from Harry when the phone rang and it was my dad calling from Barbados. He and mum had spent the day with Richard, and were not back on the ship, which was preparing to the leave the port. It was just so funny that he decided to call at the moment the party got into full swing. He said mum wanted to speak to Zak, so I had to take the phone into the middle of this budding party and tell Zak XD I'm sure I had a wicked smile on my face. Rest assured, Dad knew exactly what was going on, and mum quizzed zak on it, and he was such a barefaced liar, saying "Oh its just a couple of mates, we're playing monopoly....oh I would never want to disappoint you mum...I haven't got loads of people here!" XD I was laughing at the cheek of it, but I knew full well mum knew he was lying too (and I get the feeling that he knew mum knew too). I filled her in on the truth when i took the phone, and then dad said was there anything like perfume I would like as a present from the Caribbean...cool!

Didn't tell them about the stresses. It wouldn't be fair to start moaning about it to them while they were on their holiday, and I'm not even sure I'll bother to tell them when they get back...not get into details anyway...it'll probably really bug them if I start moaning at them...

Anyway, I spent a little time on the phone with Harry, who was in a rather nice mood, and saying I should take my corset off (and everything else XD). He kept me company for a while, but after about an hour, I decided to go and check on the party, as it was getting a bit noisy down there. I came down to a pleasant surprise....neither rooms were trashed- messy, but everything intact- and it seemed there was only about 12 people rather than the heavy 18 we had expected. Also, nearly everyone had taken their shoes off (there are a few muddy prints near the back door, but we'll shampoo those off). Only TJ (who has a prosthetic leg) and some arrogant chavvy/indie guy with curly hair were wearing shoes. Someone had even ran the sink with water to put their glasses and cups in.

Zak was non too pleased to see me socialising with HIS friends, but they were all very friendly. A couple of them said they didn't realise who I was, because it turns out he has been telling many people about the existence of a sister! One younger girl who was very sloshed by very happy put her arm around me (she decided we were best friends because our names were similar, her name was Lorna) and dragged me off to Zak to demand why he wouldn't let me join in earlier, which was rather funny.

The music did get a bit too loud at one point, and Sue and Kelly from next door knocked to ask to have it turned down. I rushed over to apologise, and they were so nice about it. Kelly said she didn't want everyone to stop having fun, it was just because she had work, and Sue said her ears were blocked so she could hardly hear it anyway! To be honest, I was so glad that nothing got smashed or vomited on, so this could have been so much worse. Nothing went wrong. One of the guys contemplated sitting on the little dolly chair, but when I told him it had been made so I could sit in it as a toddler, he changed his mind XD No glasses smashed, nothing.

It was still a bit loud even after that point, because Lorna was a bit too sloshed to understand and kept turning the music back up bless her, but it was starting to fizzle out by this point. A few people had already left because they had work and the like. In the end, about 4 or 5 girls and TJ stayed overnight, and I helped them get blankets and covers and cushions to crash on. Three girls crammed into Zak's bed (I think Zak slept in mum's bed), and the other three slept downstairs.

Like I said, Zak seemed unimpressed by my hanging around with them, but everyone else was very nice to me, and I spent a fair while chatting with his friend Craig, and then with TJ and Nilla. Nilla recognised my corset as steel-boned, and said she had a real urge to lace me up even tighter (I went quite small last night, but I've probably got another inch to go). All in all, it went down a storm, and a pretty good one I reckon, and everyone was pretty considerate (although one very strange girl did spill vodka on the floor when she was pouring it into her eye with a shot glass....oh well, vodka doesn't stain ;P)

I went to bed, and I slept a little uneasily, but when I woke up and came down, I found everyone curled up nicely in the living room watching Jeremy Kyle, and having had washed up and done the bins. How nice of them!

Anyway, gotta go. Gotta start the rest of the clear up and get ready for work. Bai for now!

small pile of bunny innards....bunny has exploded

2008-12-03T22:02:30Z

Ugggh...I'm gonna make this as quick as possible....dammit...

Last week, Zak tries to get me to go along with a party he wants to throw while mum and dad are gone. Despite being in such an unfair position, I decided to be responsible/a dork and tell mum. But she had already guessed this would happen and told me to go along with his plan so I could try and control it a bit...

They left for Miami on Friday. I got woken up at around 5 and couldn't get back to sleep, not even when we returned to bed after seeing them off at 6. I had to get up at 7, and I was an utter zombie all day, because I had a full day shift.

Which was terrible. Work last week had been ok because Claire wasn't in mostly, but I had to spend a whole day with her on Friday, with her just picking on me and making fun of me and making me look like a retard in front of the new girl. I did make a mistake on the till, but having been awake since 5, it was to be expected really, and she kept making fun out of me over it. I was miserable by the time I came home, and even more miserable when I discovered that although Zak had been home most of the day, he hadn't done any housework.

Well the next day, I had to call O2 on my dad's behalf- he called from a hotel in Miami saying that the roamer in his phone was working. Turns out some retard forgot to tell dad (when he asked them if the roamer would work) that his phone doesn't work in America. Great. Dad calls home again from the hotel and I let him know.

About an hour later, Barclays calls saying his debit card is now frozen, because obviously, he was using it in Florida, and they wanted to protect it XD No big deal...except there was no way to contact him and give him the number he needed to call to get the card unfrozen. After much fiasco, I had to get Cunard to email the QM2.

So I gut out the downstairs, cleaning throughout, and then I decide to go do some Christmas shopping, and personally, I think I did quite well. I got perfume for mum, and managed to find a nice gift for my Auntie Carol, not to mention a New Look voucher. I was really tempted to upgrade to a Rampant Rabbit Elite, but I had no idea they were so expensive, so I'm going to wait until after Christmas I think hehe.

Bumped briefly into Beaky and Matt, then I came home. Uneventful Sunday, didn't clean much although I washed some clothes, did my ironing and watched Top Gear (ohhh yeeah! XD). Monday, it was back to work. I cleaned all downstairs again when i got home from work. I cooked chicken for the first time and although I called jackie for a little advice, it went ok, and I was rather pleased with it. Zak had some friends over, and it was annoying he had, yet again, done nothing.

Tuesday was bad day <.< Yesterday morning, Puffin did the most unholy and disgusting of all shits, so long after it had been cleared from the tray, thrown in the garbage, and the tray cleaned out with anti-bacterial spray, the smell just lingered around the place like some foul phantom scent. I was a bit stressed out, what with work, all the cleaning and worrying about this party, but tried to relax...Me and Zak did some shopping, and I managed to get some drink for him for Thursday (its BYOB but he wanted some for himself) but then we came home and Puffin did another shit in the newly cleaned tray and it was even worse. So I had to scrub it all out AGAIN (it wasnt like a little poop you scoop up and throw away, it was so bad I had to clean it all out again). And then I cried a little out of exasperation and exhaustion. Before bed I let her back in as it was freezing, then had nightmares all night about trying to murder her and Harry saying he didn't love me...

Today I had an early shift, so I got up...to find puffin had pissed on the kitchen floor. So I broke down. I mean...COME ON! I'm cleaning this house every single day without any help or co-operation, and I know she doesn't mean it, but it was all too much for me at 7 in the morning after yet another rough night. At one point I was contemplating giving her up to the Cat Protection League...I'm just trying to be patient with her. I know she doesn't mean it, she's a little old lady now, and she must just be incontinent...

Work was miserable at first (Sammy got another job and she's leaving nuuuuuuu ; __ ; )but I perked up, and on my way home I petted a wolfie. No shit. I saw a man with this gorgeous dog that looked like a husky...only he was really tall and his tail wasn't curled...and his eyes were gold. The man let me pet him gently, while tightly gripping the big strong leash. I asked him if it was a husky, and he said "Um...no...he's a hybrid...Malamute/Timber Wolf". How awesome. I pet a wolf-dog :) Anyway, I came home, and decided to clean up again. Bleached the kitchen and the tray (again) sorted out some washing, tidied up, wiped over the table, hoovered up, and even Febreezed the carpet. Then I left for Pompey for my Xmas shopping.

Couldn't find the book I wanted to get Danny (only one copy left of it at the shop, and all the pages were bent!) or anyone else (didn't look too hard to be honest, I was more trying to cheer myself up). I bought myself Ultimate Hellsing from HMV and I was ID'd for it XD Met up with Beaky and had a drink with her, and then made my way home not long after...

And the happiness ended.

Zak demanded to know where his drink was (couldnt get one of the ones he wanted from Asda, so I said I would get some on my way home from work). I said that I had actually forgotten, but had contemplated not getting it at all because I was annoyed he hadn't helped me with the cleaning at all. Can't remember what words we exchanged, I remember offering to get it on the way to work tomorrow, but it didn't placate him, he just started slagging me off and tones got raised...he then said something quite offensive, but oddly enough I can't remember what it was (because it was overshadowed by what he said next) and then he tells me that next time I go to America that he hopes I die on the plane over there. I was so hurt, I just cried out "Fuck you, how dare you say such a spiteful thing!"

I went upstairs crying, and called Harry. I was feeling that he was being unsupportive yesterday, but he so came through for me. I told him what had happened, and he was really sympathetic. He suggested I call both jackie and danny- as he pointed out, although Im being the responsible one with the cleaning etc, thats all I can do, I can't make Zak do anything, I'm not his keeper. Also, this party now apparently has 18 invitees, and I'm cacking myself about it...

I ended up speaking to Jackie first (Danny wasnt home) and she was concerned about the party. However, I felt a bit patronised, she batted down what Zak had said, saying "Oh thats normal, isn't it?" UM...NO! Excuse me, but we're 17 and 21 now, we might bicker a little from time to time, but nothing comes of it, we just don't have many blazing rows anymore, not like when we were children. She told me that him not helping me with the cleaning and him being nasty to me wasn't of any concern and that I should just ignore him and concentrate on trying to sort out this party.

Note to dad: give me the number of someone who will actually HELP me next time you go on holiday.

I then spoke to Danny...he didn't seem too concerned over Zak's behaviour, but he didn't make me feel belittled. Instead, he told me I should stop stressing over ANYTHING- the party, the cleaning, all of it, because I was just wearing myself out and it wasn't worth it. He's so laid back, and over the years he's learned to not let anything stress him out, so he was saying that although he understood why I was stressed, it wasn't as bad as I thought. He promised that if I really needed him to help me tomorrow night, he'd be there, but otherwise, he said "let Zak do what he wants. He'll do it anyway, so why trouble yourself?" (in not so many words). Basically, he just said, I've done all I can, and like Harry said, he said I can't control anything, so I should try to relax- and he even encouraged me to try and join in and have fun too. He also suggested that I make suggestions to Zak, like about when it should end, rather than tell him, and if he ignores him, just say "Well, I did try". Its not taken my anxiety away entirely, and I'm not a very un-stressy person (can you tell) but I really see his point, so I'm just going to do what I can and nothing more. If I see something is about to happen and I can do something about it, I can, but if not, no big deal (eek).

I have decided though- no more favours for Zak. Or Xmas presents. He's getting Dark Floors, and thats IT. I was going to get him a second, but you know, brother or not, I'm not going to go out my way for someone who tells me to die in a plane accident. Or wants my cat to freeze to death.

So....I managed to summon that all up mostly. God help me.

Exploded Bunny
x